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Events: I matched with a woman on Facebook dating, had a short chat with long delay between messages, but all seemed very enthusiastic. In the end she agreed to have a beer with me, I suggested a day 5 days from that and she excitedly agreed, saying we'll talk about the details. Day before the beer I messaged her about the place and time. That was last of our communication.

Extra thoughts that made me ask this:

  • Facebook dating messages have weird notifications that come with other facebook notifications, can be missed. Also I constantly have red "1" on the Dating icon, even though when I get inside I don't see anything new most of the time.
  • I didn't write anything for 4 days, which maybe made her think I ghosted her and gave up on checking messages
  • It took her few hours or half a day to answer first messages, but answers were always full sentences and seemed like she's interested

My actual question: How can I proceed with this conversation, idealy rescheduling the date, or at least getting some conclusion other than ghosting?

I'm considering some options but they have some pros and cons and I don't know how to wage them, so ideal answer would either find a solution with lowest amount of cons, or explain why my cons aren't that serious.

  1. Message her asking what happened, why didn't she answer

Pros: direct; Cons: very confrontational, seems rude, if it was a mistake it will be rude, if it was a way to get out of the date it doesn't seem to leave her a way to do it again safely without just ghosting me again

  1. Just send a neutral message, ask how she is or something like that

Pros: it gives her another chance to see messages if she missed it first time; Cons: seems very weird

  1. Give up on it

Pros: if she really ghosted me it ends the problem; Cons: If it was a mistake she might not see my message at all. If she notices later she might not just message me again if I don't start conversation again.

Culture is from the balkans, involved people are around 30

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  • Hi there, welcome to IPS. I've added 2 tags, hopefully helpful. Please tell us is it's ok, you can also rollback ;)
    – OldPadawan
    Mar 16 at 7:45
  • 1
    Why wouldn't you just message her and say that you didn't see any message from her confirming the date/time/location? What's the downside?
    – DaveG
    Mar 17 at 20:24
  • @DaveG It just seems weird to say that, we did agree on date, not on time and location and that date passed. But also everything else about that and every other interaction with a stranger seems weird to me, so I'm looking for a way to do it without being weird Mar 18 at 5:09
  • Next time you set time and date beforehand and don't wait for the last day.
    – papakias
    Mar 19 at 14:40
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I am neither 30 nor from the Balkans, and I’m also not in the online dating world. However, I find it hard to fathom that common netiquette would not apply - as this exact type of conversation can for any type of relationship.

This is more or less what I would write for any friend, acquaintance, or colleague:

“Hi [name], just wanted to follow up on my last message. Is there a time that works well for you to [do something e.g. have a meeting to talk about a client issue, play video games]?”

In general, there’s nothing wrong with following up on a message so long as you do it in a way that is polite and non-confrontational. People are busy with their lives and forget to reply all the time, myself included. Furthermore, I’ve never once gotten a negative response to merely following up on a question, and I’ve never given a negative response to someone following up on a question. The key here is to avoid placing blame on anyone.

If you want to soften the message and also give your acquaintance an out, you can add a sentence emphasizing that there are no repercussions to backing out: “No worries if you can’t make it - I just wanted to check if we’re going ahead with [plan].”

Feel free to change the wording, but try to make it clear that:

  1. This is merely a follow up to the previous question - nothing more, nothing less. (No assumptions, no anger, no judgment.)
  2. There is an out, and that the other party is more than welcome to take it.

If she doesn’t reply to that, then don’t push it, though. That’s probably where dating etiquette differs from professional correspondences, I suppose - at work, sometimes you need to be persistent to get answers. For dating? Let it be.

Please note: This is assuming that you are on good terms, that she has made it clear up until now that she wants to talk with you, and that you have not said anything that would scare any reasonable person off...

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  • 1
    This answer is great, gives me insight on ways to communicate stuff like that better, but it isn't really applicable here since at the time of the asking they already missed the date we agreed on Mar 21 at 7:49
  • For clarification: you agreed on a time and a place... and neither of you showed up?
    – eurieka
    Mar 22 at 0:17
  • We agreed only on date and it was 5 days away so we said we'll talk about details later. Message about details was ignored Mar 22 at 7:04
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    You can still use the suggested message style for a follow-up: "hey. seems that we missed each other. shall we reschedule?" Mar 22 at 19:16
  • @Idontwantmynametobegooglable That’s fair. I agree with JulianeRöll ‘s comment, but if your acquaintance doesn’t respond to that, then I agree with the accepted answer - at that point (unless you know their personality well enough to know it’s not) it’s likely deliberate.
    – eurieka
    Mar 22 at 19:48

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