Refusing gifts from an estranged relative

Question

Background: I am estranged from my sister. The last time I had a substantial conversation with her was ~4 months ago, and her response the last time I initiated contact, via text about ~3 months ago, cemented my feelings about this. I have zero interest in being in contact with her and believe this is best for my mental health and relationships with other family members. She is well aware of what the problem is, but I have not explicitly told her I am blocking her texts, etc., mainly because I don't see a benefit (well, until now), and because I am afraid of how my parents would react. We are both in our 20's and do not live at home, but she visits home (parents' house) frequently and is close to my mother.

Story: I was not at my parents' house for Christmas Day, but visited later and gave presents to everyone. I had gotten a small gift for her in the event she would be there too, but she wasn't. I ended up leaving it at the house since she visits frequently (I think this may have been a mistake). She didn't seem to have left a gift for me, so I assumed she just hadn't gotten me anything because she knew we wouldn't see each other - this would have been fine with me, and what I would have done too if I had known.

I blocked text notifications from her a while ago, but an app update messed up my settings, and I saw this one:

Thanks for the scarf! Your Christmas present will also be at home for when you are home next.

Based on the timing, it seems like she probably got me a gift after she realized I had left one for her. Regardless, I have no interest in whatever it might be, and I do not plan to go home for quite a while (at least 4 months, probably longer).

It's worth noting that she did the same thing for my birthday. She said she got me a present and needed my address; I told her don't bother, and didn't give my address; she kept the gift for the next several months until we were both home at the same time. I had been hoping that after all that time she would realize I really didn't want it.. It was very awkward and I took the gift to end the interaction, but felt very uncomfortable about it. I donated the item and plan to do the same with any future gifts - but I'd much prefer that there weren't any to begin with.

My goal is to refuse the gift and discourage her from doing this again. I think this means I need to contact her directly, but I don't know how to without her thinking that I'm open to having a conversation. I'd also like to avoid being any more hurtful than necessary. (Because it's the right thing to do, and selfishly, because she will probably tell my mother.) Obviously I have strong feelings here, so I'm having a hard time figuring out how to express all this appropriately.

How can I refuse the gift, with minimal drama?

Answer 1

It's not clear from your question whether the estrangement is mutual, but either way, you've confused matters by leaving the gift for her. When there are issues between people, even without a full-on estrangement, a gift is often seen as sending a peace offering. She either was going to get you a gift anyway or responded to your peace offering by signalling that she wants to fix things too. Refusing her gift at this point in the sequence would send confusing signals and be very hard to do without causing hurt.

Further, if she did get you a gift in response to yours, and then you refuse it, you'll be telling her that it's ok with you that she wasted time and money trying to do something for you in response to your gesture. That's definitely going to cause some hurt. (Source: observation of some family members over many years.)

I therefore recommend separating handling this gift from changing her future behavior. If you want peace in the family, accept the gift. You don't need to run over there to get it; if your parents don't mind it sitting there for four months, then just let it wait. Pick it up next time you're there anyway but don't make a special trip. Don't make a fuss; you can open it at home.

For the future, one option, though it's the more-confusing one, is to stop sending gifts (what you had originally planned to do this time). Your parents might notice, though, and since you did give her one this time, she'll probably have one for you next time. That'll be awkward. Eventually she'll probably get the hint that her gifts won't be reciprocated, but it's not certain and it'll probably take a while. There's somebody who still sends me birthday cards even though I haven't reciprocated, or otherwise interacted with her, for about 20 years. Some people are slow. I should have been more direct back then, but I wasn't.

So the other, I think better, option is to bite the bullet and tell her. If you want to minimize the interaction, send her email or a letter saying that you don't think the two of you should continue to interact (or exchange gifts, or whatever the specific goal is) and that you won't be bringing gifts in the future. If she already knows the reason for your estrangement then you can be brief; no point rehashing stuff that will just aggravate her. If this is coming as a surprise, though, then (a) it'd be better if you actually talked with her interactively so she'd feel less dumped, but (b) if you're going to do it via letter, you should explain the reason. I wish I had done this with the person I mentioned in the previous paragraph; in the end it would have been easier.

Answer 2

You buy her a gift which I’m sure you expect her to take and want but want her to know you don’t want her in your life and don’t want her gifts! You say she takes weeks to respond to text messages... but you don’t respond at all!

Sorry to be harsh, but without knowing the rest of the story, it sounds like youre the one who only has her in your life for show.

I agree with the mixed messages but also suggest you gently actually tell her that right now you don’t want contact. Otherwise she is left not knowing or understanding why you never reply or send birthday wishes but leave gifts. She may be at fault but still has feelings and honestly usually when people behave badly it’s because they are lost in life and unhappy. I hope in future you can reconsile as people do change and who she is now probably won’t be who she is in 5 years. Good luck

Answer 3

I couldn't guess at the dynamic of your relationship, but what about an honest letter (or email to prove you sent it, should things get interesting)?

Hi, I appreciate the gesture and spirit of your gift, but I would rather we didn't exchange gifts in the future. I am sorry if my giving you a gift was a mixed signal, but honestly, I only got you the gift so mom wouldn't be upset with me. I still intend that we not have a relationship. It would be best if this was our last gift exchange and we continued to not speak to each other at all. Thank you for your understanding.

I had a similar (one-sided) conversation with my brother and it's been 5 gloriously quiet years.

As a bonus, you might choose to inform your parents of your intent to completely sever your sibling relationship. They can then tell you if your sister is over or is planning to be over when you call them about coming over (be sure that you do call). I did this and have not seen my brother since. I am sure you can imagine how nice that's been.

Answer 4

I would suggest you continue to exchange gifts, but add some clarity. You have already indicated you are willing to mislead your parents for the sake of pretended peace (by buying a gift you did not want to give). Offer that truth to your sister:

"On behalf of not upsetting our parents, thank you for your gift. I want to be clear the intent of my gift was to avoid any unpleasant scenes at Christmas, I hope your gift to me is in the same spirit. The same will be true in the future, I see no gain in distressing them at Christmas."

Answer 5

Best way to accomplish this goal is to no longer buy her gifts, and not accept anything in return.

If you visit home and there's a gift waiting, gently refuse it (for example accept it, say thank you, put it down in a corner, unopened, and leave it there). Do not leave their home with it, or simply put it down on the drive way, and walk away.

The point here is that they will know for a fact that you will not accept anything from her. At one point or another your sister will figure that there's no point, and stop trying to send you anything.

The converse is that next time you go over you do not bring anything for her. You should also have a plan ready in case you run into her at that event.

Answer 6

Sorry to disagree with the other answer, but if your main objective is keep things calm in your parents home. Just accept the gift and continue your life. Don't let the action of other impact yours. They only have that power if you allow it.

Just think about it. What is the real cost for you? Do you waste time/money? Just say thanks and move on. You can throw it later or donate to charity.

I can understand you aren't comfortable with your sister. But you already make the compromise of tolerate her if both are visiting your parents.

But how much your sister affect your life is up to you. You already decide keep the interactions at minimum. So just continue keeping your cool

I give you an example. Some guy cut me off on the road I could be angry because I was close to a possible collision or because I lost 5 seconds of my time. Or I could be happy because nothing bad happen

Answer 7

Don't expect an easy and appropriate request from your inappropriate behavior. You gave her a gift, people who receive gifts like to give things back as their gift to the same person. This is common sense, but the problem here is you have complicated matters by doing something which is totally contradictory to what you feel and that is giving her, a gift.

Now you are stuck in a dilemma with the other party thinking that the dynamics or your social relationship is fine when it comes to gift giving since you yourself gave the "green-light".

Now, how to get yourself out of it?

I say be straightforward, use this as an excuse.

Listen, I only gave you that gift as a formality considering the occasion and you gave me one in return which is more enough for me. Though I understand your sentiments but frankly I do not wish to receive further gifts from you. That's all, have a good day.

At least that is what I would do, your personality maybe different but if you follow through my advice, I'm pretty sure it would solve the issue and regardless of personality differences I believe looking for a solution is all that matters.

Answer 8

Buying/leaving the gift for your sister was a mistake, as you seem to recognize. What I would recommend doing from here is sending her an email or text among the lines of:

"I'm sorry if my leaving a gift for you confused you or made you feel the need to reciprocate. I was concerned about our mother making a scene if I didn't bring one and I assume you got mine for the same reason. I don't want this to become a reoccurring issue. I do not wish to receive gifts or messages from you in the future. I will not be getting gifts for you again or contacting you again after this message. P.S. I will not be going to our parents house for several months, if you are there sooner, please retrieve and return your gift."

Since your sister is already aware of the reason why you do not wish to have contact with her (and mostly seems fine not contacting you), there is no cause to explain the reasoning behind your wishes here. Unless your sister is actively trying to cause discord between you and your parents, there is no reason for her to bring up this message with them. If your parents are aware of the issue between the two of you and do not want a scene, then they will keep quiet about the lack of gift exchange between you as long as the two of you don't draw attention to it.

If any of the above statements are not true, then you might have to deal with drama because someone else is determined to start some. If such is the case, try to keep in mind that you aren't the cause of the drama; whoever felt the need to make a scene about an issue that really should just be between you and your sister is. Also remember that you are an adult with your own home and life and are free to leave if your family isn't willing to respect your feelings or stay out of your problems.

Keep in mind though, that if you and/or your sister are trying not to draw attention to your estrangement or to keep up appearances for your parents or other relatives sakes, then your sister might not retrieve the gift if she can't do so inconspicuously. That means you might be stuck with this gift just like she was stuck with the scarf. At least you should be able to cut off further gifts by communicating your wishes now and not contradicting them in the future. If she continues to buy them to keep up appearances, just quietly leave them behind, unopened. If she (or your parents) asks why you haven't accepted them, remind her/them that you two aren't on good terms and leave it at that.

Answer 9

How can I refuse the gift, with minimal drama?

You can't it's a juxtaposition; refusing a gift causes lot more hassle for the other parties involved and thus more of a reason for them to cause drama about it. If it's useful use it, if it's not sell it.

A message like in Forklifts answer is more than adequate to resolve receiving unwanted gifts again.

The other answers haven't mentioned that the relationship between you and your parents, I assume your father in particular, is real issue at hand. I totally get not wanting to upset them but you'll be causing them more upset in the long run hiding it, or worse you might not get the opportunity to tell them and then you'll have to deal with guilt and regret.

Chances are they already knew something was up, just talk to them about it.

Answer 10

"You can tell her later you don't want any more gifts", that is what I'm asking about here - how do I do that?

With your actions -- by not giving her any more gifts.

It will take time for her to get the idea. Be patient.

The way to minimize drama is by not engaging in drama. If she gives you a gift in future, directly or indirectly, don't refuse it outright -- just don't reciprocate.

In general, avoid providing input to her that is likely to feel a need to respond to. When a polite response is needed, provide a minimal, polite response. Don't share your feelings, don't give explanations -- just build emotional distance.

When executing this kind of operation with someone as close as a sister, it can be helpful to enlist the help of a friend or another relative, to filter communications from her. That way, you don't miss something important that you really do need to hear about, such as, "Mama is in the hospital and we need to decide about organ donations in case she doesn't make it."