Coworker scans my body. How to best tell him to stop?

Question

So, a (male) coworker of mine has the annoying habit of scanning my (female) body each time he walks by. By "scanning" I mean he's looking me up and down; essentially making it clear he is looking at my entire body.

Most of the time this happens while I am boiling some water to make myself a tea, and each time it feels as if he believed I am nothing but a piece of meat. I didn't see him doing it to other female coworkers, but the other two are in some other part of the building. I have never seem him doing this to men.

To be clear, the clothing I wear is as covering as I can wear without appearing strange (no kendo clothing!). Like there is nothing interesting/sexy to see there, especially not if it's like the 100th time you scanned my body.

What I have tried so far is to avoid him, which helped a bit. I haven't mentioned it directly to him yet and it's possible he's unaware he's doing it. If he did it only at the beginning, I wouldn't even remember, but it's each time he sees me if I'm not obviously looking directly at him. I'm not 100% sure this is sexualised harassment, but it's very annoying in any case.

So, next time he does this I want him to know I notice he is doing this, that he is creeping me out with his attitude, and especially I want him to stop. How can I best approach this? In part I want to make it difficult for him to make excuses later like "he didn't know that was bothering me".

Answer 1

In these situations you want to put people on the spot without setting them on fire (because being too confrontational in the workplace can be an issue).

Next time you see him doing this, I'd say:

"Excuse me, can I help you?" (Or even without the 'excuse me' bit if you just want to be direct)

"Um... No, I'm just passing through."

"Okay. I noticed you were looking at me, so it seemed like you needed something," and proceed to go back to doing what you were doing.

When you say it, say it confidently. Say it as though you are grilling him, because you kind of are. The point is to give off the vibe of "I'm frustrated with you, and I'm making you aware of it" without putting yourself in an even more vulnerable position.

If the embarrassment of being blatantly addressed doesn't deter him and he keeps doing this, you'll need to be more direct.

"My eyes are up here," or another similar comment that blatantly expresses to him to quit.

If nothing you are able to do can deter his behavior, I'd recommend speaking to someone in your company's HR department. They're meant to handle disputes and uncomfortable situations, and it's their role to make sure their workplace is a safe and comfortable space for everyone to minimize legal risk that can result from sexual harassment. They might even be able to help you find more appropriate seating or location arrangements within your building.

Editors Note: As can be seen in the chat discussion linked below, every company can contain wildly varying HR policies. Some can be very helpful and understanding, while others might be more cold and distant. Weigh the pros and cons, you probably know your company best. However, I will say that if he doesn't stop at your request, your only other options are to try using HR as a resource or leave your job for a better environment.

Answer 2

Just tell him straight

You know you're staring at me, don't you?

Or the well-used option

My eyes are up here

Or just look at him while he's looking at you. Sooner or later, he'll see that you know he's staring at you and start feeling uncomfortable.

Getting embarrassed into admitting the obvious sometimes does wonders, and being so straight about it should shake something into him.

Answer 3

I think a direct approach that talks about your feeling without implying any particular motive to him, is probably best.

For example, "It makes me uncomfortable the way you scan my body whenever I pass by. I don't want to start a big argument, but please stop it."

He may just say "sorry." If so, just say "Okay," and leave.

If he argues, don't argue. Just say, "I let you know, I was just hoping to avoid making a formal complaint." and walk away.

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Added to address commentary. (That commentary was deleted: For context, some readers doubted whether a formal complaint, or the threat of one, could be taken seriously "just for looking appreciatively" at the body of a coworker.)

Are Leering, Gestures and Staring sexual harassment? An excerpt it below. This is written by a law firm, btw.

While not all gestures or stares are meant to be sexual, some are very clearly inappropriate. Leering, which is a sly, lascivious look or sideways glance suggesting a sexual interest or malicious intent, is an unwelcome and persistent kind of staring that constitutes harassment.

2nd Add: Further information on sexual harassment; same law firm, emphasis mine:

Employers are prohibited from harassing employees in the workplace. In addition, they must take immediate action to stop harassment by employees and management and they are supposed to take reasonable steps to prevent harassment from occurring in the first place.

Also, from Lawyers.com:

Sexual harassment means conduct is unwelcome. If an employee agrees or consents, it's welcome and not harassment. Employers and courts need to look at situations as a whole in deciding whether an event was welcome or not.

Sexual harassment takes many forms. It can be verbal, nonverbal, written, visual or physical. There's no one exact way to be harassed.

Since "unwelcome" is a subjective term, without evidence of consent by the offended party, and given the legal requirement on employers that they must take immediate action, once a formal complaint is made the accused is typically treated harshly, and the less power they have in the company the more harsh it is. If it is not illegal or a breach of contract, immediate dismissal is not uncommon. Otherwise, immediate reassignment or forced leave of absence might be legal options.

In my comments (deleted by a moderator) I had said sexual harassment is in the eyes of the victim: This is what I meant by that.

I will add too my understanding that it make no difference if the harassment was made many times without the victim reporting it: Not reporting harassment is not implied consent. Victims can explain they thought it would stop and/or were worried that reporting the harassment could get them fired, or reassigned, denied promotion or important assignments, or in general be seen as a trouble maker and not a "team player".

In other words, the victim might claim the workplace and upper management felt hostile to such complaints. Thus the defense, by claiming implied consent as their excuse, could bolster the idea in the minds of the jury that the workplace was hostile and it was reasonable for the victim to assume negative consequences if harassment was reported, which in turn could make the jury more sympathetic to the long term sexual harassment suffered by the victim.

Look at the settlements on the first website, the Los Angeles law firm is showing $300K+ settlements against firms. They can easily run double that if management makes even an exploratory attempt to dismiss the complaint as unfounded, non-serious, or implied consent: Juries may see such behavior as indicative of a corporate culture permissive of sexual harassment in general, and decide severe monetary punishment is in order to change that culture. We could expect lawyers for the offended to strongly encourage that view, since larger settlements are always in the best interest of their client.

Answer 4

I'm going to offer up an alternative solution that doesn't assume the worst about this coworker.

You can't control other people's behavior (this is especially true when it's nothing but someone moving their eyes), but you can control your feelings. It makes you uncomfortable because you are being presumptuous about why he is scanning you--e.g. that he's scanning you because he views you as a piece of meat. Perhaps try seeing if he scans everyone. Maybe it's just the way he is (we're not all as conscientious as the most socially adept of us). Maybe he finds you attractive. Maybe you aren't wearing revealing clothes, but you're wearing interesting clothes, and he's observing them.

Try talking to him next time he walks by, or at the very least, greeting him. This does not mean you should be smiling, flirtatious, or even friendly. Just a simple, civil, pursed lip "Hey, how's it going". That should force him to move his gaze up to say hi (again, presuming he is not socially awkward about meeting people's eyes). It'll also make him more cognizant of the fact that you're paying attention to him when he comes by, and that you notice each and every time he comes by. This could prevent him from scanning if it's something he's only comfortable doing when he feels you're not paying attention.

If none of this works, I would try mentioning something benign as he is scanning, like "oh do I have something on my clothes?". This might cause him to stop scanning without making for awkward conversation.

Finally, if all else fails, I would simply say, "Hey I notice that you seem to look me over when you walk by, something that you don't do with anyone else. Maybe you don't mean anything by it, or even notice you do it, but it does make me a little uncomfortable. I would really appreciate it if you tried to not look me over so intently when walking by me." But I do believe that if he was being "malicious" in his scanning (however one might define that), that he could make the situation quite weird by saying that it's not your call to tell him where he can point his eyes (playing Devil's advocate here).

tl;dr Everyone should be able to feel comfortable and respected, but there are also things you can't control, and battles that aren't worth fighting. This is one of them. Part of going through life is learning about not letting people get under your skin. They can only do that when you let them

Answer 5

TL;DR: "I feel like you stare at me a lot. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable."

First, you need to be very careful if you accuse the person of anything formally. This is the type of thing that would be easy to deny even if it is true, and there is also the possibility that the "like a piece of meat" part is not true.

What you describe could be, but is not necessarily, harassment.

A view into the other side of the fence

When I read your question, I immediately thought of one of my female coworkers, and I'm male. Why? Because I take special notice of her and look at her more than other women in my work place. Why would I be so creepy (used extremely loosely)? Because she wears interesting clothes. She sometimes wears nice dresses, scarves, or other clothes that attract my attention. I stare at these things, but also this causes me to stare more even when she's dressed plainly.

I am not attracted sexually, or even physically, to this woman at all. I know that she is nice looking even in plain clothing, but I like her only as a friend (sometimes as a motherly type of friend, and I appreciate that since I'm like an absent-minded-professor type).

People do not wear interesting clothes assuming that everyone is ignoring their apparel. If that were the case, more people would wear sweat pants and a t-shirt to work and nobody would care. People wear interesting clothes precisely because they do want to look more interesting.

In the case of the woman I mentioned above, I have noticed a few times that I have stared at her for too long. For example, one time she was wearing a scarf with images of flowers on it, and I realized I was examining the flowers long enough that it'd be awkward if anyone noticed, so I stopped.

There is another woman in my office who once wore a dress with a certain print on it, and I caught myself examining the dress print for a while. Usually though, it's just the 1 person I initially mentioned who I do this to.

This cannot be sexual harassment, that would be literally impossible precisely because there is nothing sexual about it at all in any way whatsoever. You could argue that it is general harassment perhaps, though that sounds like a large stretch.

If this woman said to me any of the rude things suggested by other answerers here, may well ignore her, or say something like "I'm not going to walk around with my eyes closed, and you happen to be in front of me." But if she were to notice and politely let me know that she would like me to stop, then I would be more likely to try and stop myself. I could not guarantee that it will never happen again, as eyes wander when you're not thinking about it, but I would make a conscious effort to make her feel more comfortable.

A gentle approach

So whatever you do, don't overreact, be careful in your accusations, and don't be a jerk.

I would suggest "I feel like you stare at me a lot. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable." Simple, not accusing, open-ended, gentle, short. If the response is denial, you could try responding with "Just be careful what you stare at." If the response is affirming and sounds completely innocent, "Well it makes me uncomfortable, so I don't appreciate it." If affirming and containing anything derogative, dismissing, or negative in any way, that's your queue to make a case, and you can respond on the spot if you're up to it with "Well it feels like harassment to me, so it needs to stop immediately."

Whatever his response, your initial moves after that should act accordingly. I would be quite embarrassed to receive such a question, and that would be all I need to avoid the person, and I would probably apologize even though I was not harassing. But I know men who would not be phased at all and might even act worse after that. In fact, I know of one instance where a man retaliated by telling a woman, in front of co-workers, that she looked like a hooker because of her tall, black boots.

Be prepared for anything! It could be nothing, but it could get quite sour.

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Tangent

Friendly advise based on the wise comment by @PoloHoleSet:

If you find yourself in my position mentioned above in the "other side" section, it might be a good idea to say something to the person so that you can attempt to set their reaction.

Even if it seems awkward, trying to provide a "Nice outfit." at least once might change the perspective of the person being viewed. Just be very careful how you say it, and keep it simple, to avoid accidentally causing the problem you're trying to avoid.

In OP's case, if the viewer had ever made a casual, friendly comment about her shoes, for example, then she might feel very differently.

Answer 6

I see some people's answers, and they are very passive aggressive. There is nothing wrong with asking him, when you are 1 on 1, why he is looking you up and down every time he passes by.

Whatever his response, let him know you feel it is physical attraction, and not appreciated. Let him know it is a professional work environment, and you don't feel this is professional behavior.

Also, start a paper trail! Bringing heavy accusations all at once is tough for a manager to deal, but letting them know it occurs over weeks or months, it's easier for them to see a pattern of behavior. I've done this, and my emails usually start with "Hey, I wanted to let you know about something that has been happening. I don't need any intervention, but I wanted to let you know in case it escalates." And then describe the behavior. If it continues, you have a written paper trail to refer to.

Answer 7

It may be very different in other countries but in Russia our girls do it plain simple. I had that once myself, I liked a girl at work, she was very sexy and her voice was amazing so I often looked at her and listened to her speaking. Well, one day she just asked me directly why I was staring at her and I just said that she was very beautiful. She actually liked my compliment and since then we were friends. Surely you may not want to be friends with the person who likes you (otherwise why would he scan you) but I still think that a direct approach is the best choice.

We are all just people you know. You may ask him why he's doing it. If he's a maniac then you can tell your boss, if he is shy to tell you how much he likes you then you can either help him if you aren't shy yourself or tell him that his behavior bothers you and is in fact very abusing. I wouldn't call this harassment since he is just looking.

Anyway, he's a co-worker and you are bound to come across each other often so it's best to avoid conflict and get friendly. Just try to find out why he's doing it. Take a friend of yours along if you are afraid of the consequences.

Answer 8

I feel many of the answers here are assuming too much and escalating too quickly.

Giving another person the benefit of the doubt, especially in a setting where you will interact with them again in the future, can often be more productive. Even if the person is doing wrong, leaving them a face-saving way out can do miracles for the future work climate.

I would start without aggression and escalate in steps. You've ignored his behaviour so far, so working your way up slowly doesn't sound like it would be impossibly demanding.

Step One: Let him know that you know. Try to catch his eyes when he is in the "up" part of "looking up and down", and simply say "hi" or "hello" or whatever an appropriate office greeting is in your environment.

Step Two: If he keeps doing it after he should have seen that you noticed him, it is time for one of the friendly verbal putting-on-notice answers already given. "Can I help you?" is the best, IMHO, as it is the least aggressive.

Step Three: If he didn't get the clue, now is the time to be blunt, but still not aggressive. "I notice you seem to stare at me a lot. Why?" The small word "seem" gives him a last option out, but it will only work if he immediately stops doing it. And ending with a question puts him on the spot, as common behaviour requires him to answer.

Step Four: Some people are just dense, or socially awkward. So if he does it again after step three, it's time to clearly voice what you want: "Ok, you are staring at me. I do not like it. Please stop doing that."

Step Five: Involve a manager or HR. You gave him every chance, you asked him clearly to stop, he didn't. Time to destroy him. From here on out, it is a confrontation.

All of this might seem like a long way, but if you actually reach step five, and you kept notes of the other steps (write down at least the date and time, the location and what yours and his reactions were), then you are perfectly set up for a confrontation even if it involves HR, the legal department or even lawyers and courts. Nobody can ask more of you than what you did, you were patient, you were clear, you pointed out what he is doing wrong (staring at you), why it is wrong (you don't like it) and that he should stop doing it. There are legal terms for all of that which I don't know in English (not my native language), but it can be important that you didn't immediately escalate to a confrontation. If you can stand it for a few more days and go through these steps, it can only work to your advantage.

Answer 9

I'd try to embarrass him out of it

Make eye contact and look annoyed, this should be enough for most normal people.

If he still persists, address him directly in a playful tone when (preferably) someone's around.

Eyes up here bud

If it still carries on, ask him to stop directly and tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

If he still does it after all that, go through your workplaces HR channels and procedures.

Answer 10

a (male) coworker of mine has the annoying habit of scanning my (female) body each time he walks by

This seems like improper behavior to me. Even when it is the other way around: a woman scanning a man's body for the 100th time. I can imagine this would make you feel self-conscious.

I think, but this may depend on the country you're living in, you firmly utter a rhetorical question:

coworker: [scanning body]

you: What are you looking at?

you: [angrily scanning body]

You could even scan his body back to make clear what you mean. If he still doesn't get it, you might want to discuss it with your boss.

Answer 11

An innocent or less aggressive way to confront him is perhaps to ask:

"Is there something on my clothes?"

When he replies in the negative, you can follow up with:

"You were staring/I notice you appear to scan my clothing sometimes, and wondered if there was some lint stuck to my clothes".

This may alert him to the fact people notice him staring too long or create an opening for you to find out more.

Answer 12

You mentioned staying away which suggests avoidance which is apt to be taken as inviting. Your solution is direct eye-to-eye contact, nothing more nothing less, to stop the perception that said scanning is going unnoticed or tacitly accepted. The point, to some degree, is to inflict embarrassment as well as to change the focus of the scanning eyes. When inappropriate behavior does not go unnoticed, it tends to stop.

Answer 13

Since you are obviously wearing clothes when he "scans" you, there is the possibility that he is attracted to your clothes.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-psychology-dress/201004/what-men-wear-what-it-means-what-men-want-women-wear-and-why

Sometimes the answer to "how do I confront him" may actually be: I'd advise you not to be too hasty. Because in some cases (such as misunderstandings or lack of communication), confrontations simply make things worse. You say the guy "scans" you. You assume there is something sexual about that behavior, but don't know for sure, quote: "I'm not 100% sure this is sexualised harassment, but it's very annoying..."

Simply being annoyed with someone you are not even on speaking terms with, isn't reason enough to accuse someone of seriously inappropriate behavior. If you were on speaking terms with your co-worker, you wouldn't be so confused about his motivations. It wouldn't take long to find out whether there was anything to be seriously concerned about. And if you for whatever reason just don't want to talk to him, then you should at least understand that snubbing him probably makes him feel uncomfortable.

And presuming the guilt of someone you apparently don't know very well, if at all, without rational evidence of wrong-doing, is both extremely humiliating for him, and very unwise on your part.

Being unnecessarily confrontational is not very skillful social conduct, and I'm sorry to see that so many answers have encouraged it.

But let's assume for a moment that your intuition is correct: he's a creep. You can accuse people of being creepy, but it doesn't usually go over very well, for all concerned. The best way to handle creeps and stalkers, who are too sneaky to get caught (yet), is to steer clear of them. And since there already is apparently no real communication between you, you only see him occasionally in the break room, and his worse crime is just looking at your clothes -- that shouldn't be too difficult.

UPDATE: (Advice on how to handle the specific situation which is uncomfortable for you.)

The next moment you are certain that he is "scanning your body", immediately turn to him, making direct eye contact (if he doesn't make eye contact, you may briefly point your finger, to get his attention), and say:

"Listen here, I want you to stop staring at my body."

If he denies it, say, "Just stop it. I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. No more discussion, no excuses. I see what you've been doing; it's been going on for far too long now, and I've had enough. I'm not going to put up with it."

You should be perfectly calm, not scared or angry (remember, you said he is "usually nice"); but absolutely firm, and not willing to back down from your demand for respect. Let him see from your attitude that you're serious, not joking or hysterical.

Your intent is not to attack him -- it is only to set proper boundaries. You want to let him know in no uncertain terms, that the workplace calls for propriety at all times, even in the break-room or lounge. But keep your message as brief and comprehensible as possible.

Opening the door to allow excuses on his part, only suggests that you are not absolutely sure of his guilt. And if he doesn't apologize or show proper conduct in the future, it is time to file a complaint.

The key is, pinpoint the problem, then pinpoint the solution:

Problem : "You're staring at me." Solution : "Stop it."

Problem : Co-worker is harassing me. Solution : File a formal complaint.

If the guy really is "usually nice", then you may be able to address the problem with him personally, as illustrated above.

But if the guy is a "creep", it may be necessary to file a formal complaint with your supervisor, in order to set the proper boundaries.

As I see it, in this and many other cases, solving ambiguity is the key issue. The presumed guilty party may be purposefully acting in an ambiguous manner, which may seem abusive or may just be some sort of misunderstanding between the parties involved. But you have no control over their actions, so your role is to decide for yourself what is really happening.

You can take the position that they are indeed guilty, in which case you need to address the presumed abuse in a timely and self-confident manner.

Or, you can give the person in question the benefit of the doubt, at least for the time you need to better acquaint yourself with their true motives.

As I said at the beginning of my answer, and it should bear repeating: it is unwise to presume someone guilty of really serious and embarrassing behavior, without real evidence. Simply feeling annoyed or suspicious about someone, is not enough basis for ruining their reputation.