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I am 14. Since my family is separated and we moved (by now 2 families, I have moved 8 times) I've experienced a loss of friends and social ability.

I know it's normal to sleep from 11 PM to 6 AM or something like that but I perform much better when I am awake during those hours. If I were able to have no schedule and no parents, my norms would be to wake up at 8 PM and go to sleep about 10 AM-12 PM (I can sleep up to around 11 hours). I don't know why, but my mind feels less scattered when I have slept for 8-11 hours instead of 6-7.

I mostly live at my mom's place, and she is mad at me whenever I am up all night and sleep during the day. On nights when I go to sleep at 3-4 AM I would naturally end up waking up at about 3 PM, but my mum wakes me up at about 1 PM.

Who is "right" and how should I communicate with my parents about this issue so they allow me my own sleep schedule?

closed as too broad by Arwen Undómiel, Rory Alsop, JAD, Tinkeringbell, Jess K. Jan 15 '18 at 14:15

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Might be worth asking over at the Parenting SE. – Crafter0800 Jun 29 '17 at 10:17
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    @Crafter0800 it might be on topic for parenting, but it doesn't mean it's not ontopic for this site. There will always be overlasp – user57 Jun 29 '17 at 10:56
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    I'm not sure, but shouldn't you go to school during the day? – Vylix Jun 30 '17 at 0:11
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    As a note, Parenting is quite happy to take questions from kids asking how to talk with their parents. :) Also, for someone your age (14-17), you should be getting 8-10 hours of sleep per night, if not slightly more (9-11 hours up to age 13). If you are functioning at all on 6-7 I would be surprised. sleepfoundation.org/press-release/… – Catija Jul 14 '17 at 2:22
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    When you write "I perform much better", could you please detail what kind of performance you are talking about (homework?) and how you measured that? It might be that at these hours nobody is around to bother you, so you might be able to achieve the same at a library. Or maybe you just enjoy these hours where nobody is expecting anything from you? – nic Jul 14 '17 at 3:37
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I'm thinking about this from a compassionate communication perspective.

I think trying to figure out who is "right" isn't useful here. Instead, understand why she is waking you up, explain to her why you want to sleep in, and come up with a strategy together to meet both of your needs.

Let's focus on your mother, since she's usually your caregiver. You're in a situation where your mother has authority over you and you want to convince her to change the way she's behaving.

This is a situation where you and your mother have different needs. It sounds like you seek the freedom to make your own choices and the comfort of feeling like you've gotten a lot of sleep. Your mother, who is responsible for looking after you, might want to protect your health, give you practice with a "normal" sleeping schedule that you can maintain when you have work or school, and get more of a chance to see you while you're awake.

If you understand why your mother wants you to wake up earlier than you want to, you'll be better-equipped to suggest a strategy that suits both of your needs. Talk to her and find out why she's waking you up, and explain to her what your needs are (that you feel better with more sleep, like staying up late, and want to make your own choices). Once you both feel understood, you're in a place where you can discuss approaches.

Don't come into this conversation to try and convince her of a certain solution. You need to arrive at a decision together that meets both of your needs.

Remember: right now she's responsible for you: financially, ethically, and (in some places) legally. One reason why parents deny their children freedom and agency is that if their children mess up then any consequences are the parents' fault... and usually, parents feel very bad if their children are hurt or otherwise suffer bad consequences. So even if it seems like your sleep is none of her business, she may care about it more than you might assume at first.

  • ps have asked why - "I miss the day" and about the legal things, at least in Estonia you are responsible for your actions yourself. (14+) – Kristofer Vesi Jun 29 '17 at 20:46
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    Do you feel that you understand why she cares if you miss the day? Does she feel like you understand? It's not only important for you to know; in order for her to feel like you're having an equal discussion, she needs to feel that you hear what she's saying. – Gregory Avery-Weir Jun 29 '17 at 20:56
  • I think it's because of me wasting my life and it doesn't seem, that I am awake for the same amount of time. Recently (not when this topic was a bigger topic) She says, that she wants me to listen everything she has to say before I say anything. I wait 2 seconds and then talk, but it is still counted as distrupting the talk. The most common is the I have an IT problem and I restarted and shut downed and so on and I didn't solve it she says it at least 4-5 times and I need to watch and wait like an idiot, not solving the problem. – Kristofer Vesi Jun 29 '17 at 21:03
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Based on your family situation and age, there may also be psychological and/or medical issues involved. You could consider having a 'sleep study' done to better identify your sleep quality during these periods, to establish a medical baseline.

This baseline could serve as a foundation to discuss the interpersonal issues, as well as provide something to evaluate your sleep quality and patterns in the future, or indicate any next medical steps to consider. In any case, it's additional information you can use in your decisions and conversations.

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