How can I convince my sister's husband to switch to boxer shorts?

Question

At a recent family gathering, my younger sister asked me for help. She and her husband have been trying to conceive a child but have been unsuccessful. After going to a fertility doctor, they got the recommendation for her husband to switch from briefs to boxer shorts.

She said it took some effort to convince her husband to follow the doctor's recommendation. After getting the doctor's recommendation, her husband started wearing boxer shorts all the time. However, after two or three days he suddenly told her that he thinks the doctor was a "quack". This was only after two or three days of wearing boxer shorts. He even told her he liked the "cool breeze" and helped pick out this doctor. She got mad saying he knows him and that is not him talking. She thinks he's hiding his true reason(s). Therefore, he said he will wear the boxer shorts for her but only under certain conditions.

Her husband is sort of wearing boxer shorts but only in 2 situations. The first situation is the hours between coming home from work and before leaving home to go back to work. The second situation is he will only wear boxer shorts outside the home if he is wearing jeans.

She doesn't know what to do. The doctor recommended him to wear boxer shorts completely not in just these odd situations. She has asked me to help to talk to her husband to convince him to switch to boxer shorts all time. Since she is my little sister and I'm the big brother, I agreed to help.

Now, I need help on how to plan out the conversation with her husband. I'm not a total stranger to him but I'm also not close friends with him. We're more like acquaintances. He's 24 and I'm 25 so we both come from the same generation and have topics in common to talk about.

Some of the issues I'm having trouble with the upcoming conversation are the following:

1. How should I approach the subject without embarrassing him or making him go on the defensive? I can't just say "My sister told me you can't have a baby until you switch to boxer shorts. Please switch to boxer shorts." His low sperm count might be embarrassing. Also, it sounds like he partially switched to boxer shorts.

2. How do I convince him to completely switch to boxer shorts? I can't figure out why he doesn't want to switch to boxer shorts all the time. I guess I'm at a disadvantage here. My parents started me off with boxer shorts as underwear and I have never worn any other type of underwear. I don't see any issues switching from briefs to boxer shorts. Maybe, because I didn't switch from briefs to boxer shorts that I have not experienced what he's going through. It's really hard for me to put myself in his shoes.

If I can figure out why he doesn't want to wear boxer shorts all the time then I can plan out my bullet points carefully.

I want to make an honest effort to help my sister. I want to have niece or nephew. Even though I might not be successful at convincing him I want to be able to at least tell her "I tried."

UPDATE:

Your advice worked.

I tried my best to be delicate and he actually brought up the topic. Since he was being honest I tried to bond with him by sharing that I wore boxer shorts all my life. The problems he was experiencing wasn't something he could ask a woman about. He couldn't ask his dad because he was already an adult and his dad wore briefs like him. He opened up more to me than my sister/his wife because I was a guy and he was having guy problems with boxer shorts.

I gave him some information on how to handle situations such as uncontrolled erections, remaining drops from peeing you can't get out from shaking, sudden random sensation of your penis on your thigh, flopping around during a game of basketball, etc. I guess switching to boxer shorts from briefs requires getting used to.

Thank you everyone.

Answer 1

This is a VERY delicate situation. Under normal circumstances, what kind of underwear a person wears is absolutely none of anyone's business. You wouldn't take a coworker aside and tell them their underwear was too sexy for the office, for example. I am sure that before this you had absolutely no idea what kind of underwear your brother in law wore, and that you preferred it that way, too. And then your reason for wanting to discuss it -- so you can overcome your fertility problems -- is even more private and personal than the underwear.

While it is true that underwear choice has some bearing on male fertility, it's one of those things doctors recommend as a "can't hurt" kind of thing. It might not help, but what the heck, and this way you feel like you're doing something. Most men have no problem at all doing that, but your brother in law clearly does. And your sister appears to think their only salvation is his underwear choice so it's a big deal to her. He's not taking the doctor's advice! Maybe he's not as committed to this whole thing as he claims to be!

I've faced this sort of thing in the past, where you want to tell someone to do something (or stop doing something) but you can't. Maybe because you're not supposed to know, maybe because the topic is too sensitive and embarrassing to discuss directly, various reasons. What I do is move up a level of abstraction. If it's ok to discuss the fertility situation, for example, you could chit chat about how that's going. Sympathetically, like

I guess this parenthood trip is going to be a bit more difficult for you and [sister], huh?

Offer some understanding thoughts about having to go to doctor appointments, worrying how long it will all take, and so on. Then ask if there are any things that will increase their chances short of actual medical interventions like IVF. He may mention (perhaps in a negative way) the underwear. He probably won't tell you if they've been asked to have sex more often, or less often, or in atypical positions -- this is your sister, after all. Whatever he mentions, underwear or not, say something super supportive:

I hope you don't have to do that for too long. I'm sure it's hard. Still, it will be worth it when you're parents, right? I know you'll be amazing ones and I really want a niece or nephew. If you want to come over and [play video games, watch the ball game, play poker] to distract yourself just let me know. I want this to work out for you.

Even though you may have said this about some dietary restriction or other non-underwear recommendation, you will be speaking to the underwear thing as well in the supportive comments you give your brother in law.

[If you can't even discuss the fertility situation directly, which would be true in many families, then you can discuss "this crazy 2020 we're all having" and how so many of us have to do things -- even wear things! -- we never thought we'd have to. Don't be too clever here, this isn't a nudge-nudge-wink-wink conversation where you're letting him know you're in on the secrets. Just talk about the pandemic. He can have his own insights into how wearing boxers so you can have a baby is kind of like wearing a mask so you don't spread covid.]

Also, really listen to him, again even if he doesn't mention the underwear. Next time your sister vents to you that he is "only" wearing boxers over 2/3 of the time you can remind her that he is giving up caffeine or not working overtime or whatever recommendations it is that he is actually following. This may help her unspoken worries that he's just not putting enough effort into this.

One more thing: only do this once. It's not your role to carry messages between spouses who are struggling with infertility. It's high-stakes territory and you're not a trained counselor. Help once, then stay out of it.

Answer 2

How can I convince my sister's husband to switch to boxer shorts?

You can't. This is way too personal for you to be involved in. Between this being about underwear, and about it being a treatment for a potential medical problem, which is in turn about his family life...you can't get involved.

This is not your problem to fix, do not even try. It's between him, his wife, and his doctor.

Honest, it was a huge violation of your BIL's privacy for your sister to bring this to you.