I am a 19-year-old autistic male that currently works as a Software Engineering apprentice. I live in a small village in the middle of Bavaria.
Even though I got officially diagnosed - secretly - as I turned 18 years old, I don't want my parents to know - therefore I didn't tell them. However, I don't want to focus on this too much, since I think the issue I describe here would be a problem for me even if I was neurotypical.
My mom and I have a really bad relationship. The general situation is pretty muddled... We get along "okay-ish" most of the time, but sometimes really small things lead to massive fights between us. There is a lot of built-up hatred between us that built up over the years. I don't want to get into the specifics of what happened too much - But let's just say we both did some pretty shitty things.
There is no tolerance, no easing, no healthy culture in general between us anymore. I understand that she is my mother but in those fight situations, she uses that card to justify right about everything. I can't make even just the most general suggestion without her taking it personally, getting defensive, and leaving a passive-aggressive comment.
That comment usually includes something along the lines of "You live in my house" - most of the time she says that in a really self-righteous way. This kind of authoritarian thinking is what leads to me getting really rallied-up in response, and then one thing leads to another.
Other classics include:
- "I am your mom"
- "You can't decide that"
- Some random thing I did wrong ages ago
- Something other that is totally not related
- If I make a suggestion: "But you don't even do X all of the time yourself!"
Don't get me wrong. I understand that she has some authority over me, she is my mom after all and I do live in her house. But I am 19 years old have my own job and have some determination over my own life. She just draws the line way too close to her in my opinion.
To give you an example of how this usually goes, I present to you the latest situation: I wanted to buy a new desk - which is quite a lot bigger than my current one. So I started to discuss with her where to put it in my room. I wanted to move some furniture and place the new desk in between my door and windows. She for some reason did not like that idea and basically just said "no" without any justification. If she raised some valid concern I would have understood, but she didn't raise any. So I asked her why we would not be able to do it that way, to which she just responded "This is my house and I decide" - Even though it's about my room. I hope you get the issue I have.
I realize that the easy solution to this would be to move out - and I would love to. But I cannot afford the rent for even the smallest flats in my area, since I only make "apprentice"-level money and want to get further education thereafter. I also understand that as long as I live in her house I gotta follow her "rules" to some degree, but most of the things I do/ask for are not that much. I already isolated myself as much as I could from my mom.
This whole mess stems from our bad past experiences and fights most likely. None of us is willing to give up any ground in this battle over nothing. My issue is that I feel like I can't do the first step because my tolerance for dealing with her is pretty low overall, and the way she acts in these fights I have a feeling that if I give in she would just walk-off and do nothing at all while preaching to me that I admitted I was - at least partially - wrong in all future conflicts. If she would not be so authoritarian and self-righteous I would have a way easier time going the distance.
I have tried lots of things over the years. From just shrugging it off to debating about it for hours most of the time the big fights settle within a few days and we somewhat get along again, but this just keeps happening so regularly. It's the same situation every two weeks and I don't know how to stop it. We can't even talk normally anymore.
So basically my question is: What can I do in these situations when she is not willing to have any compromise and uses her total authority over me, to try and reach a compromise?