I understand your need for closure, it's a very common feeling in human beings. The ability to finally say what you want knowing there won't be any real consequence is great, and if there were never any consequences, IPS wouldn't exist.
But unfortunately, even you yourself have mentioned that there's a real potential for negative consequences in this situation and because of that, you're probably going to need to temper what you say to avoid those consequences (meaning, you aren't going to really get what you want out of this anyway.)
You have a few options, and while telling you what your options are isn't really the point of this board, I feel like they are going to come up, and I feel like it's appropriate because I'll discuss some level of HOW to approach them in more IPS fashion.
- Withhold giving a card at all.
PROS:
- Easiest of the options, requiring literally no effort
- Your words cannot be twisted and used against you after you're gone
- Will likely be forgotten given time, should this person ever end up in your life again
CONS:
- You've said this would be seen as incredibly rude, and it very well might in your circumstance.
It's likely that this person probably isn't really expecting a card. They sound like they only tolerate you as it is, and while they might use the opportunity of a skipped card to talk bad about you to your friends, it's unlikely that your friends are completely unaware of the animosity between you and will understand. Much more so than they would understand and be supportive of a truly nasty card.
- Give a card and tell her how you really feel, risking consequences but getting the closure you want.
PROS:
- Closure
CONS:
- Risk alienating this person forever. This is the type of social behavior that would be remembered years and years from now when you might run into this person in a situation where you're forced to be cordial.
- Risk alienating your other friends. Moving away is tough, especially when you're younger. If you're truly blunt about how much you dislike this person, or just honest but your words are twisted after you're gone, this whatsapp group may not be the lifeline to have people to talk to after you move but before you've met new people.
- Leave the bridge unburned, eat crow, and write a cordial message.
PROS:
- Near-zero risk of long term negative effects
CONS:
- Not very satisfying
- Redirect the card into an acceptance of some responsibility, but be honest about how you feel.
PROS:
- Some closure
- Constructive criticism
- Likely to be remembered
CONS:
- Difficult to do
- Could backfire if the person truly dislikes you
This last is probably the most socially acceptable IPS to have, and if you were older and this was a resignation letter, a peer review, or similar formal correspondence it would be an invaluable skill to have. It's the one I'll talk most about for that reason alone.
These past couple of weeks have been much easier now that we're not fighting all the time. I realize we haven't had the best relationship, and know that I'm partially to blame for that.
This message says a couple of things:
- You want to continue to keep the peace
- You know that it isn't entirely your fault you don't get along
- You know that it isn't entirely her fault you don't get along
I've now come to understand just how difficult it is to be the one pushed away, and realize this is something I've done to others, including you, in the past. I look forward to the opportunity to meet new people with this in mind, and to try and become a better person. One who doesn't dismiss people's feelings.
This message also says a few things:
- That you were hurt by her behavior
- That you realize you've hurt others by doing the same thing
- That you WANT to get better, but it's too late for the two of you
Lastly, I would encourage you to be cordial through it all. The world is never as big as you think it is, and you cannot guarantee you'll never run into any of these people again.
