I am in a "let's occasionally do some Star Trek Themed Roleplay via IRC"-group that includes a couple I have known for ages. The group has one more member, but he is totally unaware of the past history.
Due to personal issues, me easily submitting to stuff and them occasionally being very dominant and being in a "two against one"-position against me there came a phase when they really hurt me... a lot. Hard words where exchanged, I wasn't on the best of my behaviour either, feelings were hurt, the whole thing.
She apologized, we had some talks, I am fine with her.
He, on the other hand, went way too far, and still has not apologized or even mentioned anything about being sorry!
I tried to apologize. Admittedly, I may have added a few "but.."'s at the time, I am not sure of how exactly I put it. I am not really sure if he ever realized it was an apology, because he was still very subtly nasty to me by ignoring me. I tried to reach out, but there was the point at which the wall of ice he had set up just was too much.
On three separate occasions, in an attempt to defend his girlfriend, he basically said: "You will regret acting like this, I do have ways to make sure of that!". I was actually terrified the first time he did that. Another time he did that, I called him out at it, asking him what he thought he actually could do! This ended with his girlfriend telling me to stop talking to him like that.
Now, I know I overreacted, but still: he was aware how terrified this kind of talk made me the first time, he actually was hurt when hearing I took it that seriously, because it implied he would actually hurt me, and he thought I was terrible for ever feeling that way!
I cannot really talk to him about it, she refuses to get involved in that topic, and ever since I have been too worried to ever complain about anything during roleplaying, or mention anything that might spark disagreement. I would love to get that out of the way, but don't know how.
Our only contact is currently taking place via chat. I actually avoided meeting her on two occasions when I was in their area, even though I would have loved to see her again, because I worried she might bring him along.
My wish is to have a relaxed relationship with her again, being able to talk about just anything, as it used to be. My main fear is that if there ever is any dissent between us again, he will again push himself in, and attack me verbally for daring to have what should be a harmless, short-lived argument with her. How can I approach her about my fears without her striking out at me for daring to have any mistrust towards her SO? She loves him very much, but I would very much like to stay out of his sight forever.
I would be fine with leaving the RP-group even, but I admit I am worried she would not understand my reasons. So... what do I tell her, and how do I explain without her being angry and hurt?