How to cut-off my sister-in-law from me and my fiancée? [closed]

Question

I am an 27 year old woman. I will be getting married soon. I have a sister-in-law who is 3.5 years younger than me. I somehow do not like my sister-in-law at all. I have disliked her since the first time I met her. A two minute conversation was enough to know that I do not like her. After that I have had many conversations which have increased my dislike for her further.

Once I wished her good luck for her exam, and out of nowhere she suddenly said that she hates people who are good in everything. She herself does not have a career. She has been doing nothing for the last three years, except for sitting at home after completing undergrad. When me and my fiancée would go out, she would ping him asking where he is and when will he be home.

My fiancée seems a bit weird too in this aspect regarding his sister. He would ask me to wish her well on her birthday and wish her good luck for her exams. I think he knows it pretty well that I don't like her, still he would ask me to do this. He would tell her to wish me a happy birthday too on my birthday.

To be honest, I do not want her in our life. I am pretty sure she is nosy and would try to create problems and destroy my relationship. When we would go out, she would text him asking when he is returning home. On the other hand my family would never disturb me. What should I do? How do I cut her off from us?

P.S. Every character is Indian.

Answer 1

I am Indian myself, and looking at your problem with a view to a practical solution, the typical way to reduce a relative's presence in your married life is to live separately with your husband after marriage and only visit their family periodically. This is actually something that many modern Indian women are now insisting upon as a necessary condition, when they discuss the terms and conditions of marriage with the future husband. Some people I know have even moved away with husband to a different city to minimise contact with the family members.

However it may not be possible to cut your sister-in-law completely from your married life, especially if your husband-to-be is close with her and makes it a point to maintain regular contact, which in the Indian context is both his right and duty as her elder brother.

I think you need to discuss this interpersonal problem with your husband-to-be at the earliest good opportunity, either before or soon after marriage. You should tell him that you and his sister are not having any good interaction. He is the right person to intervene and eventually stabilize what is actually going to be a long-term family relationship between your sister-in-law and yourself.

It is always better to be on good terms with your sister-in-law, and your husband-to-be needs to play an ongoing role to reduce friction between the two of you.

Generically in Indian society, we cannot avoid the type of relative like sister-in-law or brother-in-law and we will keep meeting them again and again, especially in social or family functions. If you and your sister-in-law are always cold or hostile to each other it can create plenty of awkward situations in your family life. My own aunt has an ongoing rivalry with her sister-in-law for the last 30 years and she finds her husband is often supporting his sister! Many Indians are like that only. You needn't like her personally but keeping diplomatic relations might be useful, if only for practical purposes.

However, if your husband's efforts do not improve the situation between your sister-in-law and yourself, he will at least be very aware that you have a problem, and you can certainly expect him to help you keep your distance from his sister.

Answer 2

Learning to tolerate your in-laws is a balancing act. You have to balance your need for healthy boundaries and autonomy with your partner's need to maintain a relationship with the people they care about.

That said, cutting your sister in-law out of your life, and by association your husband's life isn't going to be an option.

So here are a few things you can do instead:

• Talk to your husband to be about how you feel. Ask for a little more undivided attention from him and explain why you need that.

• Talk to the sister in-law and try to come to some level of mutual respect. Like it or not she's about to become a part of your family and you're going to have to deal with this person for years to come, so it's probably worth making peace.

• Set some healthy boundaries. Yes she's family, but you and your husband are going to need some space to develop your relationship. Take this process slowly, try not to give ultimatums. Start with simple things. Like while he's out with you he needs to make you his priority, the sister can wait for a few hours till the date is over.

Keep in mind that his family is his family. Regardless of how much you may dislike them, he's still going to love them. Don't make him choose between you and his family, because you may not like his decision.