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I always feel like it's rude when someone refers to some as "she" or "he" in their presence or when I've done it in the past. But I'm not sure what etiquette says to this in UK culture.
Friend is sat next to her boyfriend and across from me.
Me (talking to my friend's boyfriend): So, what do you think of [ put an interesting topic here ]?
Him replying: I'm not a big fan, but she loves it.
Is it rude to refer to someone as "he" or "she" in their presence?
Based on the answers and comments already posted here, I think it makes sense to understand that it is not always rude to refer to a present person by a personal pronoun, but only if what you say either
gives the impression that they are not present in the room or the conversation, or
presumes to 'speak for them' when they are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves.
Moreover, if you are speaking of them in this sense of 'third person', it seems it would still be rude if you referred to them by name or title rather than a personal pronoun.
Personal experience:
My sister and I are very interested in Indian Classical music but my sister is also deeply interested in psychology. When we met an old 'music friend' who asked my sister why she was not following a career in classical arts, I was stupid enough to enthusiastically state in her presence:
She is far more committed to building a career in psychological counselling. She has taken degrees in advanced theories and practical technique. She wants to be a practicing psychological counsellor.
Later my sister said:
Why you want to say that on my behalf? I will say it myself if I want.
So she was not objecting to the pronoun but to my speaking of her 'in the third person' and saying all that when she can decide to say or not say it herself.
So what's rude is not the pronoun but the presumption.
Answers to this old but very similar question at English.SE kindly linked by @OldPadawan provide good historical context and 'etiquette of usage'.
Also, here's another context, where I think it's not rude.
Imagine Alice, Betty, and Clare in a room, at night:
Clare: How about a movie? Let's watch one now?
Alice: We should sleep now. Or we won't wake up well-rested for tomorrow's class.
Betty (to Clare): She's right, you know.
I don't see why it's necessary to repeat the name Alice here.
Not rude per se, but often more or less rude depending on what you're saying about the person.
"I'm with her." — not rude if true.
"He's my brother." — not rude if true (unless you are butting in to their conversation).
"No, he doesn't drink coffee." — borderline; let him speak for himself, unless he doesn't speak a language the other person understands, and even then, it's better to ask him and interpret instead of speaking for him.
"She's not deaf, ask her." — not rude, and a good response to someone else being rude.
"He is going to the prom with me." — rude if you haven't already agreed to that, otherwise depends.
If there wasn't another reference to them recently (in about the last sentence or two), it's disrespectful to refer to them using a third person pronoun (he / she). This is of course assuming it's clear who you're referring to, which it may not be.
If you're in the middle of speaking about them and someone (whether you or someone else) has already referred to them by name, it's fine (and generally expected) to refer to them using a third person pronoun.
Although this might be a sign that you're being rude by speaking about them too much and just generally saying things you shouldn't be saying (e.g. putting words in their mouth or treating them as if they're not there).
For example, this is disrespectful:
"Everyone likes chocolate."
"I don't think she would agree with you." [presumably while pointing to someone]
These are fine:
"Alice would probably say she doesn't like chocolate."
"Alice doesn't like chocolate."
"No, I don't think she does."
If you're responding to something they just said, it could go either way, but the "safe" bet would be to just use their name.
Alice: "I don't think anyone really likes chocolate."
You: "She makes a good point."
OR You: "Alice makes a good point."
If you know the person you're referring to well, a third person pronoun can be used in a playful manner where it otherwise would've been considered disrespectful.
Is it rude to refer to a woman as "she" in her presence?
Yes, but it kinda depends on what you're saying. If you are referring to someone who is present in the third present, regardless of the gender, is rude or at least is something you must avoid.
If you use pronouns such as he and she during the conversation which that person is present in, it makes them feel that the conversation is about them, not with them. It really makes an uncomfortable situation for him/her.
When you are having conversation in a group, you should call them with their name or use you if you need to instead of using he/she.
Sometimes, it also depends on what being said. For example, if you introduce your friend like:
This is John. He lives in Manchester.
It is not rude. However, if you say,
He will now do this.
This might be rude, because you're not asking that person directly.
In case of given example in the question, there is a little chance or it is very unlikely that she will consider it rude.
I've been in countless situations exactly as you describe, when sitting with my other half. Someone will ask about a particular musician or band for example, and I may say "Not really my taste but she (pointing to my other half) loves them!" This carries with it an implied passing-on of the conversational thread to her, at which point she can pick up and run with the topic if she wishes since it's of specific interest to her. I don't see anything rude in that at all and can't imagine anyone thinking otherwise.
I can certainly think of rude ways to use a pronoun to refer to someone, but I do not believe at all that it is inherently rude. As with so many things, context is key.
Binary pronoun options can also be used, such as they, them, without offending, if the context is appropriate. For example, to avoid gendernormative pronoun labeling when you, they and we are in the same room discussing a business report authored by all three of you:
Sally (yourself): I'm glad this report is ready to distribute to the CEO and task force.
They (your first coauthor): Yes, we all worked very hard, and Ed edited it twice!
Ed: it's top notch, and they did quite well with much of the preliminary research so we could get it accomplished so efficiently and accurately. Without them, we would still be outlining our main goals.
Sally: the meeting starts in five minutes. Ready?
