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I have been with this girl a year now. She is well behaved, caring and all. But every once in a while she try to test my commitment. For example she if I come up with some plans for weekends, she would deliver NO straight away. If I try to convince her she would happily join me, else she would later complaint I didn't try to convince and my love is fading. Sometimes she goes to her hometown and would say I am not coming back, then I have to say something nice and then she would say that she's joking and she cant wait to come back. (Just to see how I react). I am sick of this constant doubting and not sure what to do.

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    Anyway, rather than asking us "How do I convince her?", how about asking her "How do I convince you?" when these kinds of situations happen? Not about doing things your way (or her way), but about your undying commitment to her." What would she say? – user3169 Sep 11 '17 at 6:57
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    @user3169 I think if you hold that kind of attitude towards your partner (and their gender), you're just not ready to get into a serious relationship yet. – Erik Sep 11 '17 at 7:06
  • @user3169 : Have asked her so many times. And If she wants to test me why can't she ask me straight questions. I am more than happy to tell her everything she wants to know. Nothing wrong with her testing. But I am worried how long and how many times I have to explain her same things. Also why its only girls that feels the need of testing. After all we all have bad past experiences. But we try not to let them alter our approach to the current experience. – Vishnu Dahatonde Sep 11 '17 at 9:00
  • Why do you call her a "girl" - how old are you? Where are you? When you come up with plans for the weekend do you invite her or tell her? – Catija Sep 11 '17 at 14:33
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    @user3169 - I can assure you that "most" women certainly don't insist on it. Relationships are built on trust, nat constant passing of tests. – anongoodnurse Sep 11 '17 at 14:44
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You should probably sit down and have a long talk with her since :

I am sick of this constant doubting and not sure what to do.

Here are some points of perhaps why she did so :

  • She had bad experience in her previous encounter (commitment related), thus being insecure.
  • She is possessive.
  • You are behaving suspicious, or your commitment is just not above her expectation.

By having a long and serious talk, you will discover the root cause of the problem. (natural behavior, bad experience etc). Do tell her that you are getting tired of this "You have to show commitment to prove that you are committed" game.

Here are some points you can mentioned during the long talk :

  • Constant doubting hurts the relationship.
  • You need her support and trust.
  • Any action that can increase and gain her trust than being suspicious.

Guy are not that good at showing our love(personal opinion) but that does not mean we do not commit or we do not care about the relationship. So approach her and communicate as relationship is not just one-sided input, is about giving and receiving.

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What you do depends on how much you want to remain in a relationship with this person. Do you want to stay if it never stops? Because it might not.

This isn't just done for fun; some of it is insecurity, some may be an attempt to control you, and some of it is a mild form of abuse.

Sometimes she goes to her hometown and would say I am not coming back...

Why would anyone do this? It is very unkind.

Good relationships are based in part on trust. Relationships without trust sometimes look like yours. If she doesn't trust you after a year, why is she still with you?

If you've never given her a reason to doubt you, and you want this relationship to continue, tell her that you're concerned by her lack of trust and ask her what she expects from you that would help her feel less insecure (maybe there is something you're not doing that she needs.) If she reveals that you're not (x) enough (e.g. x = affectionate), and it's reasonable, give it a go. If (x) is unreasonable, and you can't see yourself ever doing that, it's time to let her know that she will never be happy in the relationship.

  • And likewise, if doing X succesfully doesn't change the behavior, it's also time to go. – Erik Sep 11 '17 at 17:46
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Different people have different ways to communicate love. Regularly communicating love to your partner is part of what a relationship is about.

She doesn't need to doubt your love for her for it to feel great that you demonstrate your love for her. Gary Chapman invented the concept of the five love languages:

  1. Gift giving.
  2. quality time.
  3. words of affirmation.
  4. acts of service (devotion).
  5. physical touch.

Different individuals communicate their love with a different language and also want to hear that their partner communicates love in a certain way.

In the examples, you listed she wants words of affirmation. You might gift her flowers every week but receiving gifts isn't enough for her to know she's loved and thus it's not enough for her. Afterwards, she sets up situations that pressure you into saying words of affection, to feel loved by yourself.

A key to a good relationship is to understand how your partner wants you to communicate your love to them and also giving your partner an idea about how you want them to communicate that they love you.

  • Could you provide OP and future readers the link to the Gary Chapman you refer to please? I think it'll be very helpful ;) Thanks. (and it you don't like the edit I made, feel free to roll it back) – OldPadawan Sep 11 '17 at 11:42
  • When you say "gift flavors", do you mean flowers or like perfume or something? (I guess the former?) – Erik Sep 11 '17 at 11:50
  • @Erik : Yes, I meant to write flowers. – Christian Sep 11 '17 at 11:51
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It really depends on the level of it happening. If it's a lot, then where I am from that is called "playing games". Testing someone who doesn't know (at least not formally) that they are being tested, isn't a healthy dynamic for a solid relationship. You clearly aren't enjoying it. It is something you need to be clear with her that you do not like.

There are smaller ways women might do this though, common ones. She might put on a dress and ask how she looks. She likely wants you to tell her she looks amazing. Most don't want to hear that it's unflattering or that you hate that print or color. It is a reasonable side step for you to say something like, "You look great but the blue one looks amazing on you". That assumes there is a blue dress you do in fact like more.

The 5 love languages was already mentioned so I won't repeat that part. From what you describe it sounds like she is someone who require words of affirmation to feel loved. Some people can easily blow that off as thinking it's trivial, that you "stroking their ego", etc. If you love someone though, it is important to show them your love in a way that makes them feel loved. If that is words of affirmation, then you have to find a way to get yourself accustomed to speaking things to them that make them feel noticed, feel good, tells them how you feel. If you don't, you can risk them feeling unsure of your feelings, rejected even at times, and uneasy about where they stand with you.

And then there are actual insecurity issues. I cannot know whether that is what is going on based on not knowing her at all, but you might be able to ascertain that. If someone is deeply insecure, they can be a bottomless pit, so much so that no matter how many times or ways you tell them you love them (and mean it), they will forever need more. It's what I personally think of as an emotional vampire. I have only dated one and it was exhausting. It also got worse the longer we were together, not better. Overall I really did like him and we may have had some future, but I couldn't keep up with his need to be constantly reassured that I was invested, and as time progressed he also added in strange jealousies that started to spread to any person I was close with. He could be jealous of how close I was to my sister and wanted to know if I tell her things I don't tell him. What you describe didn't sound like that, but I thought I would put it out there because sometimes such minor things can be linked to deeper more troubling behaviors. Sometimes it can simply be that we really haven't demonstrated to them our love in a way that makes them feel special. It's not something I can say one way or another about strangers, but you certainly could figure that out by knowing her the way you do.

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