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My aunt (my mother's only sister) died a few days ago. I was like "uh". Not that I don't care. I loved her. My problem is that I can't feel. I was sad but felt no sadness, like I was logically sad in my brain. One of my friends once told me "damn you think your feeling!". This not intentionally just my nature.

Her funeral was my very first funeral that I ever participated in. Everyone was crying hard because everyone loved her. I was there standing in silence with no feeling in my face. It seemed really awkward. And because of Covid-19, I was worried about my mom. She was sitting next to the grave near people and crying. I wanted to lift her up and take her away or at least spray disinfectant on her hands.

My aunt loved me so much and I could see other people heavily staring, wondering why I was not sad at all. I also was not able to comfort my mom. All I had in my brain was "we all gonna die someday" but I think it is not proper to say such things.

My family knows that I can't feel. After all these years they know me well and are not offended anymore. I can't give a long speech at the funeral that I am sad but I don't know how to express it. Also, I can not explain to all relatives one by one since there is a HUGE number of them.

I'm from Asia. my family and relatives are so traditional, so they expect everyone to act like everyone else does at funerals.

So how could I behave at a funeral, and be less awkward?

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  • Hi BlackCrystal! I've given your post an edit, but since funerary practices are often different across cultures, could you add some information about that to the question? Either by editing in some information, or, in case your culture is tied pretty much to your geographical location, by adding a country/location tag to your question?
    – Tinkeringbell
    Dec 23 '20 at 10:50
  • 1
    @Tinkeringbell I edited my question Dec 23 '20 at 12:28
  • I'm sorry for your loss. Also, everybody expresses grief differently. I've never cried at a funeral either, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the person. This might be cultural, though.
    – Llewellyn
    Dec 23 '20 at 20:57
  • @BlackCrystal Since Asia also has a lot of different cultures, could you be more specific?
    – A J
    Dec 24 '20 at 13:47
  • Do you see your issues with feelings as on the spectrum? Could you find a standard formula to say to get you through such events, like "What can I say? I'm so sorry." Dec 25 '20 at 4:59
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I'm at that age where people are starting to move on.

The amount of grief felt does change depending on where that person exists on your timeline. Meaning, our ancestors are expected to pass before us and the older they are the more expected it is. So, it's perfectly natural that your mother and her generation are greiving more intensly than you.

In the Angloshpere, your demeanor would be descibed as 'stoic'. In fact, husbands and sons are often expected to 'keep it together' so your mother can grieve. Your behavior would not be considered unusual in the US and I suspect if you reflected on the entire crowd, you'd find this cross-cultural.*

So how could I behave at a funeral, and be less awkward?

Be the one grounded enough to facilitate the ceremonies/activities for everyone else. If you're busy working the proceedings, you won't have time to feel awkward and fewer people will expect you to openly emote.

*As is the case with Latin American cultures.

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I understand your feelings. I might say that I've been in the same club once.

One of the main things you could have done is getting to the hospitality. in that way you will not be noticed much and maybe would have had a better chance at hiding how you feel.

The problem you have doesn't look better at all the situations somehow.

Some solutions that would make up in mind when sad and want to show them, is that first making up the mind and recall how the person was before the loss.

Think of things that make you miss them and get in your mind that they will not come back and it will not be the same without them. In that way, you psychologically get into the mood. Other way, talking and listening to the ones that are sad. They may have many things to tell you. Listening to them also makes you get in to what they want you to do.

Nevertheless, be shy to tell what you have in mind, that which is in support of the person that is missed. It doesn't matter how you say, but what you say can maybe give the listener some ease.

Thats some in my opinion. And Have great times. Hope you do well.

Don't hesitate to ask more when in doubt though.

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