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I have a friend (John), whose partner (Jane) I am also friends with. The three of us have hung out together for many years.

I'm unsure when it is considered acceptable to spend time alone with Jane, and if I should take any steps to ensure that John (her partner) doesn't feel betrayed, regardless of what he may say.

Now, I'm well aware that in any healthy relationship there should be a great deal of openness, tolerance, and trust. However I'm not so idealistic as to believe every relationship is as peachy as it appears - If I'm creating stress on another couple, and jeopardising our friendship, then I'd rather wait until the weekend to see them both.

Jane is the only person I know who works near me, so I'm not left with the option of seeing another person, or inviting a third party. I've grabbed coffee with her a few times, and I feel guilty having not said anything to John. I know that if I had a girlfriend, I certainly wouldn't want him to be frequently calling her out to lunch, regardless of how much I trusted them. It'd make me first feel jealous, betrayed and insufficient, and then later probably guilty and various other emotions of self-deprecation, for having thought badly of friend and partner meeting up for food. At the same time, I fully realise that everyone is free and independent, and has a right to make their own decisions. It's certainly not up to John to dictate who Jane sees, but here are some of my concerns:

  1. Should I continue having lunch, as frequently as I want, with Jane?
  2. Should I have a chat with my friend John, so that I can be sure that I have his approval?
  3. Am I making too big of a deal out of this?

How can I go out to lunch with a friend's partner with him not feeling betrayed?

closed as off-topic by JAD, Tinkeringbell, mag, A J, NVZ Dec 21 '17 at 8:31

  • This question does not appear to be about interpersonal skills, within the scope defined in the help center.
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because we're not here to make decisions for you. If you want our help on how to possibly have a chat with John, that may be something we might be able to help you with though, but then please focus your question accordingly – Tinkeringbell Dec 21 '17 at 8:12
  • @user02642623 : I've edited, hopefully to improve. Please let us know and feel free to rollback. – OldPadawan Dec 21 '17 at 9:03
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    It has indeed been turned into an IPS question, but is this the one the OP wanted to ask? They didn't modify the question themself and the only actual questions of the original post are now merely "concerns". Unless the OP clarifies what their IPS-suitable question is, I don't think it should be reopened. – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Dec 27 '17 at 9:33
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I'm well aware that in any healthy relationship there should be a great deal of openness, tolerance, and trust.

With this one, you have already aswered yourself.

To this, it must be clarified that

persons are not objects who undergo private property

A sentimental relationship in which a person can't see/visit/go out for lunch with friends or acquaintances is

highly toxic

as it sounds like being on a dog collar/leash.

Please notice that you are having lunch or talking about pokémons: where's the betrayal in that?

Additionally, please note that John should trust you too, if you really are friends, not Jane only.

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    "Additionally, please note that John should trust you too, if you really are friends, not Jane only." +1 – Mafii Dec 21 '17 at 11:08

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