About five years ago my wife Laura and I got divorced - we kept it quite civil and even now our relationship is quite friendly. We also have a son, Steve, currently 10 years old that spends 3 days a week with me.
My ex quite quickly remarried a guy who always wanted kids, so both my son and him quite quickly bonded. Recently my relationship with my partner Anna started to look more serious and we've decided to move together. The problem is that my partner never wanted kids (although she professionally works with them), mainly on the account of her having mild OCD, that makes her feel very uncomfortably in untidy places (and usually kids ARE messy, my son is not an exception). Still, Anna quite likes my son, although she treats him more like a friend or one of the kids she works with rather than a stepson. But hey, this situation is quite new and stressful to both of them, so I'm just hoping that this will evolve slowly.
Anyway, my ex decided that all five of us should be a "one happy family" - she keeps inviting us to "go camping together" (something she never asked me alone), keeps asking Anna "could she spend extra time on her own with Steve", or even forces my boy to keep asking my partner for such "private quality time" via Facebook messenger (I know Steve well enough to say that he would never say something like "
Can I spend some extra time just with you on Friday when dad is at work?").
I've told Laura that my partner is not looking forward to be a stepmom and personally I never expect her to be - I just hope that Anna and Steve will have a good relationship based on respect, whatever else would come I'd welcome as a bonus, but my ex keeps insisting, saying that "If Anna wants to be with you, she must act as a stepmother".
How can I politely tell Laura that Anna is feeling uncomfortable from such pressure and we (my partner and I) are not interested in creating the "big, happy family"?