My boyfriend blocked me, I would like to make up with him

Question

Background: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years. We are a long distance couple.

Basically my boyfriend blocked me on all social media because I have overreacted on him. That was two almost three days ago. The situation was that he has been cold to me and I have deleted the nicknames in our chat and accused him of only seeing me as his friend and not his girlfriend.

I have written an apology email to him, tried to reach out to him via Pinterest Direct Messages and a new profile on Messenger but he simply has not responded to anything. In my messages I have written:

• Why I am sorry for my behaviour.
• What I love about him.
• That I treasure him and that I am seeing a future with him.
• Told him that I want to make it up to him for my stupidity.
• Told him why it took me two almost three days to respond.
• Took the blame for my actions on me and told him that I did not mean to hurt him

It has been now hours later and he has not even responded or seen any of the messages. I am worried that this has been the last straw for him and that he actually broke up with me. I have always overreacted on him the past few months and he has blocked me countless times and told me this is my "last chance".

I want to make sure he knows that I am honestly sorry, I want that he understands that I am willing to change and I am willing to take the blame and I honestly regret my harsh words towards him.

I have no idea anymore what I can do. I have read many apology articles since two days and really tried to word it nicely on how sorry I am but it seems all so worthless.

How I can make it up to him and make him see my apology?

Answer 1

In my experience, the only real apology that matters is changed behavior. This is something that I have been on both sides of. Apologies with written or spoken words, gifts, gestures, etc. are nice in the moment, but soon become meaningless if someones behavior is repeated.

I have always overreacted on him the past few months and he has blocked me countless times and told me this is my "last chance".

By your own admission, you have a pattern of behavior that has been an issue in your relationship and clearly your partner has communicated that if things didn't change, that the relationship would be over for him. It also sounds like he's blocking you because he expects your pattern of behavior to be an issue even after the relationship is over and needs to set healthier boundaries for himself.

I had a similar situation with a woman I dated two years ago that was incredibly jealous and needy. She was never okay with me having female friends regardless of how platonic the friendships were and always considered my friends to be threats. I tried to reassure her ad nauseam how I didn't have feelings for any of them, but it always ended up with arguments. When I ended the relationship it was horrible and she did some pretty immature and petty things to spite me afterwards. She tried to paint this picture of herself as a victim on social media and was clearly just seeking validation from strangers to make her feel better at the time. She would post thirst trap videos of her proclaiming how sorry she was and how "she was letting me go", etc, etc. The stress of it all caused me to end up blocking her as well. I was so done and ready to move on. At the time, blocking her honestly felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex is feeling the same way as I did. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to change that except to respect his boundaries and try to move on. Showing him that you respect his decision by not overreacting and not trying to convince him that you should get back together, is also the best chance you have of getting him back as well.

I admit after a few months of not seeing my ex and after I had a chance to decompress I really did miss her. It was hard to not remember the good times we shared and we did have some amazing chemistry while it lasted, so I did reach back out to try and clear the air and extend an olive branch of sorts. Unfortunately after a few text exchanges and a bit of flirting, her old self came roaring back. She began grilling me about my friendships and took no responsibility for her behavior. That was all I needed to know that we weren't going to work out and I politely said goodbye and haven't spoken to her since. Looking back though, I know that I was definitely entertaining the idea of us getting back together, because despite her behavior I truly felt that we did have a great connection and didn't want to let that go.

Obviously there's no guarantee that your ex will do the same, but if there's real love between the two of you and you had a genuine connection, then there's always a chance. So my best advice to you is to take this time to work on yourself and try to find healthier ways to deal with your issues that are causing you to overreact. You have to take it seriously too and you might even try consulting with a professional therapist, counselor, etc. It can't just be something you're doing with the hopes of getting him back either. It has to be something that you truly want for yourself if you expect to have any progress or change.

Your ex may never see the new and improved you, but you should at least take comfort in knowing that you truly learned from your mistakes and are serious about being a healthier partner in future relationships going forward.

Answer 2

So, your behavior in the past has been at issue by your admission. How has it been so? Have you mildly overreacted or gone nuclear?

It seems like this latest outburst is the nuclear option as far as your SO is concerned. You accused him of seeing you as a friend and not a girlfriend. That's a pretty serious accusation. I've never been accused of that, but if my girlfriend accused me of that, I'd be curious what they mean. Now, if they had a history of drama, like you apparently do, I may be more dismissive than if that were the first time I'd been accused with evidence presented.

He's given you a "last chance" a couple of times. That's more than I give people - when I say "last chance", it is literally their last chance to do something. Fail, and it's over. That's not harsh; that is realistic and establishes boundaries. I've never had to do that with a SO, so this sounds pretty serious to me.

It's been my experience that apologies are just words. A true apology contains an expression of guilt, acknowledgement of what was wrong and (most importantly) an attempt to change the behavior. I don't know if you've tried changing your behavior; from your post it sounds like you haven't in the past. If that's the case, how much stock do you expect him to put into your apology? When someone repeatedly apologizes to me without at the least a promise of change or an attempt at it, I consider it not a heartfelt apology and more of an "I'm sorry you reacted that way" kind of apology.

How do you make up to him? I think you've done this in the past. You can see where that's gotten the both of you. How do you make him see your apology? You can't "make" anyone do anything, really. You've apologized (again); you've done really everything you can do. At this point the best thing, in my experience is to sit down and really take a look at yourself. Ask yourself "what could I have done differently?" I do that all the time in work fiascos and take accountability- what could I have done differently? Maybe it wasn't much, but that self-reflection shows in my performance and my boss knows that I do that to improve. And in personal relationships, that is critical. If you're always taking all the blame, that's a different issue. But it's important to accept accountability and understand where yours is.

I think you're starting to do that. Understand your accountability. Change where you recognize you need to. Let him make the next move. When he's ready, he will. And he'll need to see that you took your mistake seriously and are making an attempt to change. That's what I expect from my personal relationships, and I don't think I'm that abnormal.