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How I met her:

  • She's a friend of my EX with whom I was in a long distance relationship (countries apart) and when my EX broke up with me, she offered me help, support and listened to me complaining about my break up for months.

About my female friend:

  • Feels uncomfortable about her gender. Deep down, she is very sure that she was never meant to be a girl right from the beginning and doesn't want to be a girl
  • Has dated both genders but all the relationships were terrible
  • She has gotten obese since highschool and isn't happy about how she looks
  • Has intense pressure of being a music student
  • Her anxiety is to that level that she avoids social interaction and avoids speaking as much as she can
  • Lost interest in all things in life
  • Doesn't really have any friends who are "active" in her life
  • Sessions with psychologist doesn't help much either

Long story short:

  • I'm too busy to help her "online" but I worry about her a lot. How do I help her?

closed as too broad by Crazy Cucumber, Em C, Tycho's Nose, NVZ, Catija Jan 3 '18 at 15:40

Please edit the question to limit it to a specific problem with enough detail to identify an adequate answer. Avoid asking multiple distinct questions at once. See the How to Ask page for help clarifying this question. If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • 1
    "How do I help her?" is pretty broad. Can you describe a more concrete goal? Like you want to help her finf the professional help she needs? You want to be a good listener/reader? Maybe you want to help het cope with her/his problems? Or a combination of these or other goals? – DarkPurpleShadow Jan 3 '18 at 15:17
  • This question seems to me like its too broad. Can you narrow your question down to a conversation-centric one? Wherein, you ask for suggestions on things you can say in certain situations and words you can choose to help her. – Crazy Cucumber Jan 3 '18 at 15:18
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    "Deep down, she is very sure that she was never meant to be a girl right from the beginning and doesn't want to be a girl" Have they told you it's still okay for you to use feminine pronouns when referring to them? If not, you're misgendering them, and that's certainly not going to help their depression. – F1Krazy Jan 3 '18 at 15:29
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Be "normal" for her, and remain non-judgemental.

Instead of internet "chatting" (I'm assuming this is what you're doing), move over to writing letters via email. Tell her what you're doing in your life, normal things that she might find interesting. Try not to ask for her help on anything.

Hopefully, this will give her something to look forward to getting in her inbox that doesn't demand answers, justification, or throw judgements at her.

The idea here is that you're not intentionally ignoring her sources of anxiety, but you're offering an escape from them.

This may or may not work, depending on how needful she is about her own issues.

It's possible that she might feel as though you're throwing your "normalcy" at her, so start slowly. Talk about yourself, and allow her to talk about herself if she needs to.

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