How to make friendships work with borderline personality disorder

Question

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and a lot of issues that may make me a terrible friend such as lashing out/and or being inconsistent, which I am seeking help for. I'm not excusing this behavior and I am aware this is bad, i'm trying to work on improving this aspect.

What I’ve tried:

• Informing friends about what BPD is: they seem to have gotten the gist of it, but still take certain BPD behaviors personally.
• Asking friends to set boundaries with me: This always ends badly because my friend sees boundaries as a punishment, and refuses to set boundaries on what they find acceptable. To be frank, I’m confused on what behaviors they will or wont accept from me. They also have boundaries which aren't as rigid and it confuses me when they tell me to not mention certain subjects that trigger them (fair) but then prompt me to elaborate on them anyway.
• Isolating myself to prevent lashing out: Friend became upset that I was withdrawing from them and took it personally despite me explaining.
• Letting them know that supporting a person with BPD can be exhausting and that they are free to leave if it gets too overwhelming : they insisted they would stay and work it out with me.
• Going to therapy: I’m still going, and so far I’m still struggling with applying conflict resolution skills I’ve learnt from DBT. Haven’t made much progress yet.

While I understand that I have accountability over what I do, I feel terrible because healing doesn’t happen that fast and whilst I’m still building the skills needed to cope with it, I’m bound to have periods where I slip up. My friend agreed to stay, but still remains upset whenever symptoms of my BPD show up.

Additional info:

• My friend makes distasteful remarks about people with BPD, and generally has a bad opinion on people with said disorder. I understand they have bad experiences around people with the disorder, but it kind of upsets me because I display the exact same symptoms and have it myself.

My behavior has caused a lot of distress to my friends which I don’t expect them to excuse at all and they say they are willing to work through it with me. However, I want them to know that it’s not personal, so what else can I do to minimize conflict in friendships?

Answer 1

First up: Hats off for being so self-reflected and taking responsibility.

I've been in a relationship with a borderliner and it didn't survive (the relationship). Because you are absolutely right, BPD is hell for those around you (and probably for you as well).

That said, forget about people not taking things personal. When you lash out at someone, that absolutely is personal. What else could it be?

What can smooth things over is to take responsibility and make amends - the same thing anyone should do when they've messed up. Something as simple as "So sorry for that earlier. Let me pay for the drinks, ok?" can already work. The key component is to understand and admit that you've caused some damage, and then undoing that damage as good as possible.

Also understand that the things you mention are highly unusual and that's why your friends refuse. For example, you try to isolate yourself, but what friends do to each other is to be there in bad times, and even more so if the person suffering says stuff like "I don't want to be a burden". By social convention, they will tell you that you're not a burden and understand it as "I really, really need someone right now".

Honestly, from what you write, it seems to me that you are doing a lot of the right things and it's just in the nature of BPD that it doesn't work as easily and completely as you want.

Reiterating some points to your friends, especially the point that if it gets too much they can totally disappear for a few days and you won't hold it against them, is key. Such unconventional messages won't be believed until you've repeated them several times.

Answer 2

It is awesomely courageous of you, to reach out to your friends and be open about your condition/illness. This is the right way, I would say.

Problem is, even if it is more than evident to you, that you have told them everything and all their options and maybe you feel relieved about it - they are prone to forget everything during the times where everything is running smoothly and then cannot remember a word you explained them when something bad happens between you.

So, from what you told, I would say, you cannot do much more. Except being prepared and willing to repeatedly explain those things in the right moments. Be genuine about your feelings about what happened, if something happened. I think you are already, that is an invaluable feat! Also prepare them maybe that you can only apologize after the fact and this might not be a guarantee that it will never happen again.

But keep in mind:

After all, it is a mental illness. If someone is suffering under a certain condition, this is not done voluntarily. You are in a way innocent, but (severely) handicapped.

Someone else might break a leg and everybody around is in shock. He can apologize for being the "cause of trouble" later. But this also would not be a guarantee for it not happen again (could also happen to somebody else in the same group). It was a special situation, an accident. Nobody would demand to always wear protective gear afterwards to avoid having this happen ever again.

You are not numb to the feelings of others. On the contrary, you try to (overly) protect them from "you being a burden". But this is your subjective view on yourself. You have to allow the others to take responsibility for their feelings towards you in the way they think it is best for them. You do not need to find a way of behaving in a way that is best for them (this is like forcing yourself wearing protective gear or worse keeping a distance in the hopes that this will not happen again - this is like imposing a punishment on yourself just because you are you... that does not help anyone!). You need to find a way that is best for you. Rely on the fact that they will do the same for themselves.

Meaning, given some lashing out happened: The situation somehow dissolves, like both of you going home in distress. A day later you realize what happened and want to mend things and reach out to the other person (which alone deserves deepest respect for doing the first step!).

If the other is not ready yet, then you have to give more time. Respect the behavior of the others as you want your behavior be respected by them. If they agree on sorting things out, great, be there for them - if you also want/be able to! If they at some point decide, they can no longer stand the friendship to you, and you cannot do something against it (which also needs to be okay for you!), then ultimately you have to let them go their way.

Even if you will be devastated and sad and never want this to happen to you, that would be something you cannot prevent solely on your own. There need to be two willing to uphold the friendship. Sounds hard to realize and it is. So just try to embrace the thought step by step. In the end I think it makes things easier for you and your friends. Even if it means you lose some of them, others will stay at your side and ever so strongly.

To the point of bad remarks on BPD:

You can see this as a kind of accolade towards you (although with a bad taste of course). They are not seeing you as being of the same group as they make the remarks on. You can see it as them being ignorant towards you and also mean towards the others (which is valid!), which of course, increases your resentment against your friends and the wish to support the other BPD people - also in order to not have the feeling of denying yourself.

I would give the advise (if the situation permits, which I imagine to happen at some distance, not a physical engagement), observe your feelings in that moment, but try to keep yourself away of being the "justice police" in that situation. You do not need to scold them on the spot (except of course it takes on insulting dimensions). You can of course also make a remark about the behavior of your friends in that situation (idk, like "shut up" or "don't be mean" - should be in the same range of intensity as they used).

Rather, because I think you are a reflective person, give yourself the time to think things over and then seek a more quiet situation where you can talk about your feelings you observed in you, with your friends, or even in solo instead of the whole group. You do not have to deny anything and you are allowed to confront your friends with your feelings. But you should also chose the right moment and also be prepared to face their reactions.

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart!

Answer 3

As I understand BPD, I'd go more with asking the other person what they want. Then, if they call you out on it, it's possible to restate what they asked you for or ask for further clarification. This framework would then teach you how to ask yourself for what you need. Once that is worked out, you'll be able to communicate that to others.

People often lack self-awareness, so some degree of "love" is required in any interaction.