Is it socially acceptable to dismiss a compliment? [closed]

Question

Sometimes I get compliments like: "good job on making that website" or that I look nice or something. I often say that much more people look better or I could have done the site better, or even saying that I didn't do a good job.

So my question: Is is socially acceptable to dismiss a compliment? Or is that considered as "rude"?

BTW, I put the autism tag there just because I am an autist

Answer 1

Yes, directly dismissing a compliment is rude, and will be frustrating to the person who gave the compliment.

With that said, you aren't required to agree with them to graciously accept the compliment. It might also be helpful to keep in mind that they aren't saying you did a perfect job or that you're the most gorgeous person on the planet. When someone gives a compliment, they are focusing on the bits that they like. It's their prerogative to like what they like, so there is no reason to argue with them over it.

Imagine how you would feel if every time you spoke well of something, someone else denigrated it. You say you like a movie, and they say it's awful. You comment on a pretty dress, and they say it's hideous. It'll quickly become discouraging, won't it? That's how people feel when you regularly dismiss their compliments of you. You're telling them the things they like are actually terrible, which is insulting and dismissive.

That's not to say you can never disagree, of course, but you shouldn't make it a constant habit, and you should try to do so in a positive way. Instead of responding to a compliment on your appearance with, "No, I look like a mess!" try something like "you really think so? The wind made a total mess of my hair on the way over; I think it looks like I didn't even brush it this morning." Then they might agree your hair is a disaster but they love your outfit, or they might say they happen to like your messy hairdo. The difference between the two responses is instead of outright saying they are completely wrong, you are giving your own specific opinion. Don't push this though; you should accept the compliment without objection the second time, and don't do this too often.

Answer 2

Rude would be arguing with the compliment. An honest gracious response is, generally, not rude.

Humility is also important, which you seem to have a good deal of. That's a good thing as well.

I understand your struggle with human interactions. There's never a good rule of "if this, then do that" or if there is, there are a ton of exceptions to that rule.

The best thing to do is simply say, "Really? Thanks!" and leave it at that. If there's a way to share credit, that goes a long way as well. Something like (for the website), "It wasn't just me; I worked with a team. I'll pass that along." If it's that you look nice, something like (if it's true), "My SO helped me select that" or "the salesperson thought this would look good"

@RRauenza added an excellent point: deflection can also be a valid response. For example, WRT the web page: "Thanks! I/The team worked really hard on it!" Or WRT clothing: "Thanks! I spent quite a while picking it out." I'd only do this if true, and not with every compliment.

I wouldn't deny every compliment; that can seem like false humility. Accept it, smile, say thank you, and move on. Don't get too hung up on motivation - be happy that someone noticed whatever it is.

Answer 3

I think in most situations, coming off as rude is going to depend a lot on your tone. I feel like one of the safest answers to nicely dismissing a compliment might be to preface it with 'thanks':

"Thanks, but I feel like I could've made the interface more user friendly."

"Thanks, I feel like I could've done better."

"Thanks, even though I feel like I look gross today."

Saying "thanks" first isn't necessarily agreeing with the compliment, but that you appreciate them trying to make the effort to appreciate your work/appearance/etc.

This is important because the biggest risk you run when dismissing a compliment is not in your disagreement with the individual's opinion, but in making someone who is making an effort to try to compliment you feel invalidated of an opinion by a response that might seem aggressive (immediately pointing out all the reasons why they're wrong).

Saying "thanks, but -" or "thanks, even though I feel -" helps iterate that you heard them and aren't (bluntly put) implying they are stupid for saying whatever they said (i.e. What's your problem that you can't you see all these imperfections I'm pointing out to you?), before pointing out the reasons why you disagree with them.

Basically, saying "thanks" is really saying "thanks for seeing the good things" before you point out the flaws to them.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with saying thanks. If someone gives you a compliment and you are proud of what you did, you can just say thank you to them. If you put a lot of effort in the website or your appearance and you feel glad they noticed, you can definitely say thank you.

If you didn't feel like it was your best (maybe you see the flaws others don't), then you can say thanks but then say afterwards what makes you hesitate. "Thanks, I wasn't sure about x,y,z".

The real important thing is to be honest and genuine in your response. Don't pretend to be humble if you are proud of your work. If you're proud, say thank you! If you're hesitant, then say thanks but talk about why you're not sure about it. There is no need to reject the compliment.

Remember too that how you portray yourself is really important in professional environments. If a client paid you to make a website and then complimented you on it, don't put yourself down! Have faith in your abilities and what you do. If you don't have confidence in your abilities, why would a potential client have confidence in you?

Answer 5

In some cultures (eg some Asian cultures) it is more socially acceptable to "deny" it than to accept it unchallenged, such as by saying "It's not as good as I wanted" or "I could have done better". But this doesn't really exist in western culture.

In general I would say there is nothing rude about doing this, as long as you put it like this. It would be a problem only if you were to question or insult the person giving the compliment, such as by implying they have bad taste if they liked that. But that's definitely not what you were suggesting.

Here's some different responses to a compliment:

• Thanking them for the compliment.

  Always appropriate and acceptable. You can add "I was happy with how it turned out too" or something. Note: the only exception to this is if you come from one of the cultures I mentioned before where you're expected to feign it.

• Giving other people credit

  This is seen as gracious and polite and very appropriate when other people really did contribute to the final result.

• Thanking them, but saying you could have done better or you aren't happy with the result.

  This is fine. I don't see any problem with it.

• Not thanking them, and implying that they are wrong to compliment you

  This is slightly rude. For example, if you say "You sure? It's not really that good" you are questioning their judgement.

• Not thanking them, and explicitly insulting them for having such poor judgement.

  Obviously avoid this.

Answer 6

The 'autism' tag is extremely relevant here and your self-description as autistic gives us a major clue why you would feel like denying a compliment.

I am no expert on autism but have read in multiple places that some persons with autism give much importance to the literal truth of a statement. Example: it's a nasty rainy day and for some reason

a random stranger says: "nice weather ain't it!" (may be either an innocent social statement or a sarcastic/ ironic comment); a person with autism might say in response : "no, it's nasty wet weather."

In that context your question is very relevant because, as noted by so many previous answers here, denying a compliment in a direct way (because you consider the statement literally untrue) can be interpreted as needlessly ill-mannered in certain cultures including Europe and USA. Whereas a humble self-deprecating 'denial' is actually expected in many Asian cultures!

In your case, may I suggest that along with understanding why you might feel like denying the compliment, you would also find it useful to think about why people pay someone a compliment in the first place:

1. paying someone a compliment is a typical social behavior aimed at expressing appreciation and being nice to people, which is a basic human need.
2. Compliments are also the "currency" of niceness and serve as building blocks of social bonding.
3. Moreover, the need for approval is a very strong motivating factor for most individuals engaging in interpersonal interactions, and compliments are a major means of providing that (reward of) social approval.
4. In short, giving and receiving compliments is an important form of friendly social interaction.

So people either really appreciate you or your work -- there's a very high chance of that -- or else they want to be nice, which is a typical friendly action. In both cases it is socially useful and 'expected' behavior to accept the compliment either non-verbally with a nod and a smile, or verbally with a simple "thanks."

However, if you feel like denying it politely, there is a classic response:

thanks, but you are too kind!

No need to explain why. Thus you can have your cake and eat it too.

Answer 7

Another way to accept the compliment and note that you aspire to do better (I think part of what's important to you is setting high standards) is to say,

Thanks, I learned a lot from this project--next time I work on something like this I will add x because it would enhance y.

In that case, someone might get excited about your idea and they could help make it happen on the existing project. If not, it shows that you are focused, observant, and have good ideas while also recognizing that nothing is perfect.

Answer 8

It will very likely be rude, awkward, or both, to deny a compliment.

There is no social etiquette in central Europe (that I am aware of) that tells you to deny praise. So, one perfectly fine way to answer is to simply say "thank you".

Seeing that you added the autism tag, I assume that things like this do not come naturally to you. You can actually practice to do that. I know that if you are in that situation, you may feel insecure how to respond. If you have a ready-made answer ("thank you"), you can just spool that off, and be done with it.

Try to deliver it sincerely with a smile, but not going excited and glowing all over, and it will be nice for the complimenter as well, and a mature response.

Answer 9

It's rude to deny a compliment, in the Netherlands.

So, just swallow your opinion and say: "Thank you." or "Dank je.". Nothing more is needed. If you a appreciate the help you have gotten from others, you can give them praise as well. Things like: "I have had help from ...".

Why is this so? Dutch culture, in the east and north more so then the south and west, is direct and to the point. Praise is earned, with hard work. Some one went out of their way to compliment you.

Now, you might not agree to others praise: you might still see (mayor) flaws in what you have made. Some one else might have done it better. But they did not do so. (or even if they did it better) Your opinion on the compliment might be right. Their compliment does not change the actual product. File the compliment somewhere, and unless you care about the persons opinion you leave it there.

*Source: Dutch myself.

Answer 10

We must not oppose a belief, contrary to the facts. Do not respond negatively to a belief like "good work", but answer a simple "Thank you" or nothing at all if you are against the idea, or comfort it in its belief if you share it.

Later, when you talk about facts, construction, security or others, you can contradict it with your personal experience.

• "Your website is beautiful." → belief
• "Your site is the most beautiful." → fact
• "Your site can not be more beautiful." → belief
• "I have never seen such a beautiful site." → fact

For management methods or work, I refer you to the maieutics.

Answer 11

Somewhat difficult to answer, given we don't know where you are from. Different cultures tackle this in different ways, in some western cultures it can be considered rude to disagree, whereas in, say, Japan, you're almost required to do so, even if you do agree.

Most cultures I've seen actually go in shades of grey of this, as in, it's rude to outright deny it, but you have some leeway to work around it. I say that because I too have struggled with this in the past, coming from a culture in which not only is it required to accept the compliment, but also to compliment the person back (think like 'you look nice', 'oh thanks, you too').

What I normally do: first express that you disagree with it, and then express gratitude that the other person thinks so high of you. As such: "you did a great job with that website!" "really? I thought it turned out so-so at best, by I'm glad to see it pleased you". What I've seen is that more people are left unphased by your dismissal if you end it in a positive note, than if you first say thanks and then disagree (or if you just disagree and that's it).

Answer 12

I think you may be misinterpreting the purpose of a compliment a little.

Typically, people give compliments because they want to make the other person feel good about themselves (I often give compliments I know aren't strictly accurate because I know hearing it would make the other person happy). You said in a comment, "I just feel like I didn't earn the compliment, so I don't feel comfortable with it", but lets look at an example.

If someone says "good job on making that website", I don't think they're necessarily saying:

"this is an objectively impressive thing you've done"

but rather:

"I want you to know I think you've done something impressive."

Which is (I think) a subtle but pretty big difference.

It's true that you could argue you haven't done something impressive. However, you can't argue that they shouldn't want to tell you that you have. That part is objectively true, and honestly, if you responded with "you shouldn't want to tell me that", that might be a little rude.

In that sense, it's hard to say you didn't "earn" a compliment, because compliments aren't strictly attached to merit. In a weird way, if someone gives you a compliment, that means you've already earned it; you've already done something that makes that person want you to feel good about yourself.

All in all, I think it's ok to deny that your accomplishment is as impressive as they're saying. However, this can't be done by denying that you "deserve" a compliment at all, and it can't be done too often. It's important to be mindful of why this person is giving you a compliment. Most of the time, you'll find it isn't to make an objective fact about you. Rather, it's to make you feel good about yourself, and usually getting mired down in whether or not you've done something "worthy" of feeling good is missing the point.

Answer 13

When they say you did a good job they might compare to if they would have done it, so it can be interpreted as rude. ("My worst is better than your best").

Also i think you should maybe cut yourself some slack. You can always do something better given more time/energy, but sometime you need to be done also. Even masterpieces of famous artists could probably have been better if they would put more time into it. So you can interpret "good job" as "good job (for the constraints given)".

Answer 14

I can't help thinking of the standard Mexican response to thanks:

de nada

Which does not mean "it was nothing, I had it done before breakfast because I'm so uber"... But more like "it was no trouble/ no great effort / not worth thanking me for".

So there is a Western precedent for the type of "you're welcome" that you are trying to give.

Answer 15

I don't like to deny compliments because

1) It could potentially make the other person feel they have a lapse in judgement.

2) They will probably disagree, which leads to them just trying to force the compliment on you.

3) It can be generally off-putting, it's like refusing a verbal gift.

Instead just smile and say thank you, then change the subject.

Answer 16

Truthfully NO it is not rude. I feel people these days understand that everyone is simply different. Some people for tonnes of reason's are what other people might call indifferent and don't like being complimented especially infront of certain people or in public. I feel the "some people" understand this for the most part and won't be offended if you deny it in a respectable manner.

How to respectfully decline a compliment would be explaining how you feel about the thing you are being complimented for after the initial declination.

But to really answer the question I think it is most important to be entirely honest and truthful. We live in a time at present where people lie (politicians especially, though I will stay on topic haha) and sometimes it is easier to just lie. It is important to be honest and true as it will make you a better person. So as long as you sincerely believe you don't deserve the compliment then I say it is fine to decline. If you are just socially awkward then that is fine too but make sure it is done respectfully and that you are mindful that you are not being entirely truthful.

TLDR; Be honest and tell the truth, or be mindful that you are not and it is actually effecting you as a person.