How can I help someone over the loss of their dog?

Question

I have a sad situation with my girlfriend; however, I think a bit of context is needed to know for better understanding.

We have been together for 3 months now and I am actually her first real serious relationship (she's 20 and I'm 21).

By “serious” I mean that we both want something real and for the future. That we love each other
(I know I know... Please don't bother commenting how that is too soon for the word *love*. Just trust me on this one).

Because this is her first time (only had one relation before and he cheated on her) it took her some time to get used to that intimacy in public and she was also a little bit scared to let me close in the beginning (emotionally and before we were in the relationship) but that is past now. I think this is important to know for what follows now.

Her beloved dog is getting put to sleep today...The dog had a real happy life and was such a sweetheart. Even I really fell for him really fast.

I know that everybody deals with these things differently and reacts differently... I just want to help her to get through this time. I can tell how hard this is for her. I was at her place yesterday and she really held back crying and tried to hide that fact to me. I don't mind that though. That's her decision and right, I don't wanna pressure myself onto her and so I decided to leave and let her have the last day on her own with the family and the dog.

I told her that I am always there for her and no matter what time she calls me, even in the middle of the night, I will directly drive to her if needed and skip work or arrange with my boss to be at work later. I also said that I would be there to just listen, or talk, or just hold her if that is what she needs and she really just needs to say it, otherwise I decided to give her some space and message her less the next few days (didn't tell her that though). To let her decide if she feels like talking/messaging and let her take all her time she needs to say goodbye and to process it.

However, we originally planned to do something cute/nice on Thursday and Friday. I wrapped my whole head around what I could plan for these days to maybe distract her and make those days just for her. I know what she likes generally and would directly know what to plan if not in these circumstances but right now I don't know what to do. To cancel the days, or plan something and if what to plan because of the events...

How can I help her deal with losing her pet? I never had to deal with such a situation since I was alone for the most time in my life (relationship-wise) and only had to deal with the loss of loved ones myself but never had to help someone close to me with such a situation. What can I do if I want to distract her on Thursday/Friday?

Answer 1

Pet owners often have a very close emotional relationship with their pet. There might be people for whom it's "just a dog". But there are also people on which the loss of a beloved pet has almost as much emotional impact as the loss of a human family member. So it should be treated in a similar way.

Here is some advise from Caitlin Doughty, who comforts griefing people for a living. Ask a Mortician: Grief Talk. The video focuses on a far more serious situation (losing a baby), but can be applied to any grief situation. Her advise in a nutshell:

Bad things you should not say:

• Just say nothing at all and try to distract them. They are constantly thinking about it anyway. It doesn't work.
• Sympathize with them by bringing up an own loss you experienced to prove that you can relate to their situation. No, you can't relate. Everybody experiences grief in their own way. Also, you are now making this about yourself.
• Tell them to cheer up and look at the bright side of life. It just puts them under pressure to get over their grief quickly. They will feel like they need to suppress their emotions and put on a fake smile in order to fit into society. Now they don't just feel bad about their loss, you also made them feel bad for feeling bad.
• Try to give them any other advise about how to cope with their grief. Your advise is not useful, because everyone needs to find their own way to grief.

What you should say instead:

Ask the person how they are holding up. It gives the other person the opportunity to share what they are comfortable sharing, but doesn't pressure them. They can just answer "I am holding up fine" or they can use the opportunity to tell you everything. It shows the griefing person that you are available to them, but gives them the power to control when, what and how much of their feelings they want to share with you.

However, we originally planned to do something cute/nice on Thursday and Friday. I wrapped my whole head around what I could plan for these days to maybe distract her and make those days just for her.

Don't! Ask her what she wants to do. Maybe she wants to be distracted by doing something entertaining, but maybe she just wants to sit on the couch and mope. Maybe she wants you to be with her, maybe she wants to be alone or maybe she needs to be with some other person who is closer to her than you are (I know that it hurts you when anyone is emotionally closer to the person you love than you are, but if you are genuinely interested in her benefit over your own, you need to accept that and take a step back. This is not the time for jealousy). You might know what she likes to do generally, but this isn't a general situation. Only she knows what she wants to do right now. If you pressure her into doing something that doesn't feel right for her, she won't enjoy it and that means you won't enjoy it either. So if you guess wrong about what she needs right now, you will have a bad time.

Answer 2

I've been through this myself, with my own dogs (twice) and my former sister-in-law (SIL)'s dogs. I was the one who accompanied her and offered support. It's tough for both.

Give her time and love: be there, support her, say nothing if she remains silent, talk if she wants to.

Beside that, if she's willing to be nice and caring and loving to another dog in the future, you can offer her to adopt another dog. Many shelters, in many countries, let you adopt a pet.

At this time, it might be too early, as the pain and sorrow are awfully overwhelming. Only you know, and if not, she'll let you know later if she's ready or not.

But you can always tell her how great her dog was, and that she'll be able to give and receive a lot of love from another one when the time for it has come...

I did this for myself, and rescued the oldest and much shier dog from the shelter, as I always do. And so did my SIL after a couple of weeks. You never forget your old pal, but making another poor one happy is a relief for both of you, the dog and the human being.

Answer 3

There is only a real answer for your girlfriend's loss: time. After you lose someone you love it's really hard to get through and your job here is to help her, since you want to be a real boyfriend and possibly something more in the future.

The best answer I can give you is do your best: provide her a good time, let her know that she can count on you for the better and for the worse.

You should not cancel those fun days. She needs distractions. How would you feel doing nothing at home when you lost someone you loved? Take her out. Have some fun.

My condolences and best of luck to you.

Answer 4

I hesitate to provide this as an answer, but it's worked well for me on two occasions.

When people die we tend to have funerals and memorials, but pets usually go without such formalities.

A nice memorial can be a great gift for someone who has had such a loss. It acts as a keepsake and a item of remembrance, and its more "official" than a simple photograph. I found mine on Etsy, but there are other companies that make laser engraved pet (or person) memorial stones. They are typically a black granite tile that has a photo of the pet and a name, date, phrase whatever laser etched/engraved on the stone. The etching is permanent and is suitable for indoors or out.

The people that I gave them to both really loved the stones, and they keep them prominently displayed.

Note that I think this is particularly meaningful for cultures that would typically have a burial with a gravestone, so adjust this advice as culturally necessary.

Answer 5

It's a lot easier than you think. Your girlfriend is sad about the loss of her dog. What she needs and wants is someone who she can talk to, who listens when she says how sad she is about the less, who understands how she feels, who is just there for her.

That's it.

What she doesn't want from you is any solution to her problem, any help to get over it. She doesn't want a new dog (at least not right now), she just wants you to be there for her when she needs someone.