My boyfriend moved into my house with me about a year ago, and for about 9 months we were sleeping in the same bed (the master bedroom). There is a similarly-sized guest bedroom that also has a double bed in it, however, and he started sleeping in that every now and then because I had a personal fan I used to run on my bedside table that he said was too noisy and stopped him getting to sleep.

So I stopped turning the fan on and now the room is pretty quiet, but almost every night now he starts in bed with me, and then after maybe 30 minutes gets up and goes to sleep in the other bed. He says that room is better for him because it's a bit darker and the bed is warmer (thicker duvet), but I prefer the conditions of the master bedroom and it's a perfectly good bed. The guest bedroom would make it harder for me to sleep because I would find it too hot. He's also saying he needs "white noise" which would probably disturb my sleep. I'm sure he can sleep in the master bedroom because he has done so for about 9 months until he started changing beds.

I've told him this is making me unhappy and that I want us to sleep in the same bed, and the response is basically "well, make the master bedroom more like this one because I can't sleep properly in that bed", but I don't like sleeping in the conditions of the other bedroom. It seems reasonable to me that a partner should be willing to sleep with their girlfriend even in a bed they think isn't quite as nice if they're living with them and in a relationship.

In all other ways we still seem to be getting on well as a couple - spending time together, having sex, not having any major arguments... it's just this issue.

How can I encourage him to sleep in my bed again?

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    I’m voting to close this question because, as specifid here we aren't here to provid arguments for you to use. – Ael Sep 23 '20 at 9:18
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    Hi and welcome to IPS! To clarify, you don't want to change bedroom but you are expecting your SO to do so instead. Is that correct? – Ael Sep 23 '20 at 9:19
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    Is moving together to some other place (or a dofferent room) an option? – guest Sep 23 '20 at 9:23
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    Have you tried any compromises in the master bedroom? Darkening that room? Piling an extra blanket on his side? – DaveG Sep 23 '20 at 18:55
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    Is your only argument is that "it's reasonnable" he complies? Are you more comfortable when he's here and why? – Arthur Hv Sep 23 '20 at 21:00

"I'm sure he can sleep in the master bedroom because he has done so for about 9 months"

Just because he has tolerated something in the past doesn't mean he should continue to do so in the present as well. He has realized how to make himself comfortable and he is acting on it.

"I want us to sleep in the same bed"

It's your 'want'. So, you can go and sleep with him in that guest room.

"a partner should be willing to sleep with their girlfriend even in a bed they think isn't quite as nice"

By that logic, shouldn't a partner be willing to sleep with their boyfriend even in a bed they think isn't quite nice?

Do you realize you want your partner to tolerate a few uncomfortable things but you yourself are not willing to tolerate the similar things?

In healthy relationships, we shouldn't make our partner do things that they are not very comfortable with. At the same time, we too shouldn't be doing something that we are not very comfortable with.

Now, you could either continue to sleep in different rooms and give up the notion that couples should sleep together. Or, if this notion is too important for you to give up, then you would have to walk the extra mile and go and sleep in that guest room because it's your 'want'.

Or, as others have suggested, you could either try to make one of the rooms equally comfortable for both of you or you could keep alternating between the two rooms. (Making a partner tolerate a few uncomfortable things for something that you want is not very healthy, especially if you are not willing to compromise on the similar things.)

Edit: In my last relationship, my partner's bed was quite small. When I were at his place, we would have good time together but then I would return to my place and sleep. My partner had expressed that he would like me to stay over at his place and I explained that his bed was good enough for just one person to sleep in. His need to be with me was stronger than mine. So, often he would come to my place and we would sleep together in my bed. I used to love that. He recognized his need and made himself act accordingly, without demanding too much from me. Now that, we are not together (because of unrelated circumstances), we still stay connected. We have good bonding. We share things and seek each other's opinion. This healthy relationship is possible because, I guess, we made room for each other's comfort and discomfort. We tried best not to project our needs onto the other's actions.

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    Hi Ramit! Welcome to IPS. While this may be very helpful for OP, we expect answers on IPS to be backed up with either literature citations or personal experience. Could you provide those or explain how you or someone you know were in a similar situation before, and why OP shouldn't try to convince their partner to sleep in the same bed? I'm here if you have any question. Have a great time among us! – avazula Sep 24 '20 at 8:13
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    @avazula, Thanks. I have made an edit. Can that work? – aarbee Sep 24 '20 at 11:09
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    @aarbee yes! Thank you :) – avazula Sep 29 '20 at 6:10

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