I'm going to take the "tough love" approach and start out by being brutally honest:  **You can't.**

Or rather, there's nothing you can do that will *guarantee* she will change her ways.  You can try (and you may have tried) bargaining, bribing, coercing, nagging, arguing, tricking, and flat-out begging -- but either she will or she won't, based on what she chooses to be her priorities in life.

Moreover, it has little to do with so-called "gender roles" or other "traditional" family patterns.  Some people choose to take care of the house they live in, either because they were brought up that way, or because they like things neat.  Some don't, and choose to expend their energy in other ways. 

So I would let go of the entire idea that things *have* to be a certain way in your relationship.  It would certainly make your life easier if your wife did help more, but it sounds like you two are muddling along somehow regardless.  Let go of that stress -- hope for an improvement, but every time you notice yourself starting down that cycle of frustration and anger, stop yourself, and recall all the reasons you married your wife in the first place, and how much you enjoy being with her.

After all, you two won't always be living in a small apartment, working long hours.  I'm sure you plan to move up to jobs where you work less but get paid more, and you move into a larger space.  And, as you say, you might choose to have children -- think of all the chaos that will bring into your home.  Would you rather be eternally frustrated by all that's *wrong* in your life, or eternally grateful for all that's *right*?

Ok, **that being said**, here are some things you can try:

1)  Hire someone to come in and clean your apartment every week or every two weeks.  

Do this because you *want a clean space*, and you both clearly don't feel like managing that chore. This is for yourself, with no consideration or frustration about what your wife is or isn't doing.  

The greatest gift I gave myself, twenty years ago, was to get a housekeeper to come by every two weeks and do all the chores I hated doing as a kid -- cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting, changing sheets, etc.  I'm married now, and the housekeeper still comes around like clockwork to make sure my house doesn't get too messy. 

This way, at least once a week, you'll remove the frustration of dirty corners and piled-up dishes and make sure the mess never gets out of control.  You can enjoy the cleanliness, at relatively small cost.

2)  Talk with your wife and agree on a set of rules and tasks you do *together*.  Some examples:

- Have a mutually-agreed on rule that "no dishes are to be left in the sink".  Either wash them or put them in the dishwasher (if you have on)e.  This goes for both of you.  If need be, you both get up and wash them together.

- No clothes lying around.  All dirty clothing goes in the laundry basket.  

- Set aside days of the week for different chores.  Sunday might be "laundry day".  Monday "grocery shopping day", Tuesday "cooking for the week day", and so on.  

- Institute a "Henny Penny" rule, something like "If you don't help *shop* and you don't help *cook*, then you don't help *eat*."  Helping can be as simple as chopping or mixing, anything to show a willingness to participate in necessary chores.

and so on.  The key is these are things you do *together*, so you both get in the habit of getting them done, rather than arguing about who is supposed to do them.

3) Mutually agree to put away the phones when you are doing anything together -- eating, watching a movie, even driving.  

This can be a tricky since it's such a habit to be constantly checking messages or Twitter or Facebook or whatever mind-suck captures your attention, but it helps if you both recognize that it's damaging to your relationship.

I, personally, dislike it when I'm having a conversation with anyone and they stop to check something on their phone.  I tolerate this from friends and other people, because what can you do, but my wife has learned that when she does it with me, I consider the conversation over and walk away.  I can't control what she does, but I can choose not to wait around for her to finish whatever she considers more important.

There are exceptions, of course, and you have to work these out.  We both work from home, and sometimes we get important emails or texts.  Or we might be wondering about something and one of us will Google the answer.  Also checking directions while driving, texting a friend we're going to meet ... all reasonable situations to use the phone.

It may take a while for her to get used to this change in behavior.  It helps if, at first she physically *shuts down* the phone so that, in order to look at it, she has to turn it back on and wait for it to start up.  

Eventually she can break the habit and start paying more attention to you when you are home -- but this means *you should be attentive back*, and not distracted by some thing you find interesting.  It takes discipline from both of you.


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There are any number of tricks and tools marriage counselors use to get couples to talk to each other without argument.  The one I've heard most is to phrase everything as an "I" statement.  This sounds hokey, and in the beginning it can be, but the key is again to shift your attitude away from what the other person is doing *wrong*, and toward how you yourself feel about that behavior.  Examples:

> When you pick up your phone and start texting with friends when we're alone together, **I feel frustrated to be shut out of the conversation**.  I want your whole attention because we only get a short time together each day.

> When I come home late and there's nothing in the house to eat, **I get annoyed** because I'm hungry and I don't want to have to take the time to cook.  **I would like** to be able to sit down and have dinner with you right away.  

Also, ask your wife for her suggestions

> How do you think we can manage this?

> What do you need from me to make this happen?

> How do you think we can work together to achieve (outcome)?

And so on. 

Also, do your best to find out what motivates and de-motivates her from doing certain chores.  For example, my wife gets frustrated if I put dishes in the sink, or stuff on the kitchen counters, right after she's cleaned it.  I would rather have them in the sink than lying on tables around the house, but for her, it's discouraging to go to all the effort of cleaning only to have it become dirty again.

I can try (and have tried) try to explain that's what happens with kitchens -- they get dirty, they get cleaned, they get dirty again, day after day.  But it's possible for me to find a compromise by paying attention to when she has cleaned, and then trying to keep things clean as long as possible.

Eventually you might want to do things like create a division of household chores ... but again, if your wife is the sort of person who isn't motivated to do them on her own, it's unlikely she'll be *more* motivated to do them because she *has* to.  This might be something you have to wait for her to suggest herself, rather than bring up.

I can tell you from personal experience that it is possible to get your spouse to change, but it takes time and patience.  In the meantime you're better off trying to figure out why the situation upsets you as much as it does, and getting rid of old or unnecessary thought patterns that create unwanted stress.