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Situation

I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now. We get on well and I'd like to stay with her. A year ago my girlfriend and a good friend of mine (also female, we'll call her Jane) had a big falling out. My girlfriend will not talk to Jane and wants nothing to do with her and is upset that I maintain contact, albeit in a very diminished form when compared to before, with my friend.

I feel like I'm in a really tough position because although ultimately my girlfriend is more important to me, my friend was always good to me and we got on very well. I can't engage in hobbies/activities that I previously did with her such as camping, movie nights, whatever else. Please keep in mind that all my interactions with Jane have been with her boyfriend present, so it was never inappropriate. Their relationship was fine up until the falling out and sometimes my girlfriend was also present during these activities.

I can't get my girlfriend to forgive Jane and I'm unwilling to engage in activities that involve Jane because it will upset her. Yet I feel like I've wronged Jane because she's been there for me and helped me out on numerous occasions and now I'm pushing her out of my life to appease my girlfriend.

What is the correct action here? Ideally they could reconcile, but Jane is unwilling to apologize and thinks she's done nothing wrong and my girlfriend wants absolutely nothing to do with her.

Background

About a year ago I was at a party and did not have my drivers license. I have it now, but back then I didn't. It was in a small village and the only transport options available in this village (for those not driving) were bus/taxi. It was a Friday night and my colleague was hosting the party so he brought me there after work. The party ended everyone fell asleep drunk. I was pretty drunk too and wanted to go home. The problem was that it was now very late and there were no buses driving anymore. So I wrote to my girlfriend via whatsapp and asked if she'd be willing to make the hour long drive to come and pick me up.

My girlfriend isn't the most confident driver and she wasn't willing to get me in the middle of the night from a village she's never been to. I was annoyed by this because I would have done it for her without hesitation if our roles were reversed, but I understand her fears etc so I let it go. So I sleep there on an air mattress my friend Jane kindly provided for me.

I wake up the next day and everyone's leaving. Buses still aren't available (perhaps due to a public holiday? I wasn't sure then and still not now) so I contacted my girlfriend again and asked if she'd be willing to get me now that it's day and because the buses weren't available.

She still wasn't willing. What ended up happening was that Jane brought me home and was very angry with my girlfriend for not getting me. She wrote a series of scathing messages to her on whatsapp, like really scathing. I was surprised by the hostility in it and thought it was frankly a bit too harsh. Among more valid criticisms, it touched on how she thought my girlfriend was childish, selfish, etc and how she was lucky to have me as a boyfriend and how she didn't deserve me.

Jane and my girlfriend are worlds apart in terms of personality. Jane is fiery and brutally honest. She speaks her mind and talks without a filter, whereas my girlfriend is not like that at all. Minus the personal attacks, some of what Jane said about my girlfriend was true. But the overall tone was just too much.

Other Info

It may be prudent to provide more info so that Jane's anger is more understandable. Jane's not a bad person in my opinion. It wasn't just one time my girlfriend didn't want to collect me. Other times included:

  • Every day after work, I'd walk about 2km from the train station to our house. This was in every season, also when snowing/raining. Normally I did not mind and did not ask, but in adverse weather it would have been nice to get picked up. During such adverse weather conditions, she would only collect me after argument. Sometimes I'd return home drenched if the wind was too much for my umbrella.
  • A few times the trains went on strike so I was literally stranded. She would always say to hitchhike home, upon which I would insist she collect me. She did, but only after argument and she'd be angry about it afterwards (distance of 20km).
  • While getting my drivers license, there were times I had to take a bus trip of an hour or longer to get home because she was unwilling to drive for 15 minutes to get me.

Now that I have my own license and can get around myself, these frustrations have ceased. Her unwillingness to drive has not. She's uncomfortable driving any long distance and will ask me to drive in most situations, especially if the distance is large.

closed as too broad by Anne Daunted GoFundMonica, user4548, Tinkeringbell, Em C, Jess K. Dec 15 '17 at 19:23

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • I'm sorry, but this is a bit broad. What are you willing to do? Do you want to address the behavior of Jane or your girlfriend? Do you want your girlfriend to realize that what Jane said was true? – Tinkeringbell Dec 15 '17 at 19:11
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You have a tough situation here. There are two prongs: First, your issue with your girlfriend not driving a fair share (as I understand it), and second, the more important issue of animosity between your girlfriend and your good friend, Jane.

As for your issue with the girlfriend's contribution to driving. Sorry, but you'll have to recognize this as a sunk cost of being in a relationship with this person. If she is uncomfortable driving, gets anxious, and doesn't want to drive, taking issue with this won't change anything. If this is a deal-breaker, you need to end the relationship; if it isn't, you need to write it off and forget about it.

The issue with your friend Jane's caustic verbal assault of your girlfriend is a more serious issue. She's been a good friend to you, which we respect, and which you want to maintain. But the bottom line is Jane went too far. She needs to recognize it, and she needs to apologize...and that apology needs to be genuine.

If I were in your situation I'd call Jane and open with "Hey can I discuss something real quick?" Next, assure her that she's a great friend and that you appreciate her tremendously, then emphasize your perspective—that her tone and aggression toward your girlfriend was disappointing, and you'd appreciate it if she'd take it under consideration and make an apology to your girlfriend.

  • Thanks for your answer, it helps. I don't think I can narrow my question down enough to get it off hold though. – user3638162 Dec 15 '17 at 19:44
  • This answer does not address the interpersonal skills required to communicate the OP's goal. – user4548 Dec 15 '17 at 21:41
  • @TheSnarkKnight. I reorganized and rephrased. Better? – elrobis Dec 15 '17 at 22:39

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