I have a recurring problem in my life.

I try, but I can't have female friends. It is hard for me because I love to have conversations with them and I have problems with guys because they act like children, they can only talk about sex, and things like that. Even if I try to talk about it with them, they can't do it in a serious or mature way.

It seems I have a lot of charm and charisma, especially on women, and this is something that girls have told me too.

The point is, that I am just myself. I talk with them, I tell them stupid things, like when I'm doing some poo (and I'm sure this isn't fascinating or mature at all), I talk with them about everything that is serious or not, and always as if they were adults without caring about their age.

Every time I'm clear that I just want to be friends and they seem to want the same, but after some weeks or less, they "fall in love" and tell me that they don't want to be my friend but more. When I clarify by repeating that I just want to be their friend, they just kick me out of their life.

It's like I can't control this, it happened when I was 19 years old with a 36-year-old woman too (but in her case we did something more).

I can't understand what happens because if I look at a mirror I feel uncomfortable, I see myself as an ugly guy, so I don't think it's physically related, especially considering that I'm not tall and I look younger.

Maybe I did something wrong, considering that I love cuddles and it's a part of my personality, when I'm single I hug my friends (only girls, I don't like to hug boys as that makes me feel uncomfortable) and I suppose that those cuddles may let them think that I want more.

I don't try to be "sexy" with them at all. I even asked one of them how she cleaned her nose with her piercing...

How can I be friends with a girl without making her fall in love with me?

  • Do you mostly hang out with women? With one at a time (until she wants more and then kicks you out of her life)? You hug them, you cuddle with them and spend a lot of time with them only? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Sep 13 '17 at 17:05
  • @AnneDaunted yes i mostly hang out with women, not always one at a time, but usually i meet more the girl that i know better, and yes hug them but i don't kiss or things like these – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 17:10
  • Maybe i forgot to specify that i have 2 older sisters, i grow up with 3 women by my side and i have a lot of emphaty with women, i mostly know what they think, what they would like me to do, and i understand what they want me to do, like when they want me to kiss them, i can feel it – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 17:13
  • So when you feel what they want you to do, do you react to them in some way, e. g. to prevent them kissing you or do you tell them outright that this is out of the question? Are you sure, that you are always correct in your judgement? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Sep 13 '17 at 17:18
  • 2
    Some of the answers to this question may be of help: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/2632/… – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Sep 13 '17 at 17:26

You could always try hanging out with women who aren't attracted to men... Joking there, but it would solve the problem.

Likely the best thing you could do is take a moment to recognize some of the signals you're sending. If you're younger and spending a lot of time alone with someone who could potentially be attracted to you, and you talk to them constantly, and try to make them laugh, and hug/cuddle with them when you see them.... Well it's not too surprising that they may think you're flirting.

Actions speak louder than words. Particularly when it comes to romantic entanglement.

If you want to "just be friends" start treating the women around you like they're just your friends. As in:

  • Make a point to spend time with them in group settings.
  • Keep your hands to yourself.
    • Treat your female friends like you would treat your male friends.
    • (If you wouldn't touch someone that you weren't attracted to that way, don't touch them that way)
  • Spread your attentions to more than one person.
    • People will often get the "wrong" impression if you talk to them a lot more than you talk to others.

Also it helps to be more aware of when they are flirting with you. When they begin to be a little too close or a little too cuddly, don't reciprocate. Reassert the boundary, that you just want to be friends, and take a step back.

  • 2
    I.e. maybe you are not being so non-flirtatious as you think? You could always ask a favor from someone trusted: to observe you in interaction and to give you their honest assessment. – can-ned_food Sep 13 '17 at 23:04
  • Yes, i suppose this is true, my actual girlfriend explained me that the way i give attention to a woman, even if i'm not interested, make her feel like i can be attracted. She told me too that i should try to approach without giving cuddles and attentions, to avoid any misunderstanding. PS: Upvoted your answer, i liked how you said your toughts in a direct way – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 23:14

I have problems with guys because they feel like children, they can only talk about sex, and things like that. Even if I try to talk about it with them, they can't do it in a serious or mature way.

OK, we have a diagnosis then: most likely you're way smarter than average.

You probably associate with women who are also smarter than average.

It is natural that they share your unflattering opinion about the other guys.

Following this logic, they will think you're a nice catch.

You can't really control other people's feelings, if she's attracted to you, then she's attracted to you, period. When you say you "just wanna be friends" what she will hear is "you're not good enough" so naturally she won't be in a good disposition after that.

Wrong solutions:

  • Tell her you're gay: This will only make you hotter. Or she will introduce you to some guys and you'll have to own it.
  • Act a bit like a jerk: If you overdo it, she'll think you're a jerk and leave. If you do it just right, she will view it as confidence and assertiveness and... this will make you hotter.
  • Act like a sick puppy who needs help: well, she might volunteer to help, bring you hot chicken soup and insist on spoon-feeding you.

The solutions to your problem are simple:

  • Less cuddling.

  • Find a girlfriend! You don't seem to have any trouble doing that... and if you want to be friends with a woman, make sure she knows you have a girlfriend first.

  • Or be friends with a woman who is outrageously out of your league. Or a lesbian. Or she has a boyfriend already.

  • Yes, i found a girlfriend and she really loves me, she told me too that i should try to be "colder" with girls, to avoid misunderstandings, but you know, i feel like an horrible person if i don't give cuddles or refuse them, i feel like i'm saying them that they are disgusting :\ – Marco Salerno Sep 13 '17 at 23:18
  • "Act a bit like a jerk: If you overdo it, she'll think you're a jerk and leave. If you do it just right, she will view it as confidence and assertiveness and... this will make you hotter." This will only work the way you describe with a specific type of women, and I'm not sure it is the type the OP hangs out with. – DarkPurpleShadow Sep 14 '17 at 8:37
  • 1
    @MarcoSalerno okay, you have a GF, you told them you have a GF, and they still make a move? Hmmm, weird... You should really reserve the cuddling for the GF and family... – bobflux Sep 14 '17 at 18:15
  • Not now that i have a girlfriend, i'm not trying anymore :\ – Marco Salerno Sep 14 '17 at 18:17

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.