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I've been living with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. About once or twice a month, my Mum wants to visit or meet up somewhere. I don't mind doing this occasionally (say 6 times a year), but she has a habit of asking all the time. If I say I'm busy, she asks about the next day.

My girlfriend and I are quite introverted and don't much enjoy social interaction with anyone. I have tried to explain this to my Mum, and she seemed to understand, but the behavior hasn't changed. She is a very social person, and I think she may not understand how draining social interactions can be for some people.

I (and my girlfriend) don't have anything against my Mum, I just would like her to be less insistent about frequent visits.

Does anyone have advice on letting my Mum know that, while I want to see her, it's not very often.

Thanks.

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    How many times would you like to see your mum (what would be the ideal?) Are there any other reasons you want to decrease the frequency of your mum's visits (gf doesn't like her/you don't get along/etc.) What is your mother's social life like? These details will help improve the helpfulness of the answers. – anongoodnurse Nov 19 '17 at 23:57
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    Has the frequency of her requests changed? Did you used to honor them more and now you're trying to change the frequency, or is it a new problem, or has this been a problem for some time? The approaches vary depending on the history. – Monica Cellio Nov 20 '17 at 2:12
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My girlfriend and I are quite introverted and don't much enjoy social interaction with anyone. I have tried to explain this to my Mum, and she seemed to understand, but the behavior hasn't changed.

If your mom hasn't experienced feelings of introversion there might not be a way to help her fully understand how you feel, but it's a good step that you've at least said these things to her. This way, even if she doesn't fully understand, she's equipped with the reminder that that's just how you prefer your life and it's nothing against her personally.

On the note of how to reject her requests for frequent visits, I've found with my parents that rather than just saying "No" it can help to instead talk about your commitment to meeting the next time. For example:

I don't feel like doing anything this Saturday, but in a few (time period of your choice... weeks/months/etc.) I would love to go do 'X' with you.

This can show your mom that even though you don't wish to meet with her at the time of her choosing, when you are ready to meet with her you will be fully engaged and ready to do something that you can both enjoy together.

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I (and my girlfriend) don't have anything against my Mum, I just would like her to be less insistent about frequent visits.

All your mom wants is to make sure her baby is alright, kept warm, well fed, etc.

So I suggest a proactive approach: give her a fix by calling her or sending emails on a regular basis, tell her a few things about what you do, tell her about something that went well at your job... Take five minutes to write. Ask for advice about cooking. You can even send her random funny stuff from the internet.

Basically, stay in touch and convey the idea that everything's fine. This should keep her anxiety for her "little baby" under control, and also it will make her happier, which is something you really want to do. Even if you describe her as a bit annoying, she's still your mom...

You say she needs social interactions, but long interactions are draining for you. What I'm suggesting is to give her what she needs in a way that suits you, spend five minutes to send an email once or twice a week... if talking to her for two hours is too tiring, chop it up in little pieces, one email once in a while.

  • +1 This if in my opinion the best answer because it does not only take the couple but also a mums feeling in consideration and as a young adult living alon for about 2 years now i can confirm this behaviour. I for my part sometimes like spending a weekend at home but they still long for the call for 5 minues once or twice a week. – MansNotHot Nov 21 '17 at 8:31
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Your mother wants to see you only because she loves you. I had that issue before but fixed it by saying this:

Mum, thank you for caring about me by visiting a lot. Sometimes I need time with me and my girlfriend. I love you, but I also love spending time by myself. I hope you understand that.

Try saying it in person, to explain better. You could come up with times each month when she can visit.

. This should work. If not, leave a comment and I'll come up with a better answer!

  • Having a frank conversation with your mother? Well done! I'd add to this @anongoodnurse's suggestion to set a parameter of how many times you'd consider acceptable - that way she has an idea of what's appropriate. – baldPrussian Nov 20 '17 at 1:04
  • @baldPrussian Thanks for your edits, by the way. Great Idea! I'll at that in! – Firework Nov 20 '17 at 1:05

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