I met this girl on online a few weeks ago and we started dating two days after. She assumes that I'm a guy and I was going to tell her that I'm actually a girl, but then I felt bad because what I feared the she might break up with me or think that it’s her fault for wrongly assuming I'm a boy.

So I just let her think I was a guy and now I don’t know what to do. I'm planning on telling her this night but I don’t know how to tell her.

She told me that she's bisexual and I'm too.

  • 1
    How old are you both? What kind of 'dates' have you had so far, that you managed to keep this concealed for this long? What's stopping you from 'simply' telling her like you did write it here in this question, can you elaborate on what part of the 'how to tell' you are stuck?
    – Tinkeringbell
    Jun 16 at 7:37
  • we are doing great, we don’t have any dates so far. So what’s stopping me from telling her is that i didn’t have the time to tell her but today i do have the time but i feel very uneasy and i been overthinking that what if she breaks up with me or she’ll ghost me you or something like that. I’m planing to just tell her that i’m sorry for not telling her earlier and that i’m a girl and not guy and i’m hoping that she’ll understand and hopefully we’ll still be together but i think we’ll break up but we’ll be just friends. sorry for my grammar if it doesn’t make sense, im not good at english. Jun 16 at 10:55
  • 2
    Your post stated you have been dating this girl, but now you say you haven't had any dates so far. Which is it? If you want to just tell her that you're sorry for not telling her earlier, what part of that are you still struggling with? What Interpersonal Skill (behavior you use to interact with others, to achieve certain goals) is it that you are struggling with?
    – Tinkeringbell
    Jun 16 at 10:58
  • 4
    I have already told her that i’m a girl but surprisingly it went well and we are still together! Jun 16 at 19:11
  • 1
    That's nice for you, but it doesn't improve your post....
    – Tinkeringbell
    Jun 16 at 19:13

1 Answer 1


There are many ways to correct a bad assumption. Which one you use depends on how sure you are the person has made that assumption, and how important it is they be corrected.

Say for example that she says something that indicates she thinks you're a boy, like "I bet you're the smartest boy in your whole class!". You can quickly and low-key correct her:

Smartest girl, actually, but yeah


I'm smarter than most of the boys, but I wouldn't say I'm the smartest girl, some girls in my class are even smarter than me

(Notice there is some other point in these sentences than just correcting. When you only correct you leave the person nothing to respond to except the correction, and they will probably give you some sort of apology, and perhaps feel embarrassed, or angry and deceived, and the whole thing spirals from there. By leaving an opportunity for the conversation to keep on the original track with a corrected assumption, you make it low key.)

But maybe she doesn't say anything you can react to, you're just getting a vibe that even though she is attracted to both boys and girls, she thinks you're a boy. You don't want to ask her -- that puts her on the spot. So just work your gender into the conversation you're already having. Perhaps tell a little story about how one of your parents called you a good/bad/patient/helpful/wonderful daughter recently, or a sibling called you a [adjective] sister or that sort of thing. Or in talking about future career plans, working in "even though that's unusual for a woman to have that job" or "and yeah, I know, it's such a stereotype for a woman to have that job" before carrying on with why you want that career. Again, giving some way for the conversation to just keep right on rolling without requiring her to react to the information that you are definitely a girl.

People get my gender wrong online all the time. I sometimes correct them and sometimes don't. But I'm not in a romantic relationship with these people, I'm just helping them with software development. Even though you're both bi, I understand it's important for you to both be clear about who you are. Yet you don't want a fight about it. The best way to get there is to tell her as soon as possible, without making it a big deal, using conversational techniques that don't force her to respond to that information immediately. These techniques boil down to "don't just type one sentence that is only your gender, such as 'I need you to know I am actually a girl' - those put too much focus on it." Work it into something else, but be clear and direct when you do.

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