The devil's advocate.
Note:
My answer relies on a few inferences between what you've told us. Tell me if I'm wrong and I'll adjust/delete my answer.
I used to be like her, and part of me still is like that. You're inferring negative things about her actions. While you're of course allowed to have an opinion about the state of your friendship, there are explanations for her behavior that can be mitigating:
- I used to be incredibly socially anxious, to a point where I assumed that talking to someone or asking to meet up came across (to myself) as being presumptuous.
- Often, I would end up hoping a friend talked to me, because it'd be rude if I initiated the conversation (they might be busy and I'd be interrupting them.
- The same was true of meeting up. I tended to wait for my friend to invite me. It wasn't laziness, it was fear of rejection (even if they had prior plans, it was still a rejection I wasn't ready for).
No "hello", No "how are you?", just "Can you help me with this? Just 1 question".
- Though I'm not one to ask for help in fields I'm familiar with, asking people for help with fields I'm unfamiliar with (e.g. plumbing or general maintenance), I still feel like sinking into the ground rather than ask it. The fact that she asks you for help may be her way of tricking her anxiety into talking to people.
- Part of not wanting to interrupt people manifests itself as being short in order to take up less of their time; and you don't realize that you come across as short (i.e. rude, not casual).
- The worst part about social anxiety is that the fear of annoying people causes you to behave a certain way (defending against that possibility), which can ironically turn out to be the cause of why people get annoyed.
She has other friends apart from me and she does hang out with them (concerts, BBQ, etc.) but I'm not sure if her friends are always the ones initiating events as well.
- Even though I suffered from anxiety with everyone (even family), there were a few childhood friends that I'd grown familiar with and felt at ease being myself with.
- To you, this can come across as proof of rudeness. She relies on you to engage in the friendship, but then does not require the same of her other friends?
- In reality, it's possible that they have been friends for long enough that it precludes her anxiety. A longstanding historical rapport with someone can give you confidence that this person will not be offended if you make a mistake. How longstanding it has to be, depends on the person and their anxiety, I'd guess.
The problem: I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or asks me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation, which is very rare, it's because she needs help. When we are at dinner, we typically have great conversations and she's always smiling and fun to be around with. I'd like her to be the same way outside dinner.
- It's likely that she doesn't register it as being rude, because she's trying to work around her anxiety. E.g. a burning man will care little about "ladies first" when running through a door, because he is on fire. Similarly, your friend may be dealing with a severe anxiety that surpasses minor impolite actions. Her actions (which you consider rude) may simply be the lesser of two evils.
- Once my friend engaged me in conversation, I would lose that anxiety. Since you say she's much more open during dinner, that suggests her case is very similar.
But your problem needs to be addressed too.
The problem: I feel like I am being used. She never initiates conversations or asks me to hang out. If she does initiate a conversation, which is very rare, it's because she needs help. When we are at dinner, we typically have great conversations and she's always smiling and fun to be around with. I'd like her to be the same way outside dinner.
Regardless of defending her, that doesn't mean that you just have to sit there and take it. She is your friend, she is causing some friction, she needs to address it.
Coming from personal experience, I wouldn't want to talk about my issues, since that would be presumptuous and impolite. But sometimes I was dying to have someone ask me about them, so it'd be "okay" for me to talk about it.
Before you address the real issue, you'll need to make her feel at ease.
- Don't be upset when you initiate the conversation, because that triggers her anxiety. It suggests that her worst fears have come true, and that's going to cause instinctive behavior (likely putting a wall between you and her).
- Ask her if she's an anxious person, if she ever feels shy, etc... More often than not, socially anxious people are unable to talk about their social anxiety. Make it clear that it's safe for her to talk about it.
- After she explains it, acknowledge her situation. Sympathize without offering options. If she's looking particularly uncomfortable, maybe admit to sometimes feeling something similar.
At that point, you can address the behavior. This is just an example approach, it depends on what behavior your wants to address. For example, I'll focus on having you setting up social occasions and never her.
- Mention that you brought up the questions about anxiety, because you've noticed that she doesn't often initiate a social event.
- She might become apologetic, which suggests that she's aware of it, but likely unable to find another solution.
- Explain to her that you're not upset, because you understand. But stress the fact that her actions can cause the exact thing she's trying to avoid.
- If she's still openly talking to you, suggest helping her over her anxiety by making her initiate the next social event (or a few). Tell her that you won't get upset in any way when she does, and that the purpose of the exercise is for her to get comfortable with doing so.
Just to make sure: Put the stress on helping her over her anxiety, not on making her stop with her problematic behavior that annoys you. Technically, you're doing both; but the latter will likely trigger her anxiety because she needs to think about having upset you, which in turn is likely to upset her.
I would hope she agrees with that. I would've. It's exactly what I needed, and what one friend did indeed provide for me. That small boost in confidence made me repeat the behavior with his friends; and within months I went from 2 friends to 30, and suddenly had a social life.
If she shuts you down or refuses to try and initiate, then the ball is in your court.
It's fair for you to not want this kind of friendship. Regardless of mitigating circumstances, you're still the one dealing with the issue and you have the freedom to sidestep it.
If you have the patience for it, I'd suggest you let it go and try again at a later stage. If you don't have the patience for it, then don't do it. If you try it anyway, lose your cool, and get upset with her; you're going to make her fears come true (which reinforces that "her anxiety was correct all along" in her head).
If you want to dial back the friendship, but give her the chance to recover; kindly state that you need her to be more proactive, and tell her that you want her to take the lead for a while. It's in her best interest (gaining confidence), and it solves a problem that you were dealing with (having to be the one to initiate).
If she gets over it, you'll hear from her. If she doesn't, then you won't. You still have to the option of engaging her if you feel regret later, but if you truly can't deal with it anymore, you have the option of not engaging her.
