Let me give you as much information as possible so you understand how I ended up in this situation:

  • A couple months ago, on Valentine’s Day, I messaged my best friend who I’ve known for about two years now. I asked if she wanted to go out once lockdown was over (I made it clear it was a date).
  • She initially told me that she wasn’t completely sure if she felt the same way and that she had thought about it in the past but that she needed more time to think about it.
  • A few hours later, she told me that she only saw me as a friend but she appreciated my honesty.
  • Since then, I’ve alternated several times between feeling sad about it and wanting to move on, and wanting to try and change things between us.

The following things have happened since I asked her out:

  • We’ve grown much, much closer together and talk regularly online. I would say right now we are both each other’s closest friends. Although, she hasn’t expressed any additional romantic interest in me.
  • Due to university coming soon, we’ll only be in the same place for four more months.

Because of all of this, I’ve decided I want to try my best during those four months to get together with her.

Before anyone says anything, trust me, I know it’s very very unlikely she’ll change her mind but from my perspective I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I can’t begin to express how much I like her and before I asked her out I always sensed that she might have liked me. Her initial uncertainty when I asked her out makes me think I might have asked too soon.

Something that I’ve realised since I asked her out is that I’ve unfortunately been thinking that becoming better friends is the best way to get with her.

How can I make her view me less as a friend and more as a potential partner?

  • 8
    Wouldn't the better question be "How can I change myself to be more like what she wants in a partner"? You're asking to change something about her, but you only control yourself.
    – Erik
    Jun 1, 2021 at 11:17
  • 6
    "Due to university coming soon" - excuse the unromantic question but is there a point in getting together with a girl that 1. now has not enough feelings for you and 2. even if she had, you will be away from each other in some weeks? Probably this situation would turn your relationship status upside-down and only cause emotional trouble to you.
    – puck
    Jun 2, 2021 at 10:17
  • 3
    You can't make people fall in love with you. It happens or it doesn't happen. If you try to force it she will start avoiding you.
    – RedSonja
    Jun 9, 2021 at 8:44

2 Answers 2


I wound up marrying a woman I was very good friends with, so it's possible.

The first thing, though, is for you to realize where you are making mistakes. You can't "make" her view you as less of a friend and more as a potential partner. Only she can decide to do that. Many guys complain about being "friendzoned" as if it's some kind of dishonor. Frankly, it's all in how the woman sees you. If she thinks you're not partner material, then you stay friends - and that's not a bad thing.

There were several things that we did that changed from being friends to being romantic partners. First of all, we did things together. That allowed our friendship to grow. Secondly, we took part in activities that allowed her trust to grow in me. To women, that is HUGE. If they don't feel safe around you or don't trust you, then your task is a lot harder, if not impossible. By allowing her to see a more vulnerable side of me, she was able to see what I enjoyed and I could allow her to share my passions. In turn, she shared her interests and hobbies with me, which further allowed her to see me as someone she could trust.

Build her up. Allow her to see that you believe in her. Maybe she never will see you as anything more than a friend. But maybe, just maybe, she might realize that you have the qualities she is looking for. The trick, at least for me, was to be happy that she was my friend and to see where that took us.


I have to say that there is no way for you to do it behind her back. There is no advice here you can apply, no secret potion or deodorant for you that will change things. You cannot change your behavior enough to matter, you have not in all this time.

You must change the situation, and it takes nerve, at least decisive action. Since time is short, and even if it were not, the only thing you can do is to tell here and now that this is it, you really want to move forward with the relationship, perhaps slowly or very slowly but definitely and not kind-of. This is not a demand for a goodnight kiss but a fair announcement that you will not go on with things as they are. Put her, politely and calmly on notice that you are prepared to make plans for her in your life. She has had enough time to get to know you and as your paths are about to split she has to decide whether she will agree to move, slowly and carefully, with you, to some new level of understanding. There are sad movies on just this plot line where you make no such hint or suggestion and stay "pals" until the lonely end.

After thinking about it for days or weeks she must let you know. Each of you deserves a life free from the other if it is not going to happen. It's terrible to survive the loss but worse to carry on as if things might just change soon when they clearly are not going to. Let her know. Give her time to come back with an answer and move on with your lives, together or apart.

I've done all the things suggested here and elsewhere and it still depends on what I've said here. Tell her. Wait(!!!) for an answer and go forward.

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