I've been speaking to this girl at my university for a little over 2 months now. It's very easy to see that she's shy and introverted, but she is a really sweet and interesting person. Over the course of these two months, I've caught myself overthinking, not just about how she responds through text, but about how she may be hiding her true feelings and thoughts and so on.

What I want to ask is, how do I stop overthinking and worrying? More specifically, how do I stop overthinking and worrying about what she may/may not be thinking or feeling towards me?

The problem is that, like I said before, she isn't great at conversing. She's pretty quiet and I have to initiate a conversation most of the time in person, and always through text, to get her talking. And even then it isn't always a lot.

While she does speak more often in person, I still find it hard to not worry about everything. I think this can be traced back to when a girl back in high school played with me for 3 years and now overthinking is like a deep-rooted issue that I have to deal with. But it's gotten to a point where I just want it to stop.

I enjoy every minute I spend with her, even if we don't say a word. I don't find the silences awkward, and she said she no longer does either. We also have been getting pretty physical over the last 3 or 4 weeks, sometimes ending up in a play-fight or cuddling.

But yeah. Even as I'm typing this, for the past 2 hours I've been trying to keep myself occupied with different things to prevent myself from falling into a depression just because I kept thinking that she doesn't find me as a romantic interest and doesn't plan on making it easy to understand until it's too late.

edit: I'm not going to seek therapy as 1) I don't even have any money to be doing that, and 2) the issue isn't that severe. I'm just asking because I also have a few friends who overthink about different things and am hoping to get an insight into how people cope with it or manage to get rid of it entirely. Hopefully others can be helped

  • Not really an answer but in cases like this it would be good to have a meeting with just the two of you and you disclose your feelings about this to her, and play by ear from there. Personally been stuck in this "limbo" for about a year over, doesn't feel good at all. From there you will get a concrete answer which will lead to the ending of the overthinking. Dec 18, 2017 at 1:40
  • @SomeoneElse I did tell her how I felt only 3 days ago before she went away for a while. It was really awkward and spontaneous, but I think that didn't help me with the whole overthinking issue at all because I'm (trying not to) beating myself up thinking that it could have been done better :p
    – deiviux90
    Dec 18, 2017 at 17:46
  • OP I hate to break it to you, but the opportunity for a relationship with this girl has already set sail. In a comment you said 'I did tell her how I felt only 3 days ago before she went away for a while'. That isn't the behavior of a girl who's interested. And with the current state of affairs in male/female relations, please believe me when I tell you as kindly as I can, your interest in her at this point is entering the realm of unwanted attention, which may begin to make her uncomfortable if it's not already. For now, leave the ball in her court and try to meet as many women as possible.
    – elrobis
    Dec 19, 2017 at 22:39
  • @elrobis 100% agree, as much as i would like to help with the overthinking, it either passes with time or you need to meet more people to overcome it. sorry man. Dec 20, 2017 at 1:24

2 Answers 2


Overthinking is usually caused by two factors: insecurity and improper focus. It sounds like both are going on here.

Let's deal with the focus question first, because that's harder. There gets to be a vicious cycle going on - "person X is doing Y when I want them to do Z". And then, rather than enjoying Y, you focus on Z. The best way to break this is twofold: start focusing on what's going right, and learn to identify the triggers that cause you to start focusing on what you want to change. Once you identify these triggers, you can start focusing on reacting to them differently.

Your insecurity with her will either increase or decrease. If it increases over time, that may be a sign that this isn't the right relationship. Generally, though, as you grow more comfortable around each other, the insecurity will decrease until you wonder why it was even a thing.

  • What do you mean by "focusing on what you want to change"? From what I can tell, it's not entirely possible to get her to respond more often. I mean, forcing her's an option, but I'm not going to force her to do that
    – deiviux90
    Dec 18, 2017 at 1:04
  • @deiviux90: I think there's a misread in there. Find out what triggers your overthinking and learn to recognize when that happens. That will help change the behavior in yourself that you look to change. Dec 18, 2017 at 2:51
  • Ah.Well so far my guess is that it starts as soon as I start questioning if she really is into me or not or if things are actually going well between us or not. But thanks for the advice, I will try to see if it's possible to change that thought to something better!
    – deiviux90
    Dec 18, 2017 at 17:53

The overthinking is fairly common, and often goes away as you get more life experience. If it's affecting your ability to enjoy your life you can consider therapy; I can attest to that being a rewarding experience even though it doesn't magically make everything easy.

When all is going well in a relationship, this kind of angst doesn't happen. You both make it pretty clear you like spending time together and want to keep doing it. So feeling the way you do doesn't indicate all is going well, but alone does not indicate what the problem is. It could be that she is not very interested in you, so the anxiety comes from the fact you wish she would be. Or it could be that you are frustrated at your own inability to progress things, possibly out of fear of the former. You could try a dose of exposing yourself to that which you fear. The worst that can happen is that she isn't interested, but that is still arguably better than the doubt and insecurity you may be continue to have otherwise.

  • I think I am frustrated at my inability to progress anything. While it is nice getting close to her, I'm forcibly limiting myself because I have no idea what she's comfortable with and don't want to push her for fear of her not saying if she is comfortable with what I am doing or not. Would it be a good idea to still try pushing the boundaries? I don't want to come off creepy or pushy or anything, so I guess that's also another thing that could play a part in starting this whole thing in the first place.
    – deiviux90
    Dec 18, 2017 at 17:50
  • Fear of being seen as creepy is an understandable thing that people fear but presumably you know the important things - if she says no then you don't push it, she doesn't owe you a "yes" to anything however small, etc. If your boundaries are preventing you doing anything you want to, you'll simply have to push them. You don't have to become someone you aren't, just view it as taking a little risk at a time.
    – trr
    Dec 18, 2017 at 23:12
  • I'll try pushing them, but is there a way to make her feel confident enough in herself to tell me if she isn't a fan of something? I mean, until recently, she told me that she didn't like people looking over her shoulder when she was working, which I was doing up until that point. But she only told me when I asked her why she was trying to get me to do my own work :T
    – deiviux90
    Dec 20, 2017 at 0:08
  • Hmmm. So she's told you to go and do your own work - this is a sign indicating she's uncomfortable. I don't think this is an issue of her lacking confidence, but that you may have not picked up a signal. Note that people generally don't like people looking over their shoulder while they work. Look, I get the sense that you are worried about coming off as creepy because you really do have difficulty sensing unspoken signals and it's a real issue for you so I can sympathise
    – trr
    Dec 20, 2017 at 0:39

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