I have an old friend who recently came out as transgender. We have a very healthy relationship in general, but I often find myself wondering if I should mention his past (before he came out) and, if I do bring it up, if I should refer to him by masculine or feminine pronouns.

My question is: Is it OK to mention a transgender person's past in any conversation altogether and what pronouns should I use if and when talking about it?

Additional details:

  • He is a trans man
  • He seems to have no problem in seeing pictures or videos of him before coming out.
  • The culture is Brazilian and I'd dare saying we are both very liberal/chill people.
  • 78
    I've deleted two comments already that insulted the OP's friend for being transgender, and I will continue to delete any further ones that are irrelevent and/or offensive. Saying that a transgender person has a psychological problem because of their identity violates the site's Be Nice policy.
    – HDE 226868
    Nov 8, 2017 at 19:35

4 Answers 4


As a general rule, it's better to ask the individual person how they want to be referred to, whether it be past or present.

That said, in my experience it's common and usually appreciated when you use their current pronouns. Many trans folks think of themselves in those terms, because they knew they wanted to transition and identify long before they were ready to come out.

As for bringing up the past, this is really a personal preference thing. Some people are intensely uncomfortable about it and some are just fine, like pretty much anyone who had a difficult or troubling past.

In both cases individual results will vary, so just talk to your friend like they're your friend and ask, just be gentle about it.

  • 3
    Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. - I know this is an old answer, but the comments were flagged and there seemed to be some valuable discussion in there :)
    – Em C
    Oct 9, 2019 at 16:50

If it's a good friend, ask. Your friend will tell you. It won't be awkward unless you make it so. Most Transgender people will make their preferences plain.

Just be prepared for an emotional dump. Even in more accepting societies, the life of someone who is TG is difficult as they often are dealing with many issues and very difficult histories.

Your friend may want to tell you little, much, or nothing. Since you're going to be talking directly with the person, the only pronoun you will be using is "you", so that may not come up for some time. You can observe what your friend's friends use when using 3rd person pronouns and take the cue from that.

Whether your friend wants to talk about the life prior to coming out is up to your friend. You could gently probe by reminiscing over a good time in the past with "Hey, remember when we..." and see how your friend reacts. Then ask "Hey, does it make you uncomfortable when I talk about...?"

Even though your friend may seem "chill" as you put it, it's a difficult time and just being there as a friend likely helps more than you realize.


Most transgender people prefer that you use their current pronouns even when discussing their past. If you don't know somebody's wishes and can't find out, this is a good default.

Important exception: never "out" a person as transgender without their permission. This can make them a target for violence and discrimination. Normally this is all the more reason to stick with their current pronouns, but sometimes situations arise where it's better to use their old pronouns.

As an example of how it can get complicated, one of my friends ("Bob") is a trans man (FtM). Shortly after he decided to transition, he took a job in a conservative workplace. All his academic transcripts etc. were still in his old name, which is recognisably female, and he didn't want his employer knowing he was transgender - so at work he had to present as female and go by the old name ("Kate").

Most transgender people are okay with talking about their past pre-transition as long as it's not going to out them. If you've been friends for years, you don't have to erase all that from history! Some people may have specific things they don't want to discuss, especially if they've had bad experiences, but it's not a blanket rule.

In this case, because he's your friend, it is absolutely fine to ask "how would you like me to handle these issues?" and he will probably appreciate you making the effort to find out his preferences.


Let's take a concrete example. You might tell me something about your friend, like "at the age of twelve, he was the captain of the girls netball team" or "at the age of twelve, she was the captain of the girls netball team".

First, should you tell this at all? Depends on your friend, you have to ask him. Is he Ok with you telling about the past in a female body, or does he want to forget all about it? Different people will see this differently.

Second, should you use "he" or "she"? Although the first variant sounds strange, I think "he" is correct. At the age of twelve, he was a "he", even though nobody knew it at the time. Someone who was more deeply involved with the person at the time might say "she", like "I was member of the girls netball team and she was the captain", perfectly acceptable if your friend is comfortable with that past at all.

PS. Don’t modify things or leave details out. In the netball team example, you can either tell me he was captain of the girls netball team or you say nothing at all. Otherwise you start with half truths and proceed with lies. There’s nothing wrong with being transgender, there’s no need to hide it unless that person doesn’t want to tell about their past at all. Tell the truth or say nothing, but don’t mislead. And misleading by intentionally leaving out details is lying.

  • 1
    Some of this issue can be avoided by removing some gender clarifications: in your example, there is no need to mention that the netball team was a girls' team. If you tell the story that "at age 12, he was the captain of the netball team", you did not tell a lie at all, and you let those listening to conclude for themselves whether they assume it to be a guys' team, know it was the girls' team, or not care at all
    – ThisIsMe
    Oct 10, 2019 at 7:15
  • In that case, some young man who doesn’t realise at all who your friend is, might say “you are talking nonsense, I was captain of the netball team”. And then things become very awkward without any need for it. Worst if you are not there to clear this up and are seen as a liar. That’s what you get through half truths.
    – gnasher729
    May 13, 2023 at 18:28

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