7

It's a fact that the majority of people are heterosexual. So if I meet a person, I first assume that he/she is heterosexual.

How can I ask a person of the same gender out, if I don't know if the person is homosexual? Say I met someone new, at a party or club, how do I ask, or find out if they're interested in LGBT+ dating/relationships?

Just asking is, in my opinion, a little bit strange because the chance that the person says "no" is extremely high, I think.

PS.: I'm a girl and since there might be a chance that I'm bisexual, I'm really curious as to how to deal with this.

  • 2
    Are you asking how to identify if someone is a lesbian? Or once you have identified them how you can ask them out? Or what? – Rory Alsop Jan 28 '18 at 18:39
  • 1
    @RoryAlsop First one, how can I "identify" homosexuals or phrase my question so that a homosexual would understand it. – Féileacán Jan 28 '18 at 18:45
  • 3
    Are you asking us for advice on how to ask a complete stranger out? I'm sorry, but that is very broad and primarily opinion based too. Where are you from? How common is it to ask a random passerby out in your culture? Can you provide us with any more details on the person you want to ask out? Is she a friend of yours? Acquaintance? Do you really want to ask her out? Or first find out if she's interested in girls? – Tinkeringbell Jan 28 '18 at 18:57
  • 2
    Serafina, I think the easiest way to make this a clear, answerable question and start getting you some answers would be to edit your question to describe a somewhat specific situation, e.g. someone you just met vs acquaintance vs friend, as Tinkeringbell mentioned, along with what your goal is (presumably to find out whether she's interested in women, and if so, ask her out, all while avoiding offense and awkwardness as much as possible). Don't worry, we get that this is absolutely a real thing that real people worry about, we just need a clear, specific question to answer. – Cascabel Jan 28 '18 at 20:37
  • 4
    @SerafinaReisinger I know, but we need to find a specific portion of this problem to make it answerable, because the general question is a bit broad. I think it might still be useful to you, for example, to hear people's answers for how to approach this with an acquaintance, maybe someone you've met a few times at events and chatted and gotten along with, but not someone close enough to make it really easy to just flat-out ask? – Cascabel Jan 28 '18 at 21:21
8

While determining if people are interested in your gender gives your more information about the likelihood that they will say yes if you ask them out, it doesn't give you the whole picture. What actually matters is are they interested in you.

There's a lot of ways you can gather information about whether someone may be into women in general, or you in particular. The most accurate is to get verbal confirmation from them.

I've found that going "Hey would you like to do < something > with me?" is a good place to start. You can suggest anything you want (preferably something you want to do with them) from talking politics to smooching to going on a date. Be forward with your intentions and when rejected be understanding and don't press the issue.

4

Context matters considerably...

When first meeting someone there are little signs of interest that are similar regardless of orientation. Are they checking you out? Are they flirting with you? Believe it or not LGBT+ people flirt in much the same ways that straight folks do, we're still humans after all.

It sounds like you're questioning your sexuality, or thinking about exploring, or expressing it, perhaps for the first time. That's great and I'm happy for you. Here's a few pointers that may make it easier to meet like minded people:

  • There are most definitely places you can go where it's fair to assume that most people are not-hetero. Consider going out to LGBT+ bars and clubs, or a local Pride event. Many larger cities also have LGBT+ community centers and organizations (some organizations specifically cater to teenagers and young people)

  • Try to get a handle on your sexuality, and/or what sort of people you would like to date, before you start experimenting. At least try to keep in mind that the person who you end up experimenting with is a person with feelings. It's heart breaking to start a relationship with someone, only to find out later that they were just trying something out. Try to be honest with people, and your self, about where you're at.

  • Take things slow. It's easy to fall for the first person who accepts your sexuality, particularly if you're not out and feel somewhat isolated. There are still plenty of fish in the sea, even if/when you're LGBT+. Date around, find someone you really love and want to be with.

  • It's also worth noting that sexuality is a spectrum. People aren't necessarily straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Many people fall somewhere in between, some people prefer not to date at all. It's a spectrum not a team to join, don't be surprised, or worry, if you find that your interests aren't what you thought they were or that they change over time.

  • Lastly... Enjoy your journey. It may seem strange and scary right now, but it doesn't have to be like that. Reach out. Find people in your community that have been where you are now, there's a huge loving community of LGBT+ people out there that are trying really hard to make it a little less strange and scary for people like you.

These are just starting points. After a little while, of spending time with LGBT+ people, you start to get a feel for what people are into. What initially feels like taking a big risk in asking out the wrong sort of person slowly diminishes, and even if/when you misread someone, it doesn't feel like a big deal.

I guess there is such a thing as "gaydar" but I assure you that it isn't a super power... It's just something that you begin to notice with practice and spending time with LGBT+ folks. Like I said it isn't a super power, it isn't magic and sometimes your instincts may be misguided, so don't rely on it entirely.

When in doubt, ask. If you want to ask someone out on a date, ask them out on a date. Seems a little obvious, I know, but it's the only foolproof way to know for sure if someone wants to go out on a date with you.

Your Answer

By clicking “Post Your Answer”, you agree to our terms of service, privacy policy and cookie policy

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged or ask your own question.