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Yesterday I wanted to meet my girlfriend in the evening but after taking a shower I was sort of lazy and decided to spend the evening reading instead of going out in the cold. We did not have a proper date or anything special planned but just wanted to meet casually. It takes me approximately 40 minutes to get to her place using public transportation.

Today I found out that she was angry at me for being honest in telling her that I was to lazy to get out of bed and making the way. She thinks laziness is not an excuse for cancelling the "date" and was even more shocked about my honesty about it. Her point is also that our relationship is rather fresh (we started 3 months ago).

Is it really that strange? For me laziness/tiredness/unwillingness sounds perfectly reasonable and being honest about it as well.

closed as primarily opinion-based by anongoodnurse, Rory Alsop, user3114, A J, Monica Cellio Oct 4 '17 at 2:02

Many good questions generate some degree of opinion based on expert experience, but answers to this question will tend to be almost entirely based on opinions, rather than facts, references, or specific expertise. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Very related: interpersonal.stackexchange.com/questions/4275/… What is your goal here? "Is it that strange" will just get opinions - are you looking for a way to apologize, or make her less upset, or a better way to decline in the future? – Em C Oct 3 '17 at 20:58
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    What did you actually say when you cancelled? "I am really tired tonight, can we postpone?" would inspire a very different reaction from "I'm not coming, I'm lazy and don't want to see you tonight after all". – Em C Oct 3 '17 at 21:32
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    This post is being discussed on meta: interpersonal.meta.stackexchange.com/questions/1843/… – apaul Oct 4 '17 at 2:25
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    I don't know what you want us to tell you. You already have your answer - she was mad at you. Different people will respond differently to this, there is no one answer that will apply to everyone. – Catija Oct 4 '17 at 3:11
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    Hi, Juli. There are a few things you can edit into your question that would make it answerable, and would probably get it reopened: 1) What are you trying to accomplish? In other words, what is your specific goal you need help with? 2) Can you give some more background on your relationship, if you think it's needed? Certain personal details (e.g. general age range) could also be useful. 3) What culture is this taking place in? Interpersonal situations are often strongly culturally-dependent. – HDE 226868 Oct 4 '17 at 4:25
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Most people associate "wants to spend time with me" as "cares for and values my company".

Saying

Let's cancel, I'm too lazy to get out of bed

sounds like

I don't care enough about you to get out of bed

or

I know we had plans, but I can't be bothered

Most people would cover it with a white lie so it sounds better, which is probably why she mentioned that. Is it bad to be honest? No - now she knows where she stands.

I am not surprised she is shocked, especially as you are in such a new relationship. Typically couples are still in the "honeymoon" stage of being excited to spend lots of time together, and still learning about each other's relationship styles. Now she may be wondering, "if he isn't motivated to hang out with me when we had plans, does he even care about me? if he doesn't care that much about seeing me, what future does this relationship have? if he's already so settled that he won't get out of bed, why should I be putting in effort?" Or she might be thinking something else!

The bottom line is, you need to find out why she is so upset and resolve it. Relationships are not about who is right or wrong. You cannot go to her and say "ha! the internet said you shouldn't feel this way!". For a relationship to work, you need to understand her point of view and find some solution that you are both okay with.

Personal experience: I've been on the receiving end of such behavior from a boyfriend. He said he would come to lunch with my family, but the day of told me he was too lazy. I was very upset. He might as well have said "Yeah, I know this is important to you, but I don't actually care" - in fact, that's almost verbatim what he said when I asked him about it afterwards. Yes, he was honest, but that didn't fix the problem. (We broke up a month afterwards - this was an indicator of why.)

Now, family plans are perhaps more significant than hanging out, but the same principle applies. When you're earlier in a relationship, you aren't as secure, so something that might be less of a problem later in a stable, long-term relationship will still cause big problems now.

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Depends on the context. Did you consent to go out to before the shower? Where you the one that proposed to go out?

Being in a relationship is about compromise. Failing to do something that you compromised to do will get you into a lot of problems later on. So if you compromised and then backtracked without a valid reason, like being lazy, then the answer is No, you can't do that.

Now as I said is all about the context. Did she ask you to go out and you where feeling tired and you tried to go out with her but in the end your body gave up on you then yes, feeling tired is valid reason.

Please notice that being lazy and feeling tired are two different things. Laziness implies that other stuff are not as important to you as resting or using your time for yourself. Feeling tired means that your body lacks the energy to perform tasks.

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