Usually, when I am by myself, I am a very calm and peaceful person. I can easily just be where I am and enjoy what is happening, maybe the sun shining, the air being especially clear or my room just being cozy. I can easily be content while being with my thoughts and I have found a lot of ways to relieve boredom by now.
But I have noticed that I am nothing like that when I am around people. And it doesn't matter if they are strangers or friends or even my parents. I am fundamentally more conscious of myself and all of my thought is pointed on the interaction between me and those people. I frequently play through various tiny scenarios in my head to decide how to approach the next conversation or what I am going to say next. But of course, as soon as something unexpected happens, my plan does not apply very well anymore and often what I say or how or when I say it turns out awkward or even kind of rude. Or just plain embarassing.
This is always different depending on the people I am with. When I am with strangers (on the bus or at a restaurant) it is easy for me to zone out because there is not really any interaction. Even when I have to ask a stranger about anything I don't hesitate too much because I know exactly what I have to say.
What I am having trouble with is people at my own age. I am 19 years old and I have always been a rather reserved person, but lately I can't even enjoy myself anymore when going out with friends or when I am having friends over or anything. Even with friends I have known for years I am always nervous and extremely conscious of what I do or say. When I am showing my friends a song or a movie or anything it feels like that thing is taking forever and I don´t even like what I have been so enthusiastic about anymore. Often, when I spend more that 2 days with the same people, I end up with a headache because I can never relax.
This is extremely frustrating for me and I am losing contact to most of my friends because of this now, because I simply can't socialize with them. I would like to simply be the way I am when I am alone, when I am relaxed, free thinking and creative. But I have not found a way to do this yet.
I have tried to at least stay with the group and listen what the others are talking about but this was only more frustrating because most of the time they would talk or even fight about irrelevant nonsense. This caused me to go into "isolation mode" where I would not listen anymore and simply sink in depressive thoughts about how I can not relate.
The worst part is probably, that I have avoided a lot of activities that require people to connect and work/talk with each other, which is why my hobbies are few and best done alone(programming, drawing, listening to my style of music, but mostly programming) by now.
So I think what I am looking for is a way to find interest in things that you can do with friends, while having to deal with this anxiety towards people. I would like to connect with people again, but I can never manage to act like myself when interacting with them. I am constantly hung up in "meta-thoughts" about what I should do, how I am doing or why I am doing it like this.