Talking to a friend that isn't very reasonable about people having different opinions

Question

Me, personally speak my mind. For example, if someone asks for my opinion about a shoe and if I think it is ugly I just say it. I'm not rude or don't want to be mean. It is ugly in my opinion but it may be a good shoe naturally. But people don't take this well most of time and I don't know why.

I have a female best friend. We've been good friends for a very long time. Sometimes, arguments happen, and it's natural. What is important is to talk and figure it out. She is always criticizing me like "why are you playing dark souls when there are fun games like ori and something (I don't remember the name)". these critics don't bother me. I do what makes me happy not doing something that satisfy people. I eat pizza with fork and spoon and that's how I enjoy it the most.

The problem is that this time we had an argument that made me really angry. I can't figure it out nor solve it. When you are angry, you may say harsh things and I know her. When you know someone you may say things that you can't give it back.

My best friend is kpop fan. I was talking to another friend about music. I said "kpop is crap". We were just comparing genres about how they lyrics are deep and is not about ordinary things. She got angry and yelled "EXCUSE ME? KPOP IS LIFE AND ...". when she finished I said:

I meant no harm to anyone and you know that, and if I think kpop is crap it doesn't make the whole career a crap thing, kpop will go on without my opinion.

Then she said if I say things like that about kpop she will cancel the friendship and won't talk to me again. That made me really angry. Until this time I couldn't find words to solve this situation.

I always were there for her, helping with life and education, always support her and she wants to cancel friendship due to Korean boys that they even don't know she exists.

I want to keep our friendship and handle this. I didn't do anything wrong to apologize. I think she is the one to apologize but she never does that so I don't expect this to be solved by apologizing solution.

How can I communicate with her that, despite people having different opinions, the value of our friendship is more than things like this?

Answer 1

First of all, like in almost every aspect of life, I think it's helpful to identify the root causes of a problem before you can even think of a viable solution. In your case, we have :

• Alice loves X
• Bob says "X is crap"
• Alice is upset.
• Both Alice and Bob stand their ground, thinking and saying that the other one is wrong.

In your case, I think that Alice has suffered what I call a PTR (Personal Transitive Relation - see homogeneous relation in mathematics). When you say that "X is crap", she thinks that, because she loves X, then her taste (and, therefore, she) is crap. I've witnessed this happen so many times I can't even tell you! With the same results: people getting upset, arguments, and all related inconveniences.

No matter how hard you try and explain that you didn't mean that, it's too late. After some time, if you keep behaving like that (because it's your personality, and although your point is not to be mean), then, slowly, people start moving away from you. You're too straight to the point, too harsh, and they feel like you're too negative, and always willing to launch personal attacks (because of the PTR, they see your opinions as personal attacks).

I often have to debate about various topics, or express opinions. "opinions", I said?! Well that's just that! Opinions. So, they have to be presented as personal opinions. Not as "My opinion is the only one that counts" (and that's the way people can understand what you said). Actually, I would feel like your friend. Because your "presentation" lacks sugar. Like it or not, but very often, most people will prefer a sugar-coated argument over a raw one. Some don't, but you have to carefully identify them before you go straight to the point when debating.

Back to your question and main goal: to express different opinions and avoid unintentionally hurting people, change the way you present them. And people will start noticing. Instead of "X is crap" (direct punch to their face), why wouldn't you talk about what you feel? (the "I statement" is still a powerful weapon). For instance, I really hate hearing auto-tune. So, if I have to talk about music, I'll tell my interlocutor about my feelings and opinion, carefully avoiding any personal attack. "Anytime I hear this, it make my ears bleed... I'd rather listen to X/Y/Z, because I prefer A/B/C." If the person asks for clarification, I'll tell them: No, it's not the singer or the song, it's the technical widget.

In your case, you can always express what you don't like about KPOP (too A / too B / too C for me). You can listen to your friend's opinion too, even if you don't share it. Friends are also friends to listen to each other, and accept their differences. Listen, and don't be too harsh when criticizing :)

Can you explain this to her? Sure. Take the blame for being too direct and harsh in her opinion. It's never bad to acknowledge you did something that, even not intentionally, hurt someone else. It shows you care, and help improve communication. And then, talk about the friendship, and how much you value it.