How do I ask why they think I was being creepy?

Question

I don't have the best social awareness, though I try to compensate, so occasionally after a party, or just time around people, a friend will message me to let me know that I was coming off creepy around someone.

I consider this a good thing, the issue is that I can't usually work out what it was I actually said or did that came off badly, and they aren't usually forthcoming with detail, seemingly because it's an awkward topic.

Is there a polite way to ask them to go into specifics? I know it's going to be awkward, but I also know that remaining oblivious and making people feel uncomfortable at parties is probably worse in the long run. I've tried hinting, but they will tend to be evasive, and it's natural for me at this point to let them be, as I hate awkwardness.

Answer 1

You should ask where you went wrong at the same time when they tell you this. I'd suggest not to ask it in front of all. You can say like,

Oh, thanks for letting me know. I didn't realize. Can you please tell me where I went wrong? What should I have done instead of this?

You can skip the latter once you're aware of what to do or you have a better idea. If they tell you this and you can improve, then it's all good.

After getting information from them, try correcting your behavior. If you don't follow this, you will not only be making people uncomfortable, but also discouraging other people from explaining things to you in future. Those suggestions may not be pleasant to hear, but we all have to learn how to behave, so take them as a constructive feedback. You can also think about how you should have behaved and then compare it with their suggestions. In this way, you will learn effectively and will not make people uncomfortable in the first place in order to learn.

Remember to not to argue with what you are told or justifying your action because this will also discourage people who are trying to help you improve your social skills.

After been in the same situations for many times, I asked where I went wrong. Their suggestions, not all but most, worked and helped improving my behavior.

I have seen people not learning from their mistakes. I've also seen them saying "but..." and arguing and justifying their actions when someone told them not to behave as such. I'd suggest to avoid this.

If they don't tell you and you have no idea what to do, try reading gesture and reactions of people at the parties next time. This way you will know what to do and what to not. However, I'd advise not to do this in a way you make person in front uncomfortable.

Answer 2

The key is not to do this via a written message, but either in person or over the phone. This way, you'll understand much more, and the other person will be naturally more encouraged to watch for your reactions, your understanding, and your confusion.

At some point one has to start asking oneself whether the other person is really being as benevolent as he would like to believe. There are constructive ways of letting a friend know about a social boo-boo, and there are hurtful ways.

I suggest that after you've had a chance to get a fuller explanation from your friend, you explain that when you get a message with negative feedback, it makes life difficult (e.g. brings on insomnia, digestion problems -- whatever the case may be). And therefore you'd like to ask that negative feedback not be shared via a written message the same evening as the incident.

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Edit There is another approach possible, and that is to ask this friend to help you during the interaction, as a behavior buddy rather than as a behavior cop, with a prearrange signal to let you know that it's time to pause and reflect before continuing down whatever path you are on.