There is a middle-aged Scandinavian educated chap (similar age) neighbour who befriended me (I am male too), even though I never wanted be anything more than neighbour or associate at best, but he is very overbearing. He is married with a daughter, and I note that he always talks over them, although I don't think he is a bully.

  • I don't like his far-right politics, homophobia (I am straight by the way), misogynistic and racist ways and his assumption that I feel the same in a conspiratorial fashion.

  • He is extremely self-opinionated and sometimes says and does the most bizarre things like for example... in the middle of an unrelated topic he will ask me if I own or rent my apartment... like it matters.

  • He is quite wealthy I think and has a lot of time on his hands. He thanked me for being a signatory on a Will once and came round to my apartment later on with a bottle of wine to show his gratitude. He then said that he was thinking of setting me up (I am single) with the attractive female lawyer who had been at the signing as he could see how well we got on, but changed his mind as I was too old! What a bizarre thing to say... and hurtful.

He then asked me to join him and his family for dinner in a restaurant one night, back in January, and during the evening was talking about a family member's military career. All he did is talk, talk, talk... never asking questions, all about him... and I happened to mention that my late father had been seconded to the special forces in the army, and he amazingly poured scorn on this, doubting what I was saying, which was incredibly insensitive. I went to the bathroom at the end of the evening, and he went through my wallet, pulling out my driving licence and when I came back began to ridicule me about my age, as I was older than him, and could not see why I was offended at this, or the fact that he had been through my wallet.

I decided that day to drop him from my social orbit. I saw him a few times in the street and nodded or said a quick hello and then moved on saying I was late or busy.

My Mum tragically died in February and I was away for a couple of months sorting out her estate and the funeral. Out of the blue in April, he texted me asking where I had been. I told him about Mum in a text and he was sorry to hear etc, but then asked about meeting up, which I said was not convenient.

Every month since, he has tried different ways of what he says in texts to meet up and each time I give him lame excuses which he doesn't seem to get as a hint. Today, I received another of his texts asking to meet up at the local pub and I have just deleted and ignored it.

I am a nice guy and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but this guy is a loud boor and we have nothing in common, but I am bound to see him around.

How do I make him understand that he is driving me up the wall? I imagine he would be shocked if I blatantly told him the truth and that he wouldn't get why he had upset me.

  • 1
    Hi there, and welcome to IPS. I've edited your post, hopefully to make it more readable. As far as I can tell, you haven't decided yet what would be the best way to act? Here, we can't tell you, just help communicate once you know what you've decided. Can you clarify this point please?
    – OldPadawan
    Sep 14, 2020 at 14:43
  • Thank you for the edit. I haven't decided how to act yet no. I would appreciate any advice as to what others would do in my situation. Sep 14, 2020 at 20:24

1 Answer 1


Lame excuses just lead to more asking. If you don't want to see him, just reply "No thankyou" or "Sorry, but no" or other fairly terse things when he invites you to get together. Someone who is willing to go through someone else's wallet and then berate them over what was found there is not someone who will get the hint after 4 or 5 lame excuses.

You don't need to explain why you don't like him, or what you feel he needs to change about himself. You don't even need to say that you don't want to be invited again. Just decline each invitation simply and truthfully, without implying that you wish you could but unfortunately cannot. "No thankyou" works well for that.

As for seeing him around, you can wave, nod, or even say "good morning" but if he tries to engage you in conversation a simple "I can't talk now, sorry" or "it's not a good time, must go" will work fine. While these do sound like excuses, which I told you not to do, in person we do sometimes retreat to excuses in order to be polite.

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    This is great advice and justification behind it too. Thank you Kate. I think subliminally that I have known this is what I should be doing, but I am sometimes 'too nice', so this is a new step for me, and I have in fact just sent those very words 'No thank you', on text to the individual concerned without another word. Should I block him by the way? I will keep you posted. Great site by the way, I feel better already. Cheers, Paul Sep 14, 2020 at 20:30
  • You do not need to block, just delete without reading . People do eventually get the hint. Sep 14, 2020 at 21:02
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    I would only block the messages if reading them upsets you. If you're able to read and either reply immediately with a "no" or delete and ignore, then there's no need to block. Sep 14, 2020 at 21:13
  • Thanks again Kate, and Yosef. Sep 17, 2020 at 18:40

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