How do I constructively address my co-worker's accusation that I don't see her as a "real person?"

Question

_{Although I have added the India tag for cultural context, I consider this to be a question on a universal theme, and therefore welcome responses from members all over the world.}

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Since mid-September I have been volunteering one day a week at a social work non-profit (typically called NGO here in India) that provides non-clinical counselling services for the general public. I am not involved in the interpersonal aspects of their activities and do not interact with the people utilising these services. I am a qualified sociologist and I have been helping the social workers to technically prepare some upcoming research projects.

One of my co-workers there (code name Alice) is a full-time social work counsellor. We are not doing the same type of work but we do interact a bit in the office. She recently called me on the phone in the morning of my volunteering day and said

I need to take my mother-in-law for a medical checkup so I will be an hour late getting to work. Would you give the counselling for the first few clients?

Now I have no qualification or training in counselling and said that I couldn't possibly counsel the clients. She did come late and the clients were kept waiting. Later she accused me of not seeing her as a "real person."

You could easily have given the clients that counselling... I am so rarely in need of your help and my mother-in-law had to see this doctor. We will all have such unavoidable situations. I don't think you even see me as a real person with real problems!

I was quite surprised and asked her what she meant. She said that I was politely formal and aloof with her and never seemed to recognize her personal identity; I was not particularly warm in interaction nor interested in her family matters; nor even considerate of her occasional need for help such as when she had to take a family member to the doctor. Also, my behavior suggested that I had a one-dimensional and uninvolved view of women in general, she said. Note that she is a trained counsellor and has considerably more insight into such matters than the average person.

First of all this question is not about the clash of ideas regarding whether I as an unqualified person should or should not counsel the clients. And Alice is essentially right that I do not exactly see her as what she calls a "real person", which is the interpersonal focus of this question.

A bit of background might be useful in context. The social and cultural atmosphere in the part of South India where we live does not encourage 'friendship' between men and women, and conservative society still views it with some disapproval and suspicion. I am unmarried and have tended to be very formal, reserved and very proper in interacting with women who are not my family members, and especially keep my distance from married women.

That is part of the cultural expectations here, which can also tend to create one-dimensional and remote mental attitudes to women, unless a man has a genuine passion for cultivating friendships with female colleagues/ acquaintances, even at risk of facing a bit of social and personal backlash. (The same applies to women who would like to form friendships with men.) I don't want to be close friends with women in general. I am also very introverted and get quickly tired by interacting with other people. And I am certainly not interested in the details of their family matters.

What complicates the Alice situation a bit is that I find her physically attractive but I don't feel like expressing that in my behavior, and she is off limits because of being married. I am not particularly interested romantically in Alice but I didn't want to be "just friends" with her and certainly didn't want to meet her husband or talk about him. I also never imagined that any of that was relevant to the part-time work I am doing there. So I have taken no interest in her personality or family matters, and that contributes to her perception that I don't see her as a real person. However, the expression of her feedback is something I am willing to take seriously, especially after participating intensively for the past few months and learning a lot here on Interpersonal.StackExchange.

I was also saddened and affected significantly by reading about the very recent death of an adult movie star, the news article regarding whose tragic end was e-mailed to me by a sociologist friend with his own observation that

the world fails to see so many women as their unique selves. We men look at women and often cannot see beyond the physical exterior. It is very sad that the only way for at least some women to express themselves, stand out from the crowd and be taken seriously as real individual people is by that ultimate act of self-destruction. That is why this shocking incident is relevant sociologically to us and also an eye-opener to everyone that more exposure to social media does not guarantee better (inter)personal insight in the digital age.

So I feel that I might try to to address Alice's valid criticism here. My goal is to be more amenable to seeing her as a multi-dimensional individual. That doesn't come naturally to me and that is why I need the help of the interpersonally talented members of IPS.SE: how can I eventually convince her that I was positively influenced by what she said, and am now trying to 'see her as a real person'?

Answer 1

After reading your comments and the other post I can say this:

• I agree with Stacey you are being hard on yourself.
• I agree with Dan, Alice is projecting on to you.

I also can say that if you are here is because you know something is not quite right. You said:

And Alice is essentially right that I do not exactly see her as what she calls a "real person", which is the interpersonal focus of this question.

I think what she said somehow resonated true within you. What you need to know is, if this is an "Alice" thing? or is it a "Women" thing? From what you said:

I don't want to be close friends with women in general.

Is a "Women" thing, made worse in the case of Alice because you find her attractive but out of reach, she being married.

Are you interested in being friends with Men? I assume so, if not you wouldn't have these doubts.

Why don't you want to be friends with women? Is just that is too much of a hassle to deal with the social backlash? Or is that because you don't see them as real people?

What does it mean that you don't see them as "real people"? In general even if we don't know anything about someone, we don't go around questioning whether or not we see them as real. I mean you are not close with the chair you are sitting on but you do consider it real.

Now if the chair was, I don't know, a bench you could say "is this a real chair?" So what you are asking is whether or not women are people, and by people, I mean human beings.

Do you see women as actual human beings? Same rights an attributes? I think you know the answer is "NO". And you don't like it.

No one is perfect, but you realize it and you want to be better. For that I applaud you.

When you described Alice, you said she is attractive, she is married. If you were to describe a male coworker you were having issues with, would you use the same terms? Or would you say something else? You would probably say he is smart, or stubborn, etc.

Honestly if you think of this, before worrying whether someone is married or attractive, try to know them. Or could you be married to a very attractive woman that you truly hated her personality?

You shouldn't be interested in being friends with men, or with women, you "should" be interested in being friends with interesting (for you) people, both men and women. If you don't talk with them, or interact with them you won't find them.

I know how hard it can be to break these cultural barriers, so if you want to improve. Take a moment before talking with any woman, and think of them as men, what would you be saying to them if they were men, and then proceed. This will get easier and more automatic with time.

Finally, you said you want to let her know you took her criticism seriously. For that, you just need to tell her that you brought the issue up with some "friends" or on a website, whatever makes you feel more comfortable and share some insights.

And regarding the actual conflict that unleashed everything, tell her that you don't feel comfortable being imposed to counsel because it is not your specialization and you could gladly help her with other things (maybe paper work?), but not with that, and for that matter you wouldn't help anyone else with counseling, not just her. Also make her see that if you don't know her much is because you don't spend much time there as you only volunteer 1 or 2 times a week. And tell her that you are sorry if you made her feel bad, since it wasn't your intention and in future times if she needs help she could ask but maybe offering other possibilities. I don't know, she could ask you to get someone else to do it, or whatever.

Answer 2

I suspect that Alice is projecting her frustrations with her culture on to you personally. Which I don't find to be very fair. That said it's understandable that she would be frustrated. I think the best response you could give would be to say to her :

I just wanted to let you know that I do know you are a real person with real problems, If I were qualified to help you I would have but I do not have the skills and training that you have, and am unqualified to offer counseling. I am sorry that I could not help. If you ever need help with {insert something you are capable of} I will gladly help.

Naturally you need to clarify that the real reason you could not help was that you are not qualified to offer counseling.

By offering to help her with something else in the future you are showing that you are indeed willing to help, when qualified.

Simply acknowledging that she has professional skills that you don't have should go a long way towards proving that you already see her as a unique individual capable of contributing to society outside of traditional family roles.

more generally you can help yourself (and others) to recognize that women are unique individuals by being sure to recognize verbally the achievements, and good work done by women around you whether that work is done professionally or in the home.

Answer 3

Ignoring the fact Alice is a woman: what you have here is a full-time and specialist paid worker abusing its position and the presence of a volunteer to try to hand down the work the salaried worker was specifically hired and paid to perform.

You took a more professional and laudable stance refusing to do work for which you have no experience and qualifications; in fact this could also have backfired to you if you have handled patients on the wrong,or there was a surprise inspection - thing you did not let happen fortunately, and better yet did not set a precedent. There might also would be serious confidentially issues with patients you are not handling usually.

IMO, the "co-worker" also has no business asking either work or justifications from you, and it would be up to your chain of command to do that. You also have not much to lose being a volunteer, and in fact the best answer to kill the subject for good can be "I only volunteered for x" (e.g. I did not volunteer to do your work).

It might be that she is just exploiting a sensitive theme and mixing work and personal feelings to coerce you into picking up her slack next time. The "co-worker" is also doubly in the wrong of trying to pressure you into doing their work being absent from work without coordinating it beforehand with you, and also not even giving you a call to warn patients are waiting.

It is not your responsibility a "co-worker" is not being having a professional stance at their job, and I would direct someone to upper management next time they try to pass the buck instead of unsuccessfully trying to reason with them - furthermore if they are not able to make it on time due to personal problems, it is up to them to reschedule their patients.

You were the one acting professionally here, and it seems totally unjustified you beating yourself for it, no matter what the excuses. You are letting yourself being manipulated.

Answer 4

I think you're being hard on yourself.

There is a very big difference between viewing an entire gender in a disrespectful way (for example, your quote " We men look at women and often cannot see beyond the physical exterior.") and seeing a coworker only in their work capacity because you don't know them very well.

In fact, your view of her (from my limited point of view) seems pretty normal. You see her as a coworker, which makes perfect sense because that is how you interact with her every day. I have coworkers that I only know through work. We don't talk about family stuff or hobbies or anything, I just work with them. It's natural to see them mainly in their work capacity because that's the level of interaction we have. That doesn't mean that I'm disrespectful to their entire gender.

Since you've grown up in a culture that distances men from women, it's easy to see them as a sort of mystery. That's totally understandable. I think the article is talking about viewing about women in a disrespectful way. Thinking only about their appearance and perhaps thinking they aren't clever or capable.

This is really about thinking about women respectfully and treating them as such. While you may not feel comfortable getting to know your coworker better, are there other women who are more socially acceptable to get to know? Perhaps family members like sisters and cousins? If you can have multi-dimensional relationships with them and view them in a respectful way, then that will help you to have a healthier view of women in general.

I highly agree with @Dan's answer that your coworker is being a bit sensitive because she is frustrated about her situation. People are very sensitive these days about treating women well. I'd go further to say that it's important to treat every person well, no matter what their gender.

Answer 5

You didn't do her bidding, and now she's finding personal faults in you because you were unhelpful.

People who are self-entitled think that tasks others do for them are easy. I have no idea how to counsel someone, but I would believe that this "Alice" would have found the same task easy for me.

The only real reason she's upset is because she didn't handle the problem appropriately, and she asked you to rescue her. She's deciding that you chose to not rescue her, and is now upset with you because of her (Mother, brother, father, supervisor, etc.) You don't have enough life to spend it with a friend who sees you as a problem.

If you feel that you are happier interacting with women in a way that is traditionally not supported, then work on that. Set up clear boundaries, voice those boundaries, and present yourself in a manner that tries to avoid misinterpretation of your efforts. But such an effort is your decision, not Alice's; and you are master of your own actions.

Personally, I would avoid getting to know Alice better because you already started off badly. In my opinion, she's leveraged her beauty and attraction to get others to work for her. If you "help her out" you won't be unique, and you won't get a fair chance to develop a female friendship.

You are commendable in considering situations where women might suffer due to lack of a more open and supportive network of women and men; but, this person is probably not the right person to work with in this effort. She's become accustomed to using the system you are trying to avoid. She's asked you to do things that would put you in jail outside of India, and now it is your fault you didn't do it!

Answer 6

What really stands out is this:

She recently called me on the phone in the morning of my volunteering day and said:

• "I need to take my mother-in-law for a medical checkup so I will be an hour late getting to work. Would you give the counselling for the first few clients?"

Now I have no qualification or training in counselling and said that I couldn't possibly counsel the clients. She did come late and the clients were kept waiting. Later she accused me of not seeing her as a "real person."

• "You could easily have given the clients that counselling... I am so rarely in need of your help and my mother-in-law had to see this doctor. We will all have such unavoidable situations. I don't think you even see me as a real person with real problems!"

I was quite surprised and asked her what she meant. She said that I was politely formal and aloof with her and never seemed to recognize her personal identity; I was not particularly warm in interaction nor interested in her family matters; nor even considerate of her occasional need for help such as when she had to take a family member to the doctor.

She calls you to ask 'Would you like to do work you are unqualified for, to offer poor service to our clients, to do my job and your own on short notice because I plan poorly and can't manage my schedule?".

You replied that you do not wish to do that, but neglect to thank her for interrupting what you were doing, at least you had a good reason for denying her demand (because if you can only answer yes then it's not "Would you?", but "You will.", a demand and not a question at all).

• It's a medical checkup, she knew about it in advance.

• She probably knows your role and qualifications.

• She ought not to have made conflicting appointments.

• It's not your fault, as you've mentioned you don't interrogate her nor are you all knowing.

• What if you called in sick or were away from the phone, whatever would she do?

Why didn't she simply call some random number and ask that person to do the work for free, how is that any different. Why doesn't her husband do the work or either of them hire someone?

You shouldn't feel guilt, and she does seem unreal.

Still this is something you wish to address and not dismiss.

Your explanation to us (at StackExchance) seems adequate, can't she accept such an explanation.

Involving the office manager in your discussion will:

• Communicate the importance of your interaction to her.

• Ensure that she doesn't later suggest that you tried to have a "one-dimensional and uninvolved view of" her - assuming we know what that means.

• Show respect for the "social and cultural atmosphere", and her husband.

• Ensure that the manager is onboard and aware of conflict.

In order to see her as some dynamic and multi-dimensional individual, the master of her destiny, the mentor to Mother Teresa, a Deity, someone you want to befriend, she needs to do her part.

Maybe her own friends and family need to support her better or she needs to council herself and obtain better coping skills than to lash out at an unpaid volunteer, someone already spending all day helping her and others.

How can I eventually convince her that I was positively influenced by what she said, and am now trying to 'see her as a real person'?

Simply tell her that what she said has positively influenced you, that you will go to lunch and discuss plans to spend more time with her after work, that you want to get to know the real Alice - everything.

How will that be received?

I think her negativity has influenced you to make a poor choice, to blame yourself after being manipulated. To both refuse to accept that you were duped by a woman and to feel a manly need to be protective of her.

Tell her husband she asks you to replace him and she must not again - then perhaps she will not. Otherwise, as I mentioned, go against everything and explore her, the real Alice. I advise against that.