Some context: my girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, and we've decided to move in together now that she has graduated and found a job in her chosen career. We're both financially independent, and made this decision after a lot of communication on the subject. This will be her first time moving out of her parents' house (she is in her mid 20's, oldest of many children) but I've been living on my own for several years (due to university being in a separate city than my hometown, and we met shortly after I moved across the country for my first career position).
Her mother is, in a word, nosy. To her, there are to be no boundaries between parent and child. It irritates my girlfriend, as she is now an adult with the freedom of a teenager, and we've been using my existing apartment as a 'safe haven' from her mother. Her mother has in turn, been driving past my house every day on her work, covering it up as it being on the way to work, but it is a significant deviation of what should be her normal path. She has also frequently stated that she would like to see the inside of my house, however I know this is because:
- She has expressed disbelief that I am capable of living on my own without help
- She knows that her daughter spends quite a lot of time here, which frustrates her 'no privacy' policy
- She is quick to judge peoples' financial and personal situations based upon superficial details. People with more than one pair of earrings or a tattoo are either deviants or potential criminals.
She masks this nosiness as a 'parents care' mentality. She just wants her daughter to be 'safe'.
This nosiness has been extending to myself as well. She wants to know more and more about past relationships, work, circle of friends, etc. I'm willing to share most, but not all details, and what I don't share she tries to pry out of my girlfriend.
With our recent decision to move in together, her attitudes have ramped up exponentially. While supportive of her daughter's decision to proceed into adulthood, she has expressed multiple times that she should have the ability to show up whenever she wants. This is obviously unwelcome, and a flagrant admission to potential trespassing. However, I have yet to find a way to express my own distaste beyond brushing it aside as: "we won't often be home anyway, due to the nature of our careers".
I would like to resolve this in a way that does not result in cut contact, due to the fact that the rest of the family is on good terms, and since my girlfriend and I don't have any reasons to break up, so there will be interaction with the family for years to come.
UPDATE: Since this appears to have gotten way bigger than I could have expected (my personal IPS profile now exceeds my professional developer SO profile lol) I'll let you know how this all worked out. Moving in was easy-peasy. However, after a few days of settling in, GF's mother did come in unnanounced, and simply walked in. I was working at the computer with my headphones on, and was very startled when GF_Mom walked in. GF however took immediate control of this situation and laid out the boundary that we both discussed. Since then GF and I have had a very workable relationship with her mother. Boundary setting was the major key, and informing GF_MOM that the house her daughter and I live in is private property, even if the occupant is her daughter, really hit the right note.