How to deal with a religious relative who keeps assuming that I am similarly religious?

Question

_{I know a very similar question was asked only recently by @Bradley Wilson, and another similar question was asked by @Beofett over a week ago, but the specific situation and also the cultural context are very different here, so please don't close my question as a duplicate!
Note 2: The specific religion in question is not relevant because this situation occurs similarly in every religion here. I have added the India tag as a matter of course but feel this type of religious issue would be universal, so I welcome answers from members all over the world.}

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Now India has always been a very spiritual country and (not all but most) people of all faiths tend to be quite religious here. They also assume that others are similarly spiritual, even if they are members of other religions.

My distant relative who lives in the same city is such a person. He is 66 and a highly qualified Retired Professor of Commerce who happens to have become more religiously conscious over the years and 'feels the divine grace' all around him. That is very fine indeed but for the fact he assumes I feel similarly.

This is, of course, a typical assumption here, but it is a fact that I don't feel the divine grace all around me. I was given quite a religious upbringing but was always lukewarm towards religion and since I never felt the divine grace they talk about, I have never really been much of a believer, formally rejecting religion in private when I reached my mid-twenties. I am not against religious belief and might even believe in a 'higher power' myself if I later experience the divine grace conclusively, but I am not at all the type of firm believer he imagines me to be, at present.

Uncle has been visiting me once in a while and discusses 'spiritual matters.' He is luckily not much for religious rituals and suchlike, but talks to me with the implicit presumption that I too am spiritually inclined and feel the divine grace. He even sometimes asks me about my religious experiences. This puts me in a false position because I am trapped in having to choose between insincere agreement with him and explicit rejection of his ideas. I have uneasily agreed with him so far without much conviction.

The problem is that I can't tell him straight out that I don't really believe in his religion (into which I was born and of which I am a nominal member) or indeed in any other religion or divinity because he would be shocked and possibly tell other relatives and even mutual friends, which is inconvenient for me and culturally awkward in a predominantly religious society. I also don't want to discuss my lack of belief with Uncle or anybody else who might possibly make it their mission to bring me 'back onto the spiritual path.'

Please note that it wouldn't be a real liability for me to tell Uncle or anyone else that I am not their type of believer, and there are no serious social consequences to that nowadays in India, at least in my community, but I simply dislike the type of debate that will follow, demands for my reasons and possible efforts to make me a believer. So my real problem here is I don't want to be pushed into telling anybody that I lack religious belief. [Thanks to @deg who asked for this clarification.] That is why the 'direct' approach is not a genuine option. On the other hand, I feel uncomfortable with putting on a pretence of religiosity for the uncle's benefit, which also seems dishonest to my way of thinking.

So how to deal diplomatically with this person? My first tendency is to avoid him but that is hardly 'interpersonally intelligent', now is it! Please advise how to deal interactively and constructively with this situation.

Answer 1

This is very, very similar to an existing answer, except it is subtly different enough that I think it is worth mentioning.

First of all, you can always listen and nod to acknowledge that you're following without ever voicing your view. You should allow the conversation to keep going without your input as much as possible, and only worry about what to say when he actually expects you to say something.

So let's say he asks something and your response would be different based on your views.

If you respond with "I keep my religious views private", you implicitly go into a defensive mode, and potentially open yourself up to further inquisition as to what you exactly mean and why.

Instead, try something subtly different (especially note the word personal instead of private, and the substitution of "I keep religion private" with the idea that "I believe religion is a personal matter"):

Uncle—over the years, I've come to view religion as one of the most personal of all matters.
Unlike many others, I do not view religion as a community activity. To me, religion is a means for finding the right path and values in your own personal life, not a means for people to potentially influence each others' lives. To this end, I only discuss religious topics with others when I find the need for such guidance in my life, and otherwise, since I am also not a religious scholar qualified to give religious opinions of my own to others, it is not a topic that I otherwise feel appropriate to discuss in conversations, whether it is regarding my own views or those of others. I hope you can understand.

Notice that this sends quite a different message from saying that you want your views to be kept private, since the topic is no longer privacy, but rather what you believe is an appropriate topic to discuss with others in the first place.
With this kind of a response, you're getting across that you have thought about these issues, and that you believe religion itself is fundamentally a personal matter.

Answer 2

I living in rapidly changing society in terms of religious observance and practice, namely Ireland. I previously lived in London and Dublin, and have recently returned to (very) rural Ireland, a place where religion is still very important on a day to day level. I am very lapsed in any degree of observance, only attending on occasions of funerals, etc, where I'm not there for the religion.

When devout people meet me, neighbours, family friends and relations, they usually assume that I am nearly as devout as they are!

If they try to engage me on direct religious matters, I just say that I keep my religious views very private and refuse to comment further. It might seem a bit rude, but it certainly is better than lying or misleading them.

Would this approach be acceptable in your culture/society?

Answer 3

I can't speak to your exact example because of the different countries we live in, but my parents are also of Indian descent, and I am also atheist. I was born and raised in the US. I think I told my parents that I was atheist sometime in middle or early high school. My dad took a while to accept it, but he has.

I don't personally think it's worth trying to hide your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) from someone when the topic comes up. You shouldn't necessarily announce it to the world at every opportunity, but if someone asks, I'd just answer honestly. If they don't want to accept it, it's their problem. In my experience, the people who don't want to accept it just pretend not to know anyway.

Answer 4

Why does he visit you?

If you understand why he does what he does, you can think of ways to give him what he requires while making him let you off.

1. He may realize you fake the belief and want to "strengthen you"
2. He may be lonely (perhaps also because he annoyed others and they avoid him)
3. Perhaps someone else in the family set him off (watch English Student, I think he may be undergoing crisis of faith, help him with your experience Uncle)
4. Perhaps he believes you to be his spiritual successor?

And others. Depending on what is he after AND WHAT YOU WANT out of that situation, you will have to choose your strategy.

Strategies

The already suggested one - honesty. Means the path of drama and conflict and you perhaps fighting for your beliefs or for your right to separate from beliefs of your community. Which you don't like that much else you would have accepted those answers that opt for that path.

Be the bigger zealot.

Come up with rituals, questions, problems and others he will not like and talk to him like "it's true faith only if you walk the path of fire" or whatever else that ups the game. Does he dislike waking up early? But that's when you should pray the most! Does he like wine? But it's good only for heathens! And so on. Make it inconvenient for him to talk with you about faith. This always looks great in comedies, right? There are problems though. One: you are essentially lying (some will understand white lie, some will say you played him for a fool, some will say he got what he deserved for intruding too much, some will say you dared toy with older Uncle who only meant what's good for you). Two: your reputation. You are bluffing your way out this way, but you need to be able to pick up the ante. If you say "we should not drink wine this offends God" and he agrees... you can't drink wine where he sees. So pick your way of showing piety/zealotry carefully.

I am not ready

You mentioned that what makes you uncomfortable is when he asks for your experiences. Say you are not ready to discuss this. Express your discomfort, the fact you have no good words, that you can't talk about it as well as he can. This will be also a way to find out if he's visiting you for your or his own sake. If he will quickly accept this and go on about himself, he cares about somebody who would listen to his preaching. Or who would make him less lonely. If he will try to get your answer and encourage you to talk or to offer support to help you, he is seeing you as someone who needs his help.

Redirect him

Mention to elders in your family that Uncle is lonely and that you cannot properly manage the situation ("I'm too young" may work wonders here). Say that a woman is needed. Perhaps someone will want to play the matchmaker?

Let Uncle know that you feel he would be a great volunteer in a local hospital or that some university is struggling for they don't have folks who would teach XYZ which he is good at. Perhaps help arrange someone else mention that for him. Find him something that will occupy him, ranging from a chess partner, scientific study, research material, puzzle down to someone else in the family (or in the neighbourhood) who may need him more (or even a woman).

Find a mediator

Talk to someone in the family (or in your circles) who would be able to get him to stop or at least slow down. Tell them he is pressing you too much or that it is disruptive... get them to intervene. Perhaps his senior colleague from work? Or his great-aunt or your grand-mother? There certainly are some people whom he respects and to whom he would lend his ear if they were to say "if you pester English Student too much this is not good".

Avoid him

Obvious, but may be tiring and if he's persistent - ineffective. Also, if he calls you in advance and asks you to find some time for him and social contract makes you the bad guy if you don't then this may not work, but...

Cut down on your free time. Find activities where you are required and essential. Activities that he (and others) can't fault you for.

Answer 5

This is an issue for me as well. I am Buddhist and live nowhere near anyone else that I am aware is Buddhist. The area I live is predominantly Christian and my own family is devout (large family on both sides and most are local). I haven't found a good answer. In my case any level of honesty generally gets only two reactions. One is to try to save me and "bring me back into the fold" which I don't want to have happening. The other is to assume it's a phase, like some current fashion. Once in a rare while someone will respond like they are afraid to have me around their impressionable children because I might pull them away from "the church" with my crazy beliefs.

The one time I managed an open talk to my mother she basically told me I was condemning her to hell "if I did this" because it means she failed me as a mother to bring me up "right". Needless to say, I have no need to have that talk ever again in my life. Mind you, when we talked, I was over 30 and hadn't lived in her home or relied on my parents in over a decade. She wasn't cruel in the way she said it. She was sad. She believes this is true. It makes me sad she believes my beliefs are tied into her afterlife.

I don't have a poetic answer that will cover every occasion. I defer to staying quiet about it, trying to change subjects if that seems possible. If I am cornered I simply say things that deflect, like if they told me of some time they were touched by the "Holy Spirit" and then want some testimony from me, I simply say that I am sorry that I haven't been so lucky as to have any impressive story to share like that. With people I am less close to, I still avoid this. I have learned that it is not well accepted here.

If I get to know someone well, I will share it. I have relatives that do know, but only a few. They also are wise enough to know that they shouldn't randomly discuss it. I wouldn't ask them to lie for me, but I do prefer they not offer that information up to others if not directly asked. It's been about 15 years since I became Buddhist and over time it's become more natural for me and I navigate the conversations easier while avoiding saying anything that is likely to cause discomfort by being too open.

My spouse is atheist. We tell no one, ever. It's like hanging a target on yourself here. If you live in a highly religious area that has a predominant religion it's hard. It's hard too even if the area isn't so much, but your family is (assuming you are close and see them often). I still attend church sometimes, but for special things. I will go with my mother for special days. It doesn't bother me to attend and she uses that I think to tell herself I am still a "believer". I am not looking to cause her any strife and I can live my life the way I would anyway, I just don't talk about it. For me, this is very livable. Others I know feel the need to be more open and share what they believe. I am not wired this way. I wasn't ever.

So the TL;DR is that if it doesn't bother you to keep that private, there is no reason you have to share that about yourself. You can usually deflect, ask them more about themselves and get off the hook of having to talk. My biggest obstacle is when people ask to "pray with me". I hate that but I am not sure how to get out of it. If asked to say anything I get out of it by saying I am not good with wording on vocalized prayer, they should do it.

Answer 6

Your problem is not Uncle. Your problem is YOU. You are what we call in North America "a pushover". Whenever somebody pushes you just go along with it. Are you going to stand up for yourself and be your own person or are you going to let other people, Uncle for example, control you and tell you what you will talk about and how you will talk about it?

In some of your posts you have said things similar to "that is something we just do not do in India". Well, maybe it's time you change that. Next time Uncle attempts to engage you in religious conversation tell him you are not religious and do not wish to engage in such conversation. The exact words you choose are irrelevant. What IS relevant is that you tell him and, even more important, that if he refuses to comply you DO NOT simply give in. If he refuses to drop the subject then you must tell him that if he persists then there will be no further discussion on ANY topic. If you are in his home then you leave. If he is in your home then you demand that he leave and if he refuses then you call the police. I believe in respecting my elders but there are limits. I do not allow them to drag me into conversations I do not want to be involved it. NO EXCEPTIONS! That's the rule and if they don't like it then that's their problem, not mine.

If you don't want to tell him directly then listen to what he has to say and when he asks a question or indicates that it's your turn to speak then you simply say something that has nothing to do with his question, like... "So tell me, dear Uncle, what do you think of the price of potatoes in Moscow?" or "How do you like my shirt?" or "I think I will buy a pet bird tomorrow" and then you casually take a bit from a sandwich or nonchalantly drop a candy in your mouth. Or you just stare at him and say nothing. Whatever you do, do not follow his direction until he moves away from the topic of religion.

Answer 7

Why can't you take spiritual matters as subjects? It would be fun when you will try to question him some ontological, metaphysical, epistemological etc question or give his beliefs to philosophical or intellectual dimensions. By doing this, either you will depress him through dry philosophies enough not to initiate spiritual talks or you will start enjoying the matter not as believer but as intellectual entertainment.