My girlfriend says I never accept mistakes, don't say sorry, always try to reason why I did something, get defensive, say same thing again and again to support myself during the argument after I mess up something.
As far as I can tell, when we are having a discussion/argument about something, I start by saying the reason as to why I messed something up and then sometimes explicitly say sorry depending on the situation.
I don't necessarily agree with her point of view - I tried to tell her in response that me telling the reason why I messed up doesn't mean that I'm defensive and not accepting my mistake, it means that I'm accepting the mistake and also saying why it happened because it is natural for me to say so as far as I'm concerned. I never had heated arguments with other people, so I don't know for sure.
Even after us having multiple discussions about this matter multiple times over a couple of months, we never got to a solution. Whenever we have this discussion - it usually ends with me telling her that I won't say reasons next time, I'll acknowledge my mistake and stay silent. to which she says "No, you should find a balance".
The problem is that I never understood what "balance" means. I don't know what to do. I'd like some pointers on understanding:
- How to find balance between staying silent when I mess up vs. sounding defensive?
- How do I detect that I'm getting defensive and correct myself?
I can add more details if necessary.