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Background

My dad has had a girlfriend for 8 years now. She's 37, my father 45, I'm 25. We are French. I was 17 when they started dating. Naturally, I was very happy for him. After 6 months, she moved in. She seemed to be nice and everything was going great.

With time, I started to see that she was kind of a control freak. Everything my dad does was never good enough and she would systematically redo what he did. Then, she started with me. For example, my dad and I have RLS and if we shook our legs while eating, she would be mad. Or when we were talking, she complained that we were too noisy for her to write a text.

I started to be very uncomfortable at home and I locked myself in my room most of the day, playing video games. One day, my dad kicked me out of the house, thinking I was a video game addict. After 3 months, we got in touch and the problem was solved, without really talking about it.

After those events, I moved out in my own house and got a job, so everything was great.

I'm totally independent as I left the family house 5 years ago. I now live with my boyfriend 120 miles away from my father. I'm not sure I'm able to talk to him in private because as I said, she's always on his back, reading texts, intercepting phone calls from me.

The argument

In June, my dad, my step-mother, my boyfriend and I went to a music festival. Even though she hated the type of music, she wanted to come rather than be away from my dad for one week.

The second day, she had a tearful, dramatic argument with my father over a road trip issue. While she was outside, my dad told me something like "She must question herself over time, everyone turning their back to her". So I thought he might be aware of the problem.

On Sunday, she stared at me and said "You think I'm unbearable huh?" out of nowhere. I said "Yes", knowing that if I lied, she was going to scream at me anyway (clearly, she wanted to argue). She started to scream and berate me. I just smiled even though I was very angry. My dad was there, impassive.

Later, I messaged my dad and we argued. I finally told him all the things I have in my heart about her. He told me to grow up (what?). I explained I only spoke out of respect for him and his love, and I have never been mean.

We decided to talk about it later, but she refused to let us talk face to face, insisted on being there, and finally called me a coward when I left. She also told me to never set foot in "her" house.

Problem

Since then, I have not heard from my dad, even though I've messaged him a couple times about some family news. My father and I were always very close, but I think he is blinded by love and it's isolating him from everyone he loves. Unfortunately, they are getting married in 7 months (and my father always hated marriage).

Question: How can I get my father back / to see what sort of person his fiancée really is?

closed as too broad by NVZ, JAD, captaingabbeh, The Wraith, Anne Daunted Nov 15 '17 at 18:36

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    Just to get this clear... do you want to mend your relationship to your father? Or do you want to change his mind over his girlfriend? The first one is something where an Interpersonal skill might help, but the second one isn't possible (and both are currently in your question title/body) – Tinkeringbell Nov 15 '17 at 16:07
  • Actually I want both. I want to open his eyes on his relationship, but I don't know how to do it and get him back too. – DarkUnicorn Nov 15 '17 at 16:08
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    @Tinkeringbell nothings impossible, merely improbably. (TL;DR The philosophy is that impossible is an infinite regression, as it's impossible to say something is impossible because you can't know the infinite etc. etc.) =P – Digitalsa1nt Nov 15 '17 at 17:37
  • There are to arguements in this post. The first when I was 17, the second in past June. – DarkUnicorn Nov 15 '17 at 19:09
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The first step to your dad taking your opinion into serious consideration is continuing to nurture your relationship with him, which needs to start with an apology for the instance that has caused the distance.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when expressing how I felt about 'Mary'. Even if I haven't found a way to connect with her, I know that she means a lot to you, and I don't want to sacrifice our relationship because of it.

Even if you don't like your step-mother, your father does, and it's important to show that you care about how he feels (even if you don't agree). Acknowledging this shows that you take into consideration how he feels when expressing the ways in which you, personally, feel she is a bad match for him.

Unfortunately, there's no one answer solves all when it comes to helping anyone realize "truths" about their partners.

Individuals will stay in relationships that endanger their own lives against the better judgement of friends and family, so there isn't anything you can really "do" to make your father feel differently about his fiancee. The most you can do is repair your relationship with your father, build on your trust and respect, and assist him in seeing these "truths" over time.

At the end of the day, who he wants to spend his life with is his decision, and you are only in control of how you let that affect your relationship with him.

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