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I am a grown up man finished masters about to get married. My parents never went to school. I love them very much. They have given me and my sister enough care and love in upbringing us. As a person my father is chill type. He has some core level issues with his in-laws. They don't respect him much. Whenever he faces an insult from them at any family functions, he will drink heavily on the way home and discharges all the frustration on the soft-target: my mother. She doesn't like it for obvious reasons and in addition she backs her brothers all the time. I or my sister usually bring the situation to a standstill without any long term solutions fearing any extremes and considering my parents' raw emotions. And also mother has been prohibited from visiting her brothers by who-else, but she demands it. What could possibly be a long term solution for this situation??

closed as too broad by anongoodnurse, Tinkeringbell, NVZ, curiousdannii, A J Nov 5 '17 at 5:31

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  • How is the relationship between your parents? If your mother sides with her brothers when they insult her husband, and she wants to visit them when your father doesn't want her to, the first long term solution to pop to my mind is "divorce". – Erik Nov 4 '17 at 8:00
  • Knowing more about your culture might be important in answering your question. – Tycho's Nose Nov 4 '17 at 10:49
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I am a grown up man finished masters about to get married.

First thought : your priority now should be maintaining and building your own relationship with your intended. Baring major emergencies where other people need you, that's how it should be.

My parents never went to school. I love them very much. They have given me and my sister enough care and love in upbringing us.

"Enough" is relative, but you seem OK about this so no issue.

As a person my father is chill type. He has some core level issues with his in-laws. They don't respect him much. Whenever he faces an insult from them at any family functions, he will drink heavily on the way home and discharges all the frustration on the soft-target: my mother. She doesn't like it for obvious reasons and in addition she backs her brothers all the time.

This is their relationship, not so much yours. I am sure it has affected you both, but you almost certainly cannot change or fix these things now.

I or my sister usually bring the situation to a standstill without any long term solutions fearing any extremes and considering my parents' raw emotions. And also mother has been prohibited from visiting her brothers by who-else, but she demands it.

Sounds nasty.

What could possibly be a long term solution for this situation??

You and your intended get married. Hopefully you have a family of your own. You raise them to be decent people.

Your parents and their relationships are something you should not try and fix.

They have a long history and you will almost certainly not understand or know the whole story.

Long term at most you should perhaps :

  • try and discourage you father from drinking (sounds like a problem).
  • support both of them emotionally and without favoring one or the other
  • simply try to act as a peace maker
  • but not at the expense of your own relationship.

Do not drag your parent's difficulties into your relationship. Don't say to your future spouse "do something to help me fix this", because you will put them into the position of being involved in things that have a complex history they are not aware of. Maybe they will pick sides - people do : avoid this potential problem.

Your cultural background is not specified, but I think this advice is good for any culture. I'm aware that in some cultures extended families have more significance than in other cultures, but you are now embarking on your life with your spouse-to-be and you need to break with the past, not be sucked in by it.

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Minimize group interactions of your parents with your mother's side relatives.

I'm assuming you're from India but this may apply nevertheless.

It's a complex issue and I don't see a complete "solution". However, the way you have presented the problem, it seems to be triggered by your father's interactions with his in-laws. If among the 4 of you, generally, things are peaceful, then those external interactions have to be reduced.

If those events to be attended can be skipped by your father and either you or your sister could also stay back to give company to father, while the other one accompanies your mother, there will be lesser chances for unhealthy interactions. Similarly, your mom could stay away from some interactions with trouble making relatives if it's more important for your father to attend.

If it's found that an explanation is needed for your father's absence, an excuse can be made, e.g. "dad had a fever and sister is looking after him" or "dad would be late from work and brother has some work at home" etc.

As a grown up man and a responsible son, you have to use your clout to convince your parents for this kind of an arrangement which sounds awkward but is really workable. And much more feasible than considering separation. I am sure that if you feel enough ownership to post this question, you will be able to convince them.

Try to vigorously paint "others" as responsible for non-peace in your family and try to be neutral or equally critical for in-laws of both parents. That will help in stopping a blame game back home.

"Letting individuals meet and interact with anyone but not forcing anyone to attend any family event" can be your maxim.

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