3

The background for this problem is a bit longer than normal eyes can handle and don't bleed. Be prepared :) My English is bad. I'm okay if you think that my feelings, thoughts for this case are childish.

Background

I'm 16 years old, she is 14 years old. We communicated via the Internet, although she and I live in different countries, I'm in Armenia, and she is in Russia.

We know each other for more than 6 months. I can confidently say that I love her. It's not just romantic feeling, it's more like to love a little sister or close friend.

About one month passed after her father read our conversations. I think the dialogue was fine, except there were romantic declarations (like "I love you" or "We will meet someday and be together"). Her parents think, that I am older (like 30 year old pedophile), that I used her and so on. Please, don't blame me, everything was done with mutual agreement. I think people don't understand my intentions. My intentions were good.

Her father deleted all her accounts on social networks and seized every possible way to reach her. He threatened me with the police. Some time passed, my girlfriend sent me a text message. We resumed our conversations. She told me that after "the incident" her mother rented an apartment, and they got separated from the family's father. I comforted her. Sometime after they had a family meeting, further from her words "...He thinks, that I will go crazy from love and kill myself... He thinks that you will cause me pain. He thinks that I will run away from home to Armenia".

Last time when she was online, she said that her parents allowed us to send each other paper letters. We exchanged our addresses, she promised to send me a letter the next day. She also gave me her mother's phone number to send my new address if it was changed.

I waited one week and then sent a SMS to her mother. Maybe it is stupid, but I couldn't just sit and do nothing. "Hello, this is Y. Please do not get mad at X because she gave me your number. I know that I do not inspire trust, but I ask you to take me seriously. I want to settle the situation. I believe that X's father is right and I want to apologize. I do not want all of us to quarrel; I propose having a serious discussion."

I got a reply the next day "Y, please, wait for my letters

(from X)"

Soon after that, I received a letter. She wrote that "My father read our conversation, he thinks that you are smart beyond your age and well-educated. He is looking forward to formally get to know you". I sent a longish reply to her and notified her about that via SMS to her mother (she asked me to do it).

Today I received another SMS from her mother "Hello. This is X's mother, it will be better for everyone if your communication with X ends. Please do not answer her letters."

This is the end of the story for now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to betray her faith in me by ignoring her letters.

END

Her parents are right, I know it, but I just want to get a second chance. I want to show them my good sides. It's pretty stressful for me, I can't just say anything. It's like a mind game, where I try to manipulate them, to convince them that I didn't do anything wrong and will not cause her pain. I just want to protect her smile, that's all.

Is question too broad? Off topic? I really don't know. I'm desperate and will appreciate any help.

  • 3
    Please be more clear about the question you want to ask. Do you actually want us to help you convince your girlfriend's parents to let her comunicate with you? – Axel2D Aug 30 '17 at 11:06
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    I don't know what's going on on their side, but this whole story reads as if someone's lying (either to you or to her). Using letters is possibly a way to either read all your communication or just throw your letters away (or forge them) and make you seem like the bad guy to her. Not sure if there's anything you can really do about that if that's the case. – NotThatGuy Aug 30 '17 at 12:45
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    @Inline the postman usually just drops the envelope through the mailslot unless you ask for personal delivery with identification, which is very expensive. – Erik Aug 31 '17 at 8:36
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    Based on what X said about her father having read your message, and the fact that they're living separately now, it sounds like you at least won the father over, unless I'm missing something? – Onyz Sep 21 '17 at 13:22
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    What does the law say in that country(s)? What happens to the girl if you persist (as in what will her parents do to her perhaps)? – johnny Sep 21 '17 at 15:11
19

Honestly, if I was you, I would consider giving up on this. They are making sure that their 14 years old child doesn't have any contact with a stranger (to their eyes) on the internet. That actually is some good parenting, the internet is a dangerous place for people who don't have much experience, especially if that young. Plus, if her parents think that she is too young for a relationship, you have basically no chances.

I suggest you try to think for a moment and see things from their point of view.

Now, if you really can't give up on this relationship, you, of course, have to somehow convince her parents that you are not a danger. Therefore it's extremely important that whatever you say to them will be said in the most polite and respectful way. From what I can understand the only way you can communicate with them (more precisely, with her mother) is by phone and with letters. She could easily block you on the phone and start throwing away all the letters received by you without reading them.

Once you know how you want to approach them my general suggestion is to get her parents to know you better. They don't know you, you are a stranger to their eyes, that is why they are scared. How to do this is up to you, a serious talk by phone, by making your parents talk to hers, by arranging a meeting... This is up to you.

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    I totally agree with you. If I were parent, I will end up with the same solution for my daughter's relationship with some shady guy. Even so I want to fight this to the very end :) – Inline Aug 30 '17 at 12:52
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    You genuinely sound like a good person. Good luck with this! – Axel2D Aug 30 '17 at 12:54
5

Your English is actually pretty good, I could understand everything, concise writing, well done for a 16-year-old.

If I were you, I would consider letting this whole thing go. I understand the feelings you have for her but at such tender age, neither one of you is ready for "love". Besides, long-distance relationships seldom work out. You wrote

This is the end of the story for now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to betray her faith in me by ignoring her letters.

which in my opinion is exactly what you should do. Explain to her that after long consideration you realized that this whole thing has gone too far. You may think it's the end of the line for your love life, but in reality, it's not! You've learned so much about protective parents and how keeping contact with people from far away is difficult. Remember those lessons and move forward.

I suggest you write something like

I''m sorry for writing this, but I think we should both move on. You're a great girl, I really wish you the best of luck in life! Don't think that something is wrong with you, it's the distance separating us...

I hope things turn out just fine for you!

  • 2
    Welcome to Interpersonal Skills! I invite you to take the tour and visit our help center to learn more about the site and its guidelines. Good first answer, by the way. :) – NVZ Aug 30 '17 at 13:15
  • About the English, we edit all posts here to improve them. But I agree, the initial draft was good. – NVZ Aug 30 '17 at 13:18
  • Thank you, @NVZ for recognizing my work as useful. Also, I totally missed the "edited" tag underneath the OP's post! – Pero Aug 30 '17 at 13:23
  • It took sometime for me to find words to answer this. I thought little about this solution. It sounds to me like the last choice. It will be hard for me to do, but I guess, despite my maximalism I will had to do it at some point for everybody's sake. Thanks for the words of support! I see that you understood my feelings very well! :) – Inline Aug 30 '17 at 13:24
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    No problem, that's why I decided to come here and help people. I think that seeing a problem from different perspectives is always helpful. Again, I wish you all the best! – Pero Aug 30 '17 at 13:28
4

You can't.

I'd like to tell you otherwise, but that's just not possible.

Her parents are right, I know it.

That's exactly why you won't be able to convince them to allow the two of you to communicate. Because her parents are right, and made the appropriate decision.

For you the situations is a 16 years old talking to a 14 years old for them the situation is a stranger talking to a 14 years old.

You can't prove to them that you are 16 and not 55, and, furthermore you can't prove to them that you are not ill-intentioned. Even if you met in person, and proved to them that you are 16, you would still be a stranger.

Her parents are trying to protect her from a stranger she met on the internet, nothing more than that.

You said in a comment

Even so I want to fight this to the very end

My advice ? Don't.

You are not facing an injustice, or some unfair situation, you are facing parents protecting their child. This is a fight that, not only you can't win, but that you shouldn't fight to begin with.

If you keep pushing that situation, it might escalate, and it won't be in your favor. If I were in their position I would have contacted the police a long time ago, and I think many other parents would have.

I don't know about Russia and Armenia, but there are many countries, where, if you keep contacting someone when they (or their parents) asked you not, it would be considered as harassing.

Something else that you need to consider, is that, the longer this situation goes on, the more it will damage her relation with her family.

To me, there is no conclusion that is positive for you and her, so you have to make the choice between two bad :

  • Give up on the relationship
  • Keep trying to convince them

One will probably hurt both of you in a way that will more than likely heal with time.

The other is likely to hurt both of you in a much more damaging way.

Sometimes in life, you have to accept to give up, I think it's one of those times.

2

I think you should let it go for a couple years. Maybe write her one last letter, explaining why you should take a break, and asking her to contact you again when she's 16. Let her know that you're sincere in your feelings for her, but that you respect her parents concerns about her being drawn into too much of an intense emotional relationship with someone unknown to her and her family (these are valid concerns, especially for being so young and the relationship starting online).

That way there's still a chance it will work out, but it relies on you both being mature and having patience and having faith that things will work out, one way or another. So it addresses her parents' valid concerns and supports your long term standing in the whole family's eyes

2

If you want to go on with this and try to convince them that you are a "harmless" 16-year old rather than a child-preying old pedophile, make a video of yourself where you introduce yourself. Something along the lines of "Hi, my name is John. I'm really X years old. I met your daughter so and so online and I like her very much because we share an interest in / have similar humour.... I'm currently going to school/work/... In my free time I do ..." Direct it at the parents or the whole family.

In the end tell them you really like their daughter for the conversations you had. You can understand that they want to protect her from random people, or people who want to misuse her, but you genuinely like her and don't want to pressure her into anything but value her for her personality. But you will accept whatever they as a family decide. Maybe ask them to at least hear their daughter out when making that decision and consider her wishes (be careful with that in not implying they ignore her or don't know what is best for her, but a little reminder that she's basically interested in you as well would be okay and might help). Acknowledge that you cannot promise this will be eternal love if it is allowed to go on (no one actually can, relationships fail all the time also amongst adults), but that you won't deceive her and genuinely feel something for her but would also be fine with having her just as a pen pal for the time being. Put the video on a CD, data stick and send it along with a letter or make it available to them online somehow. You might also want to add a copy of your passport. Maybe add that she can always contact you in a few years if the family doesn't think now is a good idea to continue the relationship. In the end you will have to accept whatever they decide and should let it go if they decide against continuing the contact. It's not like in the Disney movies that there is only one special one out there - but there are still only a limited number of people you will truly connect with, not each one will work out - or will have to become a relationship partner.

Note that this assumes what I suggested to say in the video to be true or that you modify it such that it fits for the two of you! It's just a rough sketch, but I think seeing you can go a long way in convincing them of your age (at least the age region) as well as "connecting" with you as a person rather than a random jerk.

If you want a relationship out of this, remember (building) relationships takes patience. This holds especially for long-distance relationships and even more so if you're as young as you are. Be prepared for investing a lot of time and then still finding out that you actually won't be any more than distant friends ever, not because no one lets you get closer but because often - after the initial crush we realize we're not really meant for each other. So it's certainly easier to give up and statistically likely this will happen at some point. Whether it is better, no one can ultimately tell you - we're no fortune tellers unfortunately. So I'd say, if you feel like it, proceed, take it slow, respect them and expect that it doesn't work out, but feel free to hope a little.

P.S. You can also suggest to have a video chat via Skype or some other service with the family. But I'd send the video first - when you make it you can calmly present yourself without interruption and with the benefit to be able to redo it if you are too nervous at some point. Just also make sure it is not too long ;)

  • 1
    I was going to suggest a Skype call as well, so take my upvote. But I'd avoid sending a copy of your passport,the exact address etc. It's not safe to share personal data with some random stranger who happens to be the father of one's crush. – LinuxBlanket Feb 25 '18 at 1:34

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