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Me and B, my best friend, 2 boys, were the core of a group of friends.

C, a girl, became a core member by coming to almost every gathering we had. I started having feelings for her but long story short, she slept with B casually. I made a scene out of this, and that's how they learned about my interest and decided to stop making out. That's just a crush, she's not the only fish in the sea, but I still feel bitter for being rejected.

Now things with C are weird despite the appearances. Our group still meets regularly (6 months since the events), but I feel like she and I are friends to B, but not to each other anymore.

How to avoid her, while keep seeing everyone else?

I'm not sure I want to avoid her, but I wanted to ask here to see if it's worth the trouble. I want to keep B as a friend at all cost and I would want to leave the ankwardness/looserness, I feel when I meet her

Edit responding comments:

I don't want to be there when she comes but I haven't tried anything yet. I feel it would force B and the other members of the group to choose between C and me. That's unfair, they shouldn't suffer from this situation.

As a group we do the same things than before the events: playing games, going to gigs, restaurants, bars, holidays together. We often end around a table (3 to 10 people). They are a few activities she dislikes while the rest of the group likes it.

Because we have a group chat, it's easy to know when someone comes.

The options I see are :

  • Doing like the previous months, staying miserable and hoping it gets better with more time
  • Not coming when I learn about her presence, making false excuses. I fear what will happen if the group sees that I'm avoiding her. And I may miss really cool events with my other friends.
  • Taking the lead from B to invite everyone but her (100% drama)
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    Are there meetings where she isn't present, or is she still present at almost every gathering? Is this about avoiding her when the entire group is together, or do you not want to go to gatherings if you know she'll be there? For either case, can you add some more details, like what does the group do if they're together, are there possibilities to just have as little contact as possible? Or is there some way for you to see who is coming to what meeting, and just await her answer before deciding if you go? Did you try anything like that yet, how did that work out?
    – Tinkeringbell
    Mar 30 at 10:12
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    Can you invite people from the group but not her? What possibilities do you have, and what kind of interpersonal skills are you struggling with when using those possibilities?
    – Tinkeringbell
    Mar 30 at 10:12

1 Answer 1

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Having been in your situation, with the difference of "sadness" instead of "bitterness", I can only offer a frame challenge, because all of your bullet-point options are not worth the price you're about to pay...

You had a crush, and have been rejected. So be it! Bite the bullet and move on. There's no need to feed or grow feelings of resentment towards any of them. Doing that, you may feel much more than them the bitterness of the pill, and there's no gain for you doing this. As a person, you'll grow by accepting the disappointment and move on. You can't always be "the special one" to someone else.

I was sad for weeks (months) when I faced the exact same situation. Friends could see it, could feel it. Some of them knew what happened, some didn't. Live the happy moments with them, and, after a couple of meetings, when things get better (time heals...), try and be as normal as you used to be. I did that, and it was the only way I found to feel happy again.

Don't throw any of them under the bus. Don't blame anyone, and especially her or you. Don't put the bill on any of the other members of the group (by being grumpy or sad of whatever-else), they're not responsible and don't have to pay for you feelings, it would ruin your freindships and future events. Interacting as usual, not avoiding anyone or being cold, is key to not poisining the mood. It helps if you can interact showing no sadness, anger or bitterness, even if you feel like it.

Enjoy the little moment, even when she'll be here, so that these moments become the good memories and surpass the bad feelings. It'll help you become stronger, because what you experience right now is an intrapersonal issue. You'll have to overcome this by yourself, with inner strenght. If you're not happy for some time, do like the old saying advices to: fake it 'til you make it. Bright moments finally overcome dark thoughts. Let them shine while you're with your friends, it'll keep you warm when you're alone. And move on.

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  • That's what I did since the desillusion happened,. I agree it's an intra-personal problem but I was hoping to find an inter-personal alternative. Because we gather once or twice a week, I struggle with the 'move on' part
    – Headax
    Mar 30 at 14:19
  • "I was hoping to find an inter-personal alternative" : you listed all of them more or less. 1. attend the event and feel bad 2. not going and loose friends/opportunities 3. invite all but her and create problems. And that's why I, from experience, I forgot those 3 (and don't know of any other option...)
    – OldPadawan
    Mar 30 at 15:35
  • I don't understand the differences between your answer and the first option. Attending the event, feeling bad until I don't feel bad anymore
    – Headax
    Mar 30 at 15:48
  • IMO, option #1 means interacting as usual, not avoiding anyone or being cold. It's what I recommend, but I thought your point was attending and avoiding interacting with her. So they seem different to me. I'll clarify that in my answer.
    – OldPadawan
    Mar 30 at 17:08

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