I've been having a lot of arguments with my partner lately. The details do not matter, but the gist is that she doesn't feel special. She states that she feels this way because of something that I did/didn't do according to her expectations.
Her feelings are valid, the fact that she feels this way is a problem that needs to be worked on. However, something that I did or didn't do, is not always valid in my experience. When she makes a statement like this, I always try to acknowledge her feeling, but then argue that her motivation for this feeling might be unfounded, because I feel like that is an unfair statement to me.
To give a more concrete example of a situation like this: We've got a few months old babies. The first months were intense due to some health issues with him. She mentioned that I never told her that she was being a good mother, and asked me if I thought she was being a bad mother. She doesn't feel appreciated/respected. She mentioned that she was annoyed with her having to tell me that she needs to hear this*. I know that I've said things among that line, things like "You've been doing so well with his feeding", "You're really good with putting him to sleep", etc. But it is entirely possible that I've never explicitly stated that she was being a good mother. So when she told me she doesn't feel appreciated because I never told her that, I argued that I did tell her things like this. I usually say this like so:
Okay, I understand you feel this way, and it is of course a problem that needs addressing that you do feel like this. But I do tell you that you're doing well with him, I've told you [example] and [other example] multiple times in the past.
Which then leads to her saying that I invalidate her feelings and don't take her seriously. This escalates the discussion, and it becomes more heated, leading to unproductive arguments.
I understand that her feeling like this is inherently the biggest problem that needs to be solved. But is there a way that I can approach this situation where I argue her motivation for her feelings, in a way that will actually help with the arguments that we're having?
* This is a recurring theme regarding her needing to tell me what she wants/needs from me. This makes it hard for her when I then do these things since she explicitly told me, and she is agitated I didn't come up with it myself. This might be a new question itself.