My boyfriend is a 33-old, separated from his wife but not divorced yet and dad of 2 little girls. I am 25yo. Despite this particular family situation, our relationship has quickly become serious and we have been together for one year now. The problem is that my mother doesn't accept this relationship.
- Personal background
My parents divorced when I was 16 in difficult circumstances and my mother never rebuilt her life, she globally thinks that all men are trash. I have always felt that having a boyfriend is a taboo subject with her.
- I talked about my partner for the first time to my mom after 6 months of relationship...
... not too late, not too soon regarding our unusual relationship, I thought. I wanted to spend quiet time with him during Christmas holidays in my mother's house while it was empty (we live in Paris, my mother in the countryside) and wanted to ask my mom first before inviting him. Maybe it wasn't a smart approach to directly say something like "Hey, I have a boyfriend, can he come home?", but I really needed my mother permission as both my boyfriend and I didn't want to hide my plan to her.
At this point, I learned she already knew that I was dating a "still married" man (don't know how, don't know when). I would have prefered to tell her myself, my way, to avoid misunderstandings. The result was terrible.
She was extremely angry, disappointed. I really felt like trash, but I insisted and after a really hard time I succeded in convincing her, my boyfriend could come. But after his departure and the return of my mom, she yelled at me, accused my friend to invite himself into the house, told me that she despised him, claiming that he left his wife for a babe. She also said he would not be back anytime soon.
- I tried to explain that I had nothing to do with his divorce...
... that the age difference was the same as my uncle (her brother) and his wife.
Since then, I try to give some evidence that our relationship is serious. I tell her regularly what we do together, I told my mom I met his family and that it went well... She just answers by some "hum hum", or simply ignores what I am saying, leave a big blank in the conversation, and I feel the urge to change the subject.
- I think she makes parallels between her story and my boyfriend's one...
... as if she thought he was my father, even if she doesn't know anything of my loved one. However I am not sure I could use this argument to calm her, I think it would get worse... She has an explosive temper and can sometimes respond unreasonably. I have big issue communicating with her, I don't dare asking about things that I know won't please her, which leads to situations like the Christmas holidays... it's part of the problem, but it's another subject.
In parallel, my young sister (21yo) has been dating a guy (21yo too) for 4 months and my mother was excited about meeting him, has already invited him for holidays... which doesn't look like my mother's usual behaviour. Maybe she wants to make me pay for dating this guy?
She also continues sending messages to my ex, who became a great friend of mine, but it's just weird. She goes as far as making him gifts, inviting him home regularly... even my ex finds it creepy, nice of her but creepy.
All of this is really hard to take. I constantly feel a burden in my chest.
Short term goal
My boyfriend and I are invited next week-end at a friend's party near my mom's house, I would like take this opportunity to see my family but he would be there. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm afraid of asking my mother to bring my boyfriend home.
How do I help my mother accept this relationship and gain confidence when I talk to her about him? I would like her to be okay with the situation, to be willing to meet him...
TL;DR: I (25f) am dating a guy (33m) who is soon to be divorced and father of 2 children. My mother doesn't want to hear about him because of his marital situation. How can I help her to accept this relationship?
!! UPDATE !!
I called my mother yesterday to explain my plans for next weekend. We had a long and painful talk about how she is ashamed of me, she blamed me for breaking his marriage. Finally I think this is the real problem. It's not that much a problem with my partner. The real problem is she thinks something that is NOT TRUE.
I don't know how she put this in her mind, or who told her so. She didn't want to hear the truth, she said I was lying, that she was crying every day. It makes me mad to know that it is based on unfounded facts.
My parents divorced because my father cheated on her. It seems to my mom that I haven't learned the lesson, that I am reproducing the same mistakes.
I tried (again) to explain that my boyfriend didn't leave his wife for me. She hung up three times, I insisted. She didn't want to continue the conversation by phone. But I know that when I see her, she won't talk about it. I will have to take actions by myself. But how can I make her see reason? Should I just maintain the right version and abandon the fight if she remains stubborn?