I am a 25-year-old male and I have two best friends. I have known them almost my entire life and they are like brothers to me. We also hang out with other friends from school/college every now and then. The weekend plans and holiday trips have not been an issue, until recently.
One of my best friends (let us call him Tom) has been dating this girl (let us call her Summer) for almost a year now. They are very much in love and planning to get engaged soon. She is a nice person most of the times and when we all hang out, we feel comfortable and I can tell that she enjoys hanging out with us.
My other best friend and I understand that Tom and Summer need their space and we do not interfere with their time and plans. The problem is when we make plans with Summer, she keeps changing the time or place. This usually costs us more time on travel or leads to canceling the plan itself.
A little background about Summer - she lives in the city now, but she is originally from a small town which is a 5 hour drive from the city. Her family is one of the affluent ones in her town and she grew up spoiled with lot of authority and money. Her family listens to what she says and gives her want she wants. So, being authoritative comes naturally to her. I know all this from Tom and Summer's younger brother.
Last week was Summer's birthday and she was supposed to be spending it with her family in her hometown. Tom, my other friend and me planned 4 weeks ago to go to Summer's hometown and celebrate her birthday. This was supposed to be our road trip after a long time. Summer was aware of all this plan and she even offered her farm house for our stay. All of a sudden, just a day before our trip, Summer came to the city and she celebrated her birthday here. We canceled the trip.
The fact that she was so cool and casual about all the change in plans drove me mad at that time. This was one big case, however, she has done similar things in the past. For example, we all would have planned to meet near a beach and just when we reach the place, she would call Tom and ask us to come to a mall which would be like 10 kilometers from the beach. She might tell that a local band is playing in the mall and we should come. If we complain, she casually says that it is just a 10 kilometer drive. What she does not understand is, it takes about 30 minutes to drive in the traffic.
I value my time and respect other's time very much and this behavior of hers is irritating sometimes. My other best friend is going through a difficult breakup and we get the chance to cheer him up only when we meet. He gets mad when Summer does these things and gets into a fight with Tom. I hate that they fight for things which we are not responsible for.
Tom is well aware of how we feel, he even spoke to Summer about this and she doesn't seem to understand the importance of our time. I doubt if Tom is afraid to talk to her about this again. I have never confronted her about this. This is because, I see Tom real happy with Summer and do not want to cause any problem. I am not sure how she would take it if I am going to confront.
- I do not want our relationships to be affected by such things.
- Since she is the one causing all this, I would like to make her realize that we could all be happier if she could change her ways.
- I would not want to sound rude or as if I am trying to sabotage her relationship with Tom.
- I would like us to hang out and go on trips without this confrontation affecting it.
How do I let her know that she should change her behaviour and stop changing plans often?
I would prefer communicating this with Summer directly as Tom is already aware of how I feel. If talking to Summer does not make major changes, I would take a strong stand and not comply with the last minute changes. But right now, I want to give Summer a heads-up first.