My aunt (my mother's only sister) died a few days ago. I was like "uh". Not that I don't care. I loved her. My problem is that I can't feel. I was sad but felt no sadness, like I was logically sad in my brain. One of my friends once told me "damn you think your feeling!". This not intentionally just my nature.
Her funeral was my very first funeral that I ever participated in. Everyone was crying hard because everyone loved her. I was there standing in silence with no feeling in my face. It seemed really awkward. And because of Covid-19, I was worried about my mom. She was sitting next to the grave near people and crying. I wanted to lift her up and take her away or at least spray disinfectant on her hands.
My aunt loved me so much and I could see other people heavily staring, wondering why I was not sad at all. I also was not able to comfort my mom. All I had in my brain was "we all gonna die someday" but I think it is not proper to say such things.
My family knows that I can't feel. After all these years they know me well and are not offended anymore. I can't give a long speech at the funeral that I am sad but I don't know how to express it. Also, I can not explain to all relatives one by one since there is a HUGE number of them.
I'm from Asia. my family and relatives are so traditional, so they expect everyone to act like everyone else does at funerals.
So how could I behave at a funeral, and be less awkward?