9

I'm having problems figuring out how to move forward with a girl I like.

About me

I'm in my mid 20's, about low to average in appearance and style, heavy thinker, introverted, and shy person. I find it hard to understand social interactions in events such as my parties/birthdays. Since I recognized this as a problem (about 6 months ago), I've wanted to change myself. I started going out more to clubs and pubs, trying to engage in conversations with people that I don't know that well and I think it's helping me in being less shy.

Context

In the group of people that I go out with (almost every weekend), there is a girl that I like. I try my best to talk to her since I'm really interested in a relationship with this person.

She is a Korean exchange student here in the US and I'm from the US. (I'll explain about this later in my post)

I asked her out and she agreed. We've gone to the mall, walked in the park, and we've gone to a restaurant. We talked a lot but nothing happened during the day or after leaving her at her house.

Problems

  1. Since I'm still working on my social skills I can't quite grasp a lot of things; like if she is showing me signs or hints of wanting me to make a move on her.
  2. I can't speak Korean at all. She speaks to me in English, but some phrases are really confusing and wrong, so the language barrier is somewhat present.
  3. There is a clear cultural difference.
  4. I tried to change my behavior, but the way I think is that it needs to be slow and natural. Otherwise, it would seem artificial and unnatural. But I think timing is crucial as well. I don't want to take it too fast but if I took my sweet time, it might have its repercussions as well.

When I talk to her(which I do frequently), I usually can't differentiate the cultural gap from not wanting to refuse an offer directly. So I continue to invite her because I don't take her texts to mean a "no", however closely or how many ever times I read them.

I asked some of my close friends about the situation. They said it was a trivial matter and suggested I "just make a move" or "say what I really feel". I completely understand their advice and I agree, but I can't. It almost feels like I know what to do, but end up not doing anything out of fear and I end up getting frustrated because of me and my actions.

Any observations are welcome and I'm open to them, being critical to the situation or me as a person.

Thanks.

  • 2
    To my own experience, Korean people (at least the ones I've met and/or became friend with) are quiet and it takes time to begin a relationship with them, whatever the nature of it. I mean, I'm not sure you need to "change your behavior". – avazula Sep 19 '17 at 14:33
  • @avazula, thanks for your comment, I will keep that in mind. I was trying to change my behavior before knowing this group. I just felt that the way that I was living wasn't anything near of what I would want for me. – JohnB Sep 19 '17 at 15:29
  • 1
    It might also make a difference whether you and this girl are currently in Korea or in the USA or somewhere else, regarding the general cultural expectations about how to approach starting a relationship. You need to specify your current location to get better answers and also add that country's tag in this question, if it's not Korea. – English Student Sep 19 '17 at 16:50
  • 2
    "I asked her out and she agreed, we've gone to the mall, walked in the park and then we've gone to a restaurant. We talked a lot but nothing happened during the day or leaving her at her house." Did you expect more from your first date? – Anne Daunted Sep 19 '17 at 16:59
  • 1
    Good thing you edited to mention 'exchange student in US' @JohnB, which greatly clarifies the social context. If you want you can remove the 'introvert' or 'shyness' tag (you don't need both) and replace with the relevant USA tag because this specific interpersonal situation is taking place in the USA. – English Student Sep 19 '17 at 18:00
4

You have got to make a move.

I know its hard because you're nervous and unsure of yourself. You're probably stuck inside your head the whole time analyzing your conversation and interactions with her and it fills you up with a lot of anxiety about what to do next. What you need to focus on is the fact that she said yes to going out with you in the first place. That should give you all the confidence that you need. She wouldn't go out with you unless she had some interest in you. You're pretty much half way there.

All you have to do now is assure her that you're really interested in her because if not, then she may end up losing interest in you if you take too long to show her that you're "physically" attracted to her. You don't want to run the risk of taking too long and confusing her into thinking that you just want to be friends. Obviously you don't, so now it's your job to show her.

I'll say it again, she said "yes"! The girl likes you, so make sure she knows you like her back and not just in a friendship kind of way. I am not saying you have to be some handsy jerk that is rude and inappropriate, but you have to be able to at least get to first base at the end of the night.

  • 3
    I'm not really sure this answer takes into account the cultural differences. If you don't think that's important, feel free to mention it in your answer but it's helpful to at least mention it. – Catija Sep 19 '17 at 22:03
  • 1
    "I know its hard because you're nervous and unsure of yourself. You're probably stuck inside your head the whole time analyzing your conversation and interactions with her and it fills you up with a lot of anxiety about what to do next" I think you got that 200% right about me. As Catija said, your answer doesn't take into account the actual cultural difference, but I believe that my problem itself is based on 2 parts: me + cultural diferences. Thanks for the great advice. – JohnB Sep 20 '17 at 11:15
  • 1
    You sound like a respectful guy, so I don't think cultural differences are anything you really need to worry too much about when it comes to dating. As long as you're respectful you should be fine. Especially since you've already gone out with her previously. You probably won't have to worry about culture until you start thinking about marriage. – Scott Kaiser Sep 20 '17 at 16:41
  • I'm marking this as my answer because I really related/liked to the way @DJSK approached and gave a solution and a way of thinking that I didn't had before. I still haven't had much opinions here about the cultural diference, but from what I saw online, it is just like avazula said in other comment. Thanks – JohnB Sep 21 '17 at 11:41
2

People always say it's the girl that friendzones a guy, but in reality, they friendzone themselves.

Guys have a tendency to not know how to react, go on a date, dont do anything, the girl doesnt feel a connection and then says she would "rather be friends"

you have to get out of that loop. Im a firm believer of "fake it till you make it". Which in this case means fake your confidence. Lets look at some of the facts, shes an exchange student living in an unfamiliar country, with a different culture, and a different launguage. She probably isnt going to be too confident herself. However she made the brave decision on going on a date with an american guy..and discovered shes not sure if he's interested and it was a bit awkward with the language barrier. She too might to start thinking that maybe you should be friends.

In order to get out of this you have to be confident. She needs someone confident, not someone like her. You need to be a little bit more forward. Not too much!! This will scare women away. But start letting her know you have a romantic interest, not a friendship interest. Start acting like a guy who wants to date her, not a guy who wants to be her friend. Women in Korea are after strong, independent gentlemen. So that's what you should start doing.

Be courteous, polite, have an interest in what she is doing with her life/studies/work/family etc. And at the end of the date tell her how you felt such as you enjoyed your time, it was with great company, maybe give her a compliment. And ask to see her again. But at the end of the day, you gatta be the one to do it

Your Answer

By clicking “Post Your Answer”, you agree to our terms of service, privacy policy and cookie policy

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.