6

I was wrong to a person via instant messaging. She blocked me on social media.

Two months have gone by, I've done some soul searching, and I miss talking to her.

I have her phone number. I could call, but I feel like the block is a boundary saying that I should stay away.

I live in the United States

Is getting into contact with her appropriate?

  • Can you add location data to be more specific? Where are you from? Also, how old are you now? – Abhigyan Chattopadhyay Nov 11 '17 at 2:23
  • @AbhigyanChattopadhyay added, uss – Carl Nov 11 '17 at 2:24
6

I think that wanting to reconnect is appropriate, but you have to give your friend the space to refuse your overtures if she wishes. Texting or email are therefore preferable to calling, because she can easily refuse to acknowledge the contact. It gives her control over the communication.

If you do contact her (whatever the method), the two most important points for you to make are that you recognize that you were wrong to treat her the way you did, and what you are doing to avoid treating anyone that way again.

5

An apology is a good thing. I think a lot of people really don't think of how to do one, however. For the sake of other readers here, I'll outline the process.

  1. Approach this with humility.
  2. Say "I did this. I was wrong"
  3. Acknowledge that you and your actions have hurt the person.
  4. Say "I'm sorry" and mean it.
  5. Allow the person to respond and if they don't within a few seconds, graciously walk away. They may need time to process your apology. Adding "Thanks for hearing me out" (and meaning it) may be appropriate.

DO NOT explain why you did what you did. DO NOT say "I'm sorry you..." or apologize for them. DO NOT lay responsibility on any other person, circumstance, place, thing, mystical being, whatever. You did it, now own up to it like an adult.

You don't need to beat yourself up or do anything foolish but you do need to be sincere. Doing this in person is harder but it's also more personal and more effective than via e-mail, text, letter, etc.

  • 1
    Firstly, I really appreciate your answer and +1 for a clear and concise one. However, I'd like to ask you one thing. Although your and my answer have similar points, yours is indeed a much better one to read and understand, and mine has too much of a backstory, or experiences. Is it better to write concise answers skipping out on the experience part sometimes? – Abhigyan Chattopadhyay Nov 12 '17 at 18:48
  • @user46208 Yes! – baldPrussian Nov 12 '17 at 20:34
  • 2
    @user46208 : sorry, couldn't resist a joke. First of all, thanks for the comment. I think of it this way: what would I prefer to read? To me, the mantra of "be brief, be bright, be gone" comes to mind. That's probably a US thing, though. I'd suspect that some other cultures would prefer the back story and experience and let the reader draw their own conclusion. – baldPrussian Nov 12 '17 at 20:37
  • The middle ground is to sum up your points at the top, and then explain how you arrived at those points. – Arcanist Lupus Nov 14 '17 at 5:27
-1

No, no and no. Getting in touch back is inherently inappropriate. There was a reason you were blocked for. You would be a stalker if you will try to reach out in any way. Just get over it and move on. And you obviously enough deserved it. Even if you didn't do anything bad towards that person, he still has his boundaries and choices. And you don't belong to him. Never belonged and never will. You belong only to yourself.

Next time, please reconsider even trying to make such postings. Be a strong man. Get over it and never mourn it. Take some Seroquel, it will remove the temptation to "ask for help".

  • This answer is only giving advice. It doesn't have interpersonal skills. – user4245 Mar 29 '18 at 17:42
-3

Although I'm not from the USA, I have a little bit of idea of the US culture, having stayed there for a few years.

A year or two ago, I made a similar mistake. I had a really close friend, and I dumped my emotional baggage on her, just like you... What's more, I even snubbed her when she was trying to help me get over it.

She got angry, stopped talking to me, blocked me on social media, yada, yada... Exactly how it happened for you.

One fine day, I decided to make amends (again, just like you!). But I didn't have Interpersonal.SE back then... I had to figure things out by myself.

I tried many things; some worked out, some didn't. At first, I asked one of our mutual friends to talk to her first, so that I would at least know whether she'd want to even talk to me... (This went off very badly, don't even think of doing this...). I'd suggest a sorry email or message the very first time you try reconnecting, if there's no way for you two to meet in person. For me, it happened at school, so there was no issue with meeting her.

A day later, I went to her myself, and tried to grab her attention. She looked at me in the eye, and called me a jerk in front of everyone else. That day, I was really angry at her too. I thought that there's no use going and apologising to her anymore, and since there was no love lost between us (figuratively), there's no reason why she would forgive me.

Although I thought and felt this, my mind had plans of its own... I was always sulking, and low, because at the back of my head, I knew that I was responsible for this whole mess, and it was completely wrong of me to have gone and behaved how I had with my close friend.

When my mom asked me why I was feeling low, I told her the entire story... She told me to try and apologise again, with just a note, rather than saying it to her directly, as she didn't want to talk to me.

I wrote a sorry note, which was something along the lines of: "I'm truly a jerk... I should have never spoken to you like that. I've realised my mistake now, and if you can forgive this poor jerk that I am, I'm ready to be friends again"... I handed it to her one day when she was passing me. I gave it to her, and smiled at her once, before walking away...

The next day, I got a message from her, saying "Forgiven... What next, jerk? ;)".

Now, what I'd suggest to you is, go and talk to your friend directly first, or is that's not possible, call her first, don't send her a note/email immediately. Her calling you a jerk, or whatever, is an important part of the process. Preferably, don't get angry back at her, because it's actually her turn now, after your emotional baggage found it's way to her. You should apologise to her the very first time you talk, be it in person or not. If things don't work out, if your friend isn't as understanding as mine was, maybe it'll be the last time you talk to her, but at least you can say that you tried. There is nothing wrong with trying to contact her, but if she doesn't like it, you should not push it any further.

  • 1
    You are basically saying what Arcanist Lupus is saying in his answer, but not as clear and with a lot of back story. Don't take the downvotes personally. :) – Nobody Nov 11 '17 at 19:13
  • I understand that my answer is long, but I normally write answers based purely off personal experiences. My answer is probably not at par with the normal standards of Interpersonal.SE, but I'm unable to understand how. Can someone please let me know how I can improve on my answering skills? – Abhigyan Chattopadhyay Nov 12 '17 at 0:35
  • Hey! I like your long answer with your personal story! In case you're still looking for advice, you could improve it by wisely adding some bold and italic here and there and a short "tl;dr" at the beginning. Other than these tricks, you did right :D – LinuxBlanket Mar 29 '18 at 19:57

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