11

Last summer I met this girl at a festival. I had this almost instant feeling she's perfect girlfriend material. Turns out though that just a few days earlier she'd fallen for another guy at the festival and they ended up going on a trip afterwards. We did however continue chatting and bonding during the rest of the festival, talking about personal things such as relationships and feelings. Afterwards we stayed in touch from time to time checking in on each other. Her relationship with the guy from the festival lasted a few months. When I found out that they'd broken up I didn't see it as an opening for me, instead I felt sad that it hadn't last since I genuinely care for her .

Fast forward to Christmas and she let's me know she'll be close to my town around New years in case I want to meet up. We end up having a really good day together and it would definitely have been a perfect date if it was one. Anyhow, seeing her again only solidified my feelings towards dating her.

I have absolutely no reason to believe that she feels the same way. She's incredibly lovely, both when texting and in person but that's just who she is. Which also is the number one reason I'd like to date her.

I've already decided I need to find out if she's interested and as comments pointed out this is best done face to face. My question is, what is the best way to ask her, ie what phrasing would I use in person? And during what point of the 'date' should I bring it up?

Extra info:

  1. We live in different towns and won't be seeing each other in person anytime soon. Although she suggested on more than one occasion for me to come visit and go to an underground club. (She did this as early as the festival so that doesn't mean anything). I also have other friends in her city I could visit and use that as an excuse to meet up with her.

  2. I'm traveling for 3 months, still writing with her. No calls, but then again I never really talk with anyone on the phone.

  3. We're both in our late 20s with out own apartments in different cities.

  4. She just went back to school and is strapped for cash while I got a solid income and can travel freely.

  • When you check in with each other periodically, is it only through text/social media and/or over the phone? – doctordonna Jan 16 '18 at 4:23
  • How old are the two of you? Can neither of you travel freely? Do either of you have your own place? – user4788 Jan 16 '18 at 4:24
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Having experience with LDRs, your best move at this point would be to plan a way to meet her again, and express your feelings in person, doing it over the phone should only be if there is absolutely no other way. My SO and i live apart from each other and before i decided to fully commit i took a trip down to meet her and do it face-to-face. Just one man's thoughts here. good luck with this mate. Also, when you do tell her be honest and speak about the feelings that came up during the festival, and explain you were not happy when she broke up with the previous guy and the like, make that clear to her.

Edit:

Yeah the last paragraph in Newbie programmer's answer happened personally to me, A girl had a great deal of interest in me and so did i in her but i was way too scared to act upon it and only made it known about 8 months after the feeling struck. She told me i was way too late and thinking i only thought of her as a friend and i didn't move fast enough and her feelings were gone. I didn't give the right responses to fuel the relationship in the romantic department.

TDLR: Act fast, Strike while the iron is hot.

Update:

As for when and how, never do it at the start of the date, if she says no it will be awkward after, do it around the end so it either gives her a reason to exit or for the night (or day) to continue. The words on the other hand i can't really say that's more based on her and you style of communicating. If she's direct then a straightforward question would be good. Style it how you see fit, but always keep in mind that you got to be true with your words and don't change your words or meaning if you think it would get a better response from her.

Hope it goes well mate!

  • Really solid answer coming from personal experience @SomeoneElse! – English Student Jan 18 '18 at 3:58
  • Thanks! Personal experiences are always the best as you really know how it feels to be in that situation. – SomeoneElse Jan 18 '18 at 4:02
  • Your contributions on Interpersonal.SE are much appreciated @SomeoneElse, so please post more such interesting questions and excellent answers this year! – English Student Jan 18 '18 at 4:10
  • I know you answered before I updated the question but I appreciate it non the less. It would be awesome if you updated it on how to phrase the question to her. Cheers. – BeeBop Jan 20 '18 at 3:15
  • Yes my friend this is too common, a lot of times us guys forget that many people may be vying for her attention. While I wouldn't call it a competition, but feelings and emotions change from month to month. You never know the person who you think can be your soulmate, may meet who they believe is their soul mate any day. If you refuse to act soon enough, like magic poof! there feelings may change. – Newbie programmer Feb 1 '18 at 17:10
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Last summer I met this girl at a festival. I had this almost instant feeling she's perfect girlfriend material. Turns out though that just a few days earlier she'd fallen for another guy at the festival and they ended up going on a trip afterwards. We did however continue chatting and bonding during the rest of the festival, talking about personal things such as relationships and feelings. Afterwards we stayed in touch from time to time checking in on each other. Her relationship with the guy from the festival lasted a few months. When I found out that they'd broken up I didn't see it as an opening for me, instead I felt sad that it hadn't last since I genuinely care for her .

While I get that you wanted to interject and ask her about her relationship because you care, avoid doing it. I and other friends of mine have had some very bad experiences doing this, one of my friends got his date so choked up about the ex, she ended up dating him again!.So I state this for two reasons, first off the nature of relationships can be complex and could ultimately change the direction of your conversation to focus on her ex, thereby helping her state of mind focus on him rather than the potential of your future relationship. The next reason you should avoid it is because it could potentially push you into the friend zone if you are too caring and brother like. When you have more time together maybe you may want to cross that path, but until then don't do it.

Fast forward to Christmas and she let's me know she'll be close to my town around New years in case I want to meet up. We end up having a really good day together and it would definitely have been a perfect date if it was one. Anyhow, seeing her again only solidified my feelings towards dating her.

Awesome

I have absolutely no reason to believe that she feels the same way. She's incredibly lovely, both when texting and in person but that's just who she is. Which also is the number one reason I'd like to date her.

Don't assume this, you have a lot to offer my friend, realize you set the standard, if you don't speak up nothing will ever happen, you have to be assertive and be honest this is the only way to go. If you want something you have to go get it, simple as that, hesitation === death. You wouldn't want that wonderful person slipping through your hands.

I've already decided I need to find out if she's interested and as comments pointed out this is best done face to face. My question is, what is the best way to ask her, ie what phrasing would I use in person? And during what point of the 'date' should I bring it up?

You should give her a call, ask her when she's free and tell: Hey I am going to take you out somewhere, you'll like when are you free ? find somewhere in her town that's cool, a nice restaurant or possibly an event that goes on, find somewhere in her town that's a beautiful/calm/ relaxing place(for after the dinner or a picnic(when it's warm lol)). Maybe a park, near a river, hill etc. This is a good thing to do, I've had great surprise dates when I first began courting my significant other.`

Extra info:

We live in different towns and won't be seeing each other in person anytime soon. Although she suggested on more than one occasion for me to come visit and go to an underground club. (She did this as early as the festival so that doesn't mean anything). I also have other friends in her city I could visit and use that as an excuse to meet up with her.

I wouldn't suggest a club, since there is so much noise and it makes it hard to have a real conversation, unless she really likes dancing, I really like the festival idea if it's out in the open. I like that last part, you can say hey imma be in town and I want to take you somewhere it's a surprise. (refer to my previous answer paragraph)

I'm traveling for 3 months, still writing with her. No calls, but then again I never really talk with anyone on the phone.

Try and call her every so often, towards the end of your travel, so she can get used to your voice, if too much time passes you can lose touch and just become a friend, I have many friends whom have fallen into this trap.

  • 3
    "While I get that you wanted to interject and ask her about her relationship because you care, avoid doing it (...) first off the nature of relationships can be complex and could ultimately change the direction of your conversation to focus on her ex, thereby helping her state of mind focus on him rather than the potential of your future relationship. The next reason you should avoid it is because it could potentially push you into the friend zone if you are too caring and brother like." __ so perceptive @Newbie; I appreciate & upvote! Please write more such awesome answers on this website. – English Student Jan 18 '18 at 3:57
  • Thanks for the answer, but how would I actually phrase 'I'd like to date you'? – BeeBop Jan 20 '18 at 2:45
  • @BeeBop, for another angle on that, see my answer here. It's at least food for thought, even if you do want to be more explicit about the fact of dating. – Wildcard Jan 20 '18 at 3:39
  • Call her up and tell her, "hey I'm gonna be in town in a few week/months , let's go out somewhere nice". Flirt a bit, say "come pretty for me " (even if u gotta fake it act confident. This is the test moment here, I've been through this many times . If she laughs or says ok and ask" where are we going? " say shhh, it's a secret" and laugh. That is when you know you've got her. I've been through this alot actually, it's can be hit or miss, but at least you will know, if she's really into you are not. Like wild card said strike while the iron is hot. – Newbie programmer Jan 20 '18 at 4:30
  • @wildcard thanks for the reply. I glad that worked out for you although that definitely wouldn't work in my case since we see each other so rarely. I also like to just know asap as if she's not interested we can keep on being friends and I'm open to meet someone else. – BeeBop Jan 20 '18 at 19:31
4

Confess your feelings to her in-person.

I engaged in a long-distance relationship in college - our schools were a 6 hour drive from each other. We met through a mutual friend, began talking to each other online and eventually called/Skyped each other daily. We confessed our feelings toward each other in-person which made all of it memorable and special. She acknowledged weeks later that if I had shared my feelings for her over the phone or via Skype that she wouldn't have taken me as seriously. Needless to say, we fell in love shortly thereafter.

Now, to address how.

In my case, I had no doubt in my mind she felt the same way about me so I let it happen naturally. If you're unsure, ask her out to dinner. Keep the conversation casual and then after your meal ask her to take a walk with you outside. This is your chance to tell her how you're feeling. This is important because approaching the topic in an open, public place (especially if it's a romantic and/or picturesque setting) will allow her to be open-minded and consider the possibilities. You could let her know tactfully or directly, whichever you prefer.

I'd suggest bringing up your friendship as a point of conversation. "Remember when we met?" Recall some fun stories you shared, make her feel good about the times she's had with you, and then:

We've been friends for a while now, and I think we share a strong connection to one another. I think we're good as friends, but I think we'd be great as more than friends and I'm wondering if you do too.

Make it smooth, keep it real, and if she's right for you it'll happen naturally.

2

A declaration or announcement is not needed. You can plan to get together, and then see where it takes you.

And now an unsolicited suggestion focused on what to do if you are successful in launching a romantic relationship. Project yourself in to the future: imagine you are in a romantic relationship at a distance. How are you going to sustain the relationship without expanding your modes of communication?

  • This is an unsolicited opinion + suggestion but does not answer the question being asked. – D.Hutchinson Jan 24 '18 at 7:56
  • 2
    @D.Hutchinson - Well, it occurs to me that OP's reluctance to use the telephone might stand in his way both for initiating a long distance relationship and for maintaining one. – aparente001 Jan 25 '18 at 3:26
2

Don't focus on "date" vs "friends", don't broach the subject. There is no bright line you cross over from on to the other. The best (meaning longest lasting, stable, communicative, etc) relationships are based on friendship, which blossoms into romantic love. So my advice is do something with her, i,e. go to a fair, take a hike, play some pool the next time you can arrange to see her. (Hint: maybe do something she's interested and you haven't done). If there's something there, it will spark into a romantic thing, either during that time, or subsequently in texts/calls. If she doesn't want to hold your hand, or kiss you goodnight, it isn't because she just hasn't gotten the "romance" signal from you, it's because there is no interest in being anything more than friends on her part. I don't mean to sound patronizing, but yes, you are young, you have a lot of experiences to go through and learn from, one of the lessons is unrequited love. It's a hard lesson, but a good one. Additionally, she is not a lamp, or a rug, nor is she "perfect girlfriend material" because she is not something you acquire. You have very little idea how she would act in a romantic relationship with you, and therefore not much idea of how compatible you two might be together. As to how this second point relates to your question; Again, stop thinking of it in terms of friends vs. romance, don't put the cart before the horse. If you two wind up spending lots of time together, become romantic, emotionally and physically intimate, etc, then she, most likely, has become your girlfriend. Don't do it the other way around by suddenly classifying your time together as "dates" and then expecting those other things to happen automatically.

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